Shape of a Mother

Every woman, should visit this site. I know it caterers to Mothers but I feel it goes a long way in helping all women feel secure and beautiful in their own skin.

I've been tempted to post some pictures of my own but I'm still debating it. Anyhow, check it out, and be cautious, there is some nudity (tasteful but still nudity, I looked again, some of the nudity is very raw but I don't find it offensive but that is just ME so please, proceed with caution).

The Shape of a Mother.

*edited the link, thanks Rae ;)

Respect

I've went from angry to down right pissed at entertainment reporters. I read THIS on CNN.com.

Heath Ledger was an intensely private man. You could tell this just by watching the interviews he gave. I know he tried to live his life out of the spot light. He resided in Brooklyn which goes to show his desire to be normal and to blend in with his neighbors and those around him.

I suppose that's what makes me so upset. In his death he should be respected as much as possible. I realize people want to publish stories. I don't mind that at all. People magazine ran a cover story about him and it was tastefully done. But Entertainment Tonight isn't following that same protocol.

They've come across a video tape that is 2 years old that shows Heath in a room with people doing drugs. I've not seen the video in it's entirety but I've seen the clips of him (it was on a commercial for the show) saying he has a daughter (he says her name) and his girlfriend is going to be so pissed at him. Entertainment Tonight was going to air this video in it's entirety for the world to see. It was set to be viewed tonight.

Then today they decided to pull the plug. I actually thought there was hope. Maybe they could see past the dollar signs and instead allow his family to mourn. But no. They have decided not to go forward because they fear the backlash from agents who have written producers to state they will not allow their star clients to appear on the show if ET proceeds forward with it's report.

How freaking sad.

Burn Out

I've known for a few months now this was coming. I'd felt the beginning signs during the last months of my pregnancy with Annabel. I don't know any other stay at home Mothers (or at least any that live nearby that I visit with) but I'm sure that I'm not alone.

I'm talking about the SAHM (stay at home Mom) burn out. Basically this means I'm in a funk. I tired of cleaning, I'm tired of laundry, I'm tired of zero sleep. I'm tired of garbage, I'm tired of toys, I'm tired of eating last every night. I'm tired of Dora, I'm tired of Hot Wheels, I'm tired of barbie. I'm sick of dirty diapers, I'm sick of being overwhelmed, I'm sick of being home alone each and every day.

I realize this is a phase and I will get over it. I also realize there are options (such as playgroups) but I think those would stress me more than benefit. I'm not your average girly girl and the last time I attempted to immerse myself into a Mommy group I didn't like the high school mentality. I gave up gossip and hurting other people to boost my own ego long ago.

So what's a Mom to do? I don't know for sure. There are some days when I feel I might be losing 'me'. You know, that person I was before I became a Mother. I know she is under the surface somewhere but lying dormant, waiting for her moment to come to the top to breathe again.

I'm also attempting to cut myself a bit of slack. After all, I've been in this same house, caring for multiple children, for over 6 years now. That's right. 6 long years of caring for children day in and day out with nary an adult in sight.

I just hope at this point when I'm integrated back into society I retain some of my social skills. I've already noticed I have my own kiddy language. NiNi=Night Night, Poopy da Potty=Go to the toilet, Nummies=Food, Give me a Moo=Kisses. You get my drift.

Mom Confession of the Week

I want a vacation. A long, peaceful, and most of all QUIET vacation.

Son of a B*tch!!!!!!

First it was shoving cars in the vaccum (which ruined the tubing I might add). Then yesterday they ran into the office as I was changing Annabel and smeared the entire contents of a 16 oz bottle of Cetaphil lotion all over the office (on my desk, in my keyboard, on my papers, books, magazines) and then today while changing Annabel's diaper, they found her neosporin and quickly smeared it into the couch.

If they keep this up I am going to snap. I feel it coming on. Why are my boys so hell bent on destruction??? I truly believe that they are unlike any other children in the world. They are not happy unless something is broken or ruined due to them.

I've yelled, I've put them in time out, I've done it all. I'm really starting to believe the only way I'm going to garner any respect from them is if I start burning some little hides. I hate to resort to this but they have zero respect for me, my things or anything else in the house.

No wonder Arwen doesn't want the two of them in her room.

MythBusters - Do Pretty Girls Fart?

Priceless!!

When will it stop?

Today while doing my usual 'Monday morning news' I followed my normal routine. First, CNN.com and then People.com. As usual, on People there is an article about Britney Spears (big surprise there). She apparently had a mini breakdown and ended up sitting on a rock embankment while paparazzi snapped pictures of her.

This madness has to stop. It has to. It's not funny anymore and it makes me sick of our society and the people in it. I think Britney needs serious help, both mentally and emotionally. Can you imagine how difficult it would be having cameras shoved in your face since you were 18 years old? Or crazy men you don't know following you all around, watching as you go into Starbucks or the restroom? She's been dealing with this crap for so long now, I can't help but wonder if it didn't add to her irrational behavior as of late.

We need laws passed about this kind of thing. I used to think if you were a celebrity you lost your rights to privacy the moment you became a star. I was very apathetic. I figured with the ridiculous amounts of money the stars make they could afford security systems, gates and private property. But it's become a HUGE invasion of privacy. When a person can't even break down without having 50 camera bulbs flashing while they rush to capture the moment...

I hope Britney collects herself and rebuilds her life. Because I hate to think of the opposite and I'm telling you, I could see something terrible happening to her and it will be captured on film for the entire world to see. This girl is obviously suffering from severe mental illness and people need to have some respect and back the fuck off. Seriously.

Triple Take

I quickly made my way into Hell-Mart, grabbed a cart and rushed toward the baby section. Annabel needed a new outfit to wear to Logan's appointment. I make it to the clothing and as I'm looking I notice a young girl crouched down next to what appears to be her Mother. In her arms, cradled rather oddly, was a tiny baby.

I took a long look before I realized I was staring and made myself find what I was looking for and head over to drinks across the aisle. But as I went I looked again at this girl and the baby. I couldn't tell if the baby was real or a doll.

After grabbing our soda I finally decided to bite the bullet and ask. I was a mite freaked out and curious. I walked over to the Mom who now carried the 'baby' and asked. She turned the baby over and laughed when she told me it was indeed a DOLL. I've never seen anything so much like a real baby in my life, EVER.

The name of the brand of doll is Reborn Baby. In a way it's very unique but I don't think I'd ever want to own one of them myself. They give me the heebie jeevies.

Daddy's Girl

Rocks my Socks

If I were Oprah, I'd put these on a list of my favorite things. I found these the other night at Hell-Mart and they rock my socks! (pun intended!) These are socks & house shoes all in one. I put these on and can walk anywhere AND my feet stay nice and warm.

Nine Inch Nails - The Great Below v.1.0.3

After reading Jake Silvers' blog, I decided to share a song that gives me chills.

Here are the lyrics.

The Great Below

staring at the sea
will she come?
is there hope for me
after all is said and done
anything at any price
all of this for you
all the spoils of a wasted life
all of this for you
all the world has closed her eyes
tried faith all worn and thin
for all we could have done
and all that could have been

ocean pulls me close
and whispers in my ear
the destiny I've chose
all becoming clear
the currents have their say
the time is drawing near
washes me away
makes me disappear

I descend from grace
in arms of undertow
I will take my place
in the geat below

I can still feel you
even so far away

Dear Pimples

Dear Pimples,

I remember vividly being 15 years old and my Mother telling me, "they will go away, you won't get them when you are older." I didn't totally believe her though. I just didn't have the heart to ask why she still got pimples once in a blue moon.

I guess I should have listened to my gut. I realize now my Mother didn't want to impart of me life's cruel truth, that pimples are forever. I've been lucky, my face has been pimple free and glowing. But just the other day I started to feel a bit odd and thought maybe a monthly visitor had returned. If only this had been the case.

Nope. On my face today is a little crater that has the capacity to ruin my day. It's waiting just below the surface and I'm forced to wait and see if said bump will make a quick visit or ruin any and all pictures I take with the children in the next month. You see, I scar easily. Even if I don't touch said pimple it will leave a nice red mark for at least a few weeks after the fact.

So please, find a teenage adolescent to visit. Mom's like myself have enough stress without pimples on top of it.

Sincerely,

Me

Miley Cyrus

She did an interview on the today show and I was reading about her RESPONSE to the Libby Lu ticket scandel. She says herself that "parents are paying thousands and thousands of dollars for a ticket," and "that is why we have to give 120% percent".

Hey Miley. I have an idea! Why don't you make those tickets more affordable for children, so there won't be this huge demand. Why not do several shows to make everyone happy, so that each child that idolizes you will get their dream, which is to see you perform? How about you stand up for what's right, since you realize you are a ROLE MODEL. Listen to your FANS. The ones that put you on the cover of magazines. Stop abusing them by making them fork out money they might not have just to see you for 90 minutes on stage.

I know, I know. She won't ever read this blog. She probably already knows her fans are disgruntled and blames those nasty ticket scalpers for all the problems. But somehow I bet she'll still be singing along, raking in the dough and turning a blind eye.

Some role model.

Daunting

Every time I force myself to sit down and think about all of the tasks we have to finish I get exhausted. There is so much work to be done (on the house) that I don't know where to start.Then when you figure in 'the' question. The one that asks 'how long will you be living here', that begins to make it even more stressful.

I like our home. It's just wasn't built correctly. If it's not the stairs (14 up to the 2nd floor, 14 down to the basement/family room) it's the tiny kitchen, small bedrooms, or tiny laundry area. As it stands we are contemplating what to do to make our kitchen more functional. I'm guessing we'll start eating in the formal dining room soon and might place a bar near the bay windows with some storage space underneath at some point.

Then there is the exterior of the house. We are due to have that resided and I'm not looking forward to it at all. It's bad enough that it will take alot of time and I'll be surrounded by all of these men I don't know. But then when I think about the costs, yikes! Especially with (again) all the stairs. It's going to take alot of siding.

We also want to:

Redecorate the living room, kitchen, one bathroom and our bedroom.

Put wood flooring on the entire middle floor.

Re carpet the children's bedrooms, or the entire top floor if possible.

So it's going to take alot of time and patience and cash. It's very daunting to say the least. I realize it will be worth it, even if we move. Because the price on the house will rise as the upkeep does. I'm just thinking forward. Our goal is to sell this house eventually, move to another larger ranch style home (if possible) with acreage. Then Arwen and I can finally have the one thing we each want most (my childhood dream). A horse in our own backyard.

The picture above is of our home. I felt kind of weird posting pictures of our house, but this picture gives a general idea (it's a colonial style home) and is spooky to boot. I took this one night during a full moon around halloween. I thought it looked neat.

Where is the mute button?

Vincent is a cutie. His little face is round, his cheeks are chubby. He is short in stature but very robust. He has a way of smiling that I like to call, "the shit eating grin". You just know he's going to get into something. There is a reason he is so cute. It is to keep me from killing him when he starts up with the tantrums.

He throws tantrums for anything and everything. If Logan touches him, he cries. If Arwen plays with his toys, he cries. If he doesn't get his way, he cries. When he wakes from his naps, he cries. The best fits are those in which he screams (this shrill, blood curling shrieks) over and over while throwing himself onto the floor. He will thrash his legs and arms.

I used to deal with this by simply ignoring him. But recently he will throw his little episodes for up to 20 minutes at a time (and will begin throwing objects around) and I can't deal with that anymore (and neither can Annabel, Arwen or Logan). So I've started placing him in a different room, on the couch. This way he can yell to his hearts delight and we don't have to suffer.

So far it's not worked that great. He continues to scream and cry. His school teachers (he goes part-time for speech) have been dealing with this issue in class as well. We've spoken about it and they assure me to remain firm and we will see progress. I keep remaining firm and he keeps a screaming. Like right now for instance...

Why don't children come with a mute button??

Acceptance

Right now I'm waging a terrible inner war. The logical side of me is losing out, the pride in me has the slight edge.

So what's the cause of this inner turmoil? Money of course. Money is tight in our house, especially right now. The logical part of me says, "Jaime. You live well. There are people out there struggling far worse than you, living with little to no food, in squalor. There are People who cannot clothe their children or pay the rent."

But then that pride in me says, "why can't you find the extra money to attend the bash? Do you want everyone at your daughter's school to think you don't care? You know people will notice you aren't there. Can you just go and bid on one thing? You really want that class quilt they made. You might not win it but you could try!"

And on the battle continues. I keep telling myself over and over most people who have children in this establishment are in a higher economical class than we. They have very lucrative employment. Most don't struggle with the little things...like money.

I hate feeling like this. Because I do love the simple things. I love my life, my children, my husband and my home. My children live a good life and don't go without. But still I am surrounded by those that remind me that as far as we've come, it still doesn't compare to others. For example. Arwens class has a quilt that is being auctioned. It has each childs' hand on it with a sea motif. I wish I could at least try to win it. But I know to have any shot at winning it, we'd end up having to get a small loan. We're bidding against people that have oodles of money. I won't be shocked to see it go in the thousands of dollars.

This bash thing they are holding, in my opinion, is insulting to some parents who are on a tight budget. They need to send out one flier or invitation and leave it alone. Let people RSVP and then send out all the letters each day with new items for auction, new people to honor and advertising what a "romantic night out" it can be for a couple to share.

Maybe I'm being bitter. I need a dose of real world, to help me see just how stupid this is, how petty. But I am human and it's human to want. Right? I don't know what's worse. Feeling like this or blogging for the world to see how shallow I am right now.

Resistance

So this week, Arwen returned to the private school. The first day was AWESOME. The teacher and I corresponded, Arwen came home on green, all was right with the world.

Then today...Arwen has two fish gone. And it's not for the normal minor infractions. Nope. My daughter, Hit another child (I do not yet know the context but plan on finding out) and she was 'disobedient'.

*GRRRR!!*

So now I'm left to take yet another angle on how to work with my child. I was recently given some help books on strong willed children. Tonight I plan on sitting down and absorbing as much information as I can. Let me state for the record right now. I do not believe Arwen suffers from anything such as ADD or ODD or any of those letter disorders. She is just a kid and instead of being a quiet one, she's more outspoken.

This is slowly beginning to wear me down. I'm at a total loss here. Arwen is a good child but I'd be lying if I said she isn't hard. She's very hard. She wants things her way, she doesn't listen and has a very short attention span. Just the other day I asked her repeatedly to tell me what she wanted as her snack this week for school. After the 3rd time asking, I took her face into my hands and forced her to look at me. She seemed to struggle with the answer, stuttering and pausing before she chose raisins.

Maybe Arwen is still immature in ways. She is only 6 years old. I remember as a child I was terrible with attention span. I often got reprimanded for day dreaming in class. Maybe she suffers from the same thing but instead of my shy nature she is more outspoken and therefore it's more readily apparent (as she is social with other children in her boredom).

My husband called on his cell after school and put her on the phone. She told me she only hit someone after after another child did. While she claims they were all laughing, she still knows better. I'm beginning to wonder if she was goaded into it (she claims the same thing with the rock, someone else threw one at her first).

Say a prayer for my sanity and please don't think my daughter is a devil child. She isn't. She's struggling because I'm failing her. I can't get a lock onto what the problem is so I can help her deal with it. I am on a mission now to find out what's going on. But my mission is complex and I'll tell you why.

I've known a kid much like Arwen and the option his parents chose for him was medications. His counselors and such decided he had all those letter disorders I spoke of above. But despite the medications he is more trouble than ever. I've heard this story over and over. And I'm standing firm in my resolve NOT to place my children on any medications for behavior. I think too many children in society are being drugged up and I refuse to become one of those parents.

Contrast

This is crazy! Either Dita is so pale she could pass for a corpse (and let me clear this up, I LOVE Dita) or Victoria's spray on tan is so vivid it makes her simply pale in comparison??

YIKES!

Mom Confession of the Week

I don't make my children eat all the food from their plates. Who am I to say if they are full or not??

Foggy Day

I just snapped this from our side deck. It's foggy (and cold and wet) outside, you can barely make out the road in the distance.

File this under...

I'm filing this under things I never thought about before until today. Leave it to my boys to find a way to be inventive with destruction.

I managed to get the cars out but it took a very long time. There were about 14 forced down the tubing. And where was I while this was happening? I was in the very same room, with my back turned, cleaning a mess off the floor.

The Mask

Do any of you remember this poem? I stumbled across it today. The words are not exactly as I remember them but I'm sure the poem has been changed here and there (as occurs from time to time on the net).

The Mask (Please hear what I'm not saying)

Don't be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask.
I wear a thousand masks,
and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me.
But don't be fooled,
for God's sake, don't be fooled.

I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without.
That confidence is my name and coolness my game.
That the water's calm and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me.
Please.

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weaknesses and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation, and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself.
From my own self-built prison walls.

I dislike hiding, honestlyI dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold.
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise.
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare. I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing,
that I'm just no good and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game.
With a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,
The glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front.

I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying.
Hear what I'd like to say but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you, long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.

You wonder who I am?
You shouldn't.
For I am every man you meet
And every woman you meet
And I am you, also.

--unknown--

Batman The Dark Knight Trailer

I'm so sad knowing this is Heath's last movie (he was filming a movie when he passed away).

Anyhow, here is the trailer. I wanted to see this so badly and now even more so. From the preview alone I think Heath's joker will far surpass any joker we've ever seen in the history of the big screen.

He will be greatly missed.

Heath Ledger, Shock!

I just heard the NEWS. This is tragic. I'm shocked. I never saw this coming. My heart goes out to his little girl.

Me...

Me...

I'm not just a Mom, I'm a person too.

My feelings are very easily hurt, even if I act as if I'm made of solid rock.

When I love, I love all the way, no holding back.

My children are the most important things in my life.

I have regrets but would never change anything I've done in my life.

I should take better care of myself.

I enjoy a cheesy romantic book from time to time.

When it comes to my children, I worry too much.

I'm deeper in love with my husband than the day we exchanged vows.

I believe in "til death do us part".

I drink too many cola's in the day.

I need to spend more time with my own Mother and Father.

I think about my youth but don't miss it.

I'm not the person I pictured myself to be when I was in high school.

I still get queasy at the sight of blood.

On days like today I wish I could see my Uncle Larry one last time.

I worry each day my children are in school without me.

I have irrational fear that something will take my children from me or they will come to harm.

I used to love dreaming but now I hate it, because of the nightmares.

I love my Sister and we are growing closer, I am happy about that.

The simple things in life make me happy.

I live each day asking god for just one more day...

A sick child isn't just a sick child...

Not when they are autistic anyway. Logan started coughing early yesterday morning and continued well into the day. By the time I arrived home from the doctor he was full blown and we quickly administered a breathing treatment and tylenol for his temp.

Throughout the night he was up and down. He cried and fought (as is the norm) when getting his breathing treatment again and he didn't settle in to sleep until 3-4am. I got up and helped Arwen get dressed, packed her lunch, kissed her goodbye, emailed her teacher, got Vincent settled (he'd just woken) and the Logan was up.

He's been cranky all day, saying "tummy hurt" over and over. He's not coughing as much but it breaks my heart because I don't know what exactly is wrong. I can't ask Logan simple things like, "where does it hurt? Do you feel better? Do you feel like you might throw up?" All I get is a smile from him or he will refuse to make eye contact with me. It's very frustrating at times.

Right now he's upstairs for his nap but I hear he and Vincent playing around on the radio. I guess I should get off my rear and put them back into bed.

6 Months Old

And she keeps getting cuter and sweeter. When my days are crap and I'm about to go insane she smiles at me and suddenly everything is ok.

Dear SLOB

Dear Jimbo,

.

I must give kudos where it is due. You did a good job tricking me prior to our marriage. The little "act" of being a neat freak was pretty good. Bravo. I fell for it hook line and sinker. With that out of the way...

.

If I have to keep cleaning stains off the walls from our children (I have no idea what they do when they are with you but above is evidence of what I've spend the better part of the morning cleaning) or scrubbing the carpet to remove spaghetti sauce, you're not getting laid for a very and I mean VERY long time.

.

It's your choice. I'll get down and dirty but would you prefer it be with you or the floors?

.

Sincerely,

Your Very Pissed off Wife

Blogworthy

I was over at Bun in the Oven and she was talking about the blogging community. She mentioned something I do all the time. I'll have something happen in my life and immediately think, "that's going in my next blog", or "that's so blogworthy".

How many of you've done this? I can mention some things I never did blog about but almost did, here are a few off the top of my head:

The time I got the answer right on "Are you smarter than a 5th grader". The question was math and I got it right, Jimbo got it wrong. And he has a masters in engineering. I ran around the room, dancing and saying over and over, "who's your Daddy?"

The time I had a gargantuan booger on my nose and went the entire day (my husband was home now) walking around with it until my daughter got home from her Meme's and said, "Mommy what's on your face?" Thanks babe.

When I'd just given birth to Annabel and I got my first shower. I was so out of it I couldn't understand why the lotion wouldn't rub in and was so thick and strong smelling. I discovered the next day that was due to it being body wash. I'm sure people avoided my room as I'm sure I stank.

The day I walked out of Wal-Mart and found q-tips that were under the baby seat. I stood and debated on what to do. Pull all of the kids out of the car and go back inside? Pay for it or drop it off? Leave it in the cart? Or just say to hell with the dollar and keep it.

Or getting hit on by the guy who claimed he was married with a 2 year old and was just looking for a friend. Yeah right buddy.

Quote from a Hero

I'm currently reading Superhero: A biography of Christopher Reeve. There is a quote from him that touched me. I wanted to share it. It speaks volumes.

"The key to being a good father is never to think you own your child-you don't."

He then goes on to add, "Why, Matthew is a real person. He's just short." (Matthew being his oldest child)

School Update

So as of today, this is where we stand.

I spoke with the public school, found out exactly what I needed to enroll her. We spoke briefly about the issues at hand, what I expected for my daughter. After we hung up I called the private school to tell them my concerns and the potential impact from it.

The private school gets my number. The assistant principal calls. I've never spoken with her and I wish now that I had. She was very polite, very calm and listened to all of my concerns. She has met my child before and told me she personally doesn't believe my daughter does anything out of a malicious intent. She asked me to consider meeting with her and Mrs. B together next week to try one time to make this work. I was hesitant at first but decided to give them both the opportunity to try and win me over with a positive plan for my child.

I then received a call from the public school again, this time from the principal. I told him the offer from the other school and he understood my decision to at least hear them out. He also assured me that Arwen is always welcome. He was very cordial and warm, so I'll feel totally comfortable moving her if this doesn't work.

So next week, I will take Arwen back to the private school to meet with the assistant principal and with Mrs. B. I will give them the chance to explain their plan and I'll give Arwen the chance to tell me what she thinks. The worst that can happen is she starts the public school one or two weeks later. Because if she continues to be miserable, she's as good as transferred.

I'll keep you updated. Cross your fingers for us.

Lies and the hateful people who say them

My feelings have been greatly hurt the last few days. I found out about someone saying some pretty terrible things about me that are untrue and malicious. I tried to shrug it all off because after all, this came about from playing FFXI online. But I'm still having a difficult time with it.

Being called names, or being told I've done things I haven't, is becoming increasingly hard to ignore. I went back to playing the game here and there, only because Tytus asked us to and we really missed him. We enjoyed spending time and chatting online and doing things that didn't involve too much time.
.
I should have known all those bitter and hateful people we left behind would see we'd returned and start it all back up. I don't understand it. Why can't people just play a game as intended instead of making it this huge soap opera. Maybe people don't play for the storyline or to have fun, maybe it's because they enjoy hurting others.

I may have to just leave for good. I'd walked away for a few months and was happy in the decision. A lot happier than I am now I can tell you. I suppose the only reason I stay is I refuse to allow people to run me off. I don't want to give them the satisfaction. But now that all of my old friends are gone (except Tytus) it's just not the same anymore.

Sorry for the rant as I realize most won't understand this because they have never played a MMORPG. It's one of the worst things about it honestly.

Kansas City Shuffle

The kids and I have been dancing around to this all morning. I figured I'd share the song so you could envision the madness here.

Join us, won't you?

John Cusack

I will never look at Better of Dead the same now. That isn't to say I don't love the movie or don't enjoy it. I just won't be able to watch it thinking everyone just loves this movie because its so funny and enjoyable.

Nope. Seems that John Cusack hates the film. I mean hates it. How much does he hate it? He doesn't want to speak about the film in interviews (and also doesn't like One Crazy Summer, also directed by Savage) I was rather shocked to find Better off Dead and One Crazy Summer omited from his Inside the Actors Studio interview.

I don't know why he dislikes the film so much. He says he was tricked but honestly I don't see how. He watched footage at the end of each day, helped edit the movie and he read the script. Not to mention the film had positive reviews and has become a cult classic.

Thanks for the heads up Jeff! HERE is the link he shared with me about the movie and John's dislike of it. The picture on top is a picture he was so kind to email to me from a show he did in

Durango.

Better off Dead Camaro

Tonight I remembered to google something that has been on my mind for the last two weeks. I've been doing a marathon of Better off Dead the last few nights and decided to do a google search about the movie.

To my surprise, I found a link to a website. BetterOffDeadCamaro.com If you are a fan of this movie or if you've lusted over this vehicle, you have to take a peek. Jeff decided to find out where this car was and to track it down. It took alot of hard work and patience but eventually it all paid off. He not only found the car but he managed to purchase and restore it as well.

It.Is.Awesome.

I emailed him like some geek to tell him I was going to make an entry about it. I hope he doesn't think I'm some deranged person. I've wanted to restore a muscle car for so long and seeing all of this rekindled that fire. My father owned a 69' Oldsmobile 442 (much like the one pictured above) and I cried when he sold it (I remember this vividly even though I was only 8 or so at the time). I swore one day I'd get the car back.

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The site also has a "Did you know?" section and it's interesting. Offering some insight into the movie and some of what transpired on set. Check it out.

Saying Goodbye

I visited my friend's myspace blog. The one I haven't spoken to in over a year now. Her cousin (I'll call her C) is the young lady who committed suicide this past week. Her entry was very sad, full of memories and guilt for not seeing the plan her cousin had in place during christmas. But I was relieved that she accepts she has found peace, even if it meant hurting those around her.

I don't know C's entire mental health situation. I believe something happened to her when she was a child (with a man if that tells you something). I know she struggled with this but couldn't give any specifics. I'd honestly not thought much of her in the last few years.

This entire situation is heartbreaking. C left behind a journal to chronicle the events a week before the night she took her life. She had everything planned out to a T. She spoke about not wanting her Mom to find her, finally going to heaven and finally ending her inner pain. I can't imagine how much C's Mother is suffering right now. My heart breaks for her.

I don't ever want to know what it is like to say goodbye to your child.

Mom Confession of the Week

As much as I try to enjoy cooking...I just don't. Sorry Betty Crocker.

Drive

So I kept Arwen from school and waited to hear from the school in our zone. They didn't call by the time I had to go get Vincent (at another school, the one I'd rather place Arwen in, right beside our district). After we got him I drove by the school to show it to her.

I didn't realize how very worn and run down the facility is. It's pretty bad. It made me hesitate for a moment in my decision somewhat. I did contact Mrs. B this morning via email to make her aware of the situation. It is her class after all and I think she has the right to know.

I think I'll spend today calling the school board about policies with placing a child into another school (out of zone). I was told I can do this as long as I drop her off and pick her up.

No More

It's official. I am pulling my daughter out of the school from hell. No more of this petty bullshit.

I get a call today from the school and my daughter is on black...again. So I talk to her, find out what she did and ask why she did it. I tell her that her father and I will talk to her when she gets home, that I love her and to put her teacher on.

Sub teacher gets on the phone and tells me cheerfully but in a condescending tone, "Mrs. S I'll be sending home a paper you will need to sign and return to me."

"Let's worry about that in a minute," I say. "First, what exactly did my daughter do to have these fish removed?"

"Excuse me?" she seems amazed I'm not just accepting what she tells me to do.

"I said, what did my daughter do exactly?"

"Well, the first thing she did was not follow directions and/or pay attention."

"Ok, how exactly did this happen though? What was she doing? How did she not follow directions?"

"Well...," she falters for a moment. "There is so much going on in class I can't recall exactly."

"Please forgive me for saying this," I'm ready to give her an ass chew. "But if you want me to punish my child I need to know exactly what she did."

"I'm sorry, I don't recall exactly."

"Ok, what was the second thing she did?"

"She spoke in the hallway."

At this point I'm starting to fester. I've been punishing my child for months for the most petty of things, like forgetting to put away crayons to talking in the hallway.

"Ok, and as for the last thing?"

"She threw a rock at a child."

"She did? Did she say why? What happened?"

"Well, I don't know exactly, a boy came to us and said Arwen threw a rock at him."

"So you didn't see her do this, so you don't know if this was done in play or anger or what, but she pulled a fish?"

"Mrs. S throwing rocks is very dangerous and shouldn't be done."

"Oh I agree, totally. But when I punish my children I need to know what has happened so I can find out exactly why she did something wrong. I don't tell her simply, 'you don't throw rocks'. I get deeper into it. I ask why she threw the rock. Was she angry? Was she playing? What was the problem? Arwen has 3 younger siblings, believe me when I say hitting, throwing or pushing isn't tolerated here."

"Yes Mrs. Saare. Unfortunately Arwen has troubles often with talking and sitting still. This has been a constant struggle with her."

I take a breath and start counting to ten.

"Please listen. I've been in talks with Mrs. B for weeks regarding this very thing. She has told me my daughter is strong willed and this won't change. She and I have been working together to find a way to work with Arwen for a positive outcome. I don't expect you to understand this because you weren't here when this happened. I'll talk to Arwen tonight and her father as well."

After we hung up I called the public school in our zone. I'm taking Arwen there tomorrow and letting her take a look. If she wants to go there, she is.

It's time I do what's best for my child. She is so very unhappy. Her voice today was something I've never ever heard before. Her voice was broken.

What a Meth House looks like...

So, this is the meth house I told you about in an entry a while back. Just click on it to see inside the tiny circle I drew. That would be a chemical waste warning on the door. There was one on the window but it has since been removed.

Tom Cruise scares me!

Ok, maybe I was wrong about my daughter's school. God bless the Catholics! (At least they have a religion I can understand and get behind).

Once you watch this video you'll never view Tom the same. I had to watch it a couple of times to catch it all but it's scary. Oh and by the way, KSM = Keeping Scientology Working and SP's = Suppressive People (aka non-believers).

You can watch the insanity HERE. But hurry, Scientologists keep getting this video yanked. Maybe it has to do with Tom's drivel about helping a billion people on "earth" and that only scientologists can truly help people. Or maybe it's the "crushing all SP's" that get under the skin of most.

Nicole Kidman, I'm so glad you made it out.

School Thoughts

I've been thinking about this all day and when I read the question by Erin decided to make another entry, to deeper explain what is happening.

First, they are asking for parents to donate a meal each week for a prize for this "Bash" they are holding. Basically the winner of this silent auction item will get a free meal once a week (or something) for so long by parents. So they are asking for donations for the meals for this prize. I hope that makes sense.

OK, now for what I've been thinking.

Maybe all of this is just me. Maybe the problem isn't so much with the school. Sure they ask for money constantly (all schools do) but so do other schools (even if they don't use the parents calling one another methods). Maybe this all stems from how my mind works. Let me explain.

I was raised pretty poor. My parents always kept me fed and clothed (and clean!). They worked very hard to make a life for themselves but those first years were rough. I still remember the trailer park I lived in. I remember wanting for material things but never asking my Mother or Father because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. I took pride in how hard they worked just to care for me and my sister.

My parents finally came into their own financial stability when I was in my teens. We lived comfortably in a trailer until Mom and Dad had the money and moved to a house. So all through out high school I was constantly struggling with that image. The one of living in the "park". All of popular kids knew who we were. In fact, this is where I met Jimbo (he lived in similar circumstances).

So as we've climbed that social ladder, a part of me has moved forward as another part of me has firmly stayed behind. And you know what? I'm glad of that. Knowing how it is to live on the other side of the fence works wonders for keeping a strict budget and living within your means.

This plays into the school situation in that a part of me still wishes to be "those" people. The ones I knew in high school who never cared much about money because they had so much of it. The people who send their children to this school have alot of wealth. One of the silent auction items at this bash we won't be attending is a CONDO. I freaking condo. If that tells you anything.

I believe my daughter is very intelligent and I want to give her the best possible start. She is worth that investment. But I've also given money outside of the huge tuition monthly to her class already. $5 dollars here, $10 there. It adds up. And then to be asked for more money on top of it, it just gets to a point where I hate to say no but I honestly can't say yes.

It's sort of like this. I'm sure you've all had the calls from different organizations asking for donations. Yet when you offer $5 dollars they say to you, "I'm sorry, the minimum donation we are requesting is $25 dollars". Why can't they just accept what you have to offer? I've always assumed if someone truly needs money they will jump on anything given. But I've had the phone calls to prove otherwise.

One of the major reasons this is stressing me I suppose is recently we cut our budget back for excess spending (and I mean cut it). We're doing this in an effort to save for something that must be cared for and soon...our home. It sucks but it's how we'll finally get this done. For normal joes like ourselves, that means saving and cutting out extras. But for others (like some parents at this school) $10,000 dollars isn't something they'd have to save for.

Thanks for all your comments. I really appreciate them. I'll continue to think this over and try to come up with the best possible solution.

Sad Stories

I'm a huge reader of medical blogs. One of my favorites is ERNursey. She made an entry sharing a bloggers two entries about people you meet that break your heart and when I read them I had to hold back tears.

If you are interested the story in two parts can be found HERE and HERE at DisappearingJohn RN.

Baby Girl

She is here and she is TINY. 6lbs 6oz and 18 inches long. She was born literally as I blogged about her. No wonder Hailey was in so much pain! She came quickly and is resting comfortably with her Mommy.

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Here are the pictures as promised. There is still debate on her name but I'll post that up when I know for sure.

Explain this to me????

Why is it....

My sons can take apart anything they come across. It can be made of plastic, concrete or steel and they will destroy it piece by piece.
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BUT...
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They still come yelling and screaming to me to take their shoes and socks off because they haven't figured out how to yet?

I just don't get it....

Public School Thoughts

I am seriously fed up with my daughters private school. As in I'm so angry I could blow.

I answered the phone as it rang for the 20th time this morning. I've been anxious about my sister and I've been getting updates every 10-20 minutes but the number on my ID was someone I didn't know. I answered it and it was from a parent from the private school, wanting (wait for it...) more money.

I wanted to chew her ass. I know they have a ton of money to blow through. I realize that many of them have lucrative jobs and can contribute money for everything. But we cannot. We put our necks on the chopping block just to place Arwen into this school.

I tried as nicely as possible to explain that:

We are on a budget.

We have 4 children.

I am a stay at home Mom.

It was a strain financially just to place Arwen in the academy at all and extra money wasn't something we just had on hand.

But this woman wouldn't take no for an answer. She told me it was tax deductible and would greatly "help the parents". She basically wanted us to either, A. Make a Dinner for two parents to share for a night out or B. Purchase a gift certificate to a local restaurant for them to go out to dinner together.

News flash lady, I can't even get out to a nice dinner with my own husband unless it's our anniversary. Why in the hell am I going to give someone else the money to do it instead? If anyone needs that time alone together it's us!

I finally told her to call back. That I'd have to speak to my husband about our finances first. She said she'd call back tonight but I told her I'd be with my sister, so she said she'd call tomorrow. I hope she does because I've already decided, I'll have Jimbo answer. He'll take care of her.

I think we need to place Arwen into a public school next year. I care alot about her education but I can no longer put up with these rich people. It makes me very uncomfortable. And what kills me is you see children in that school who come from struggling families, even more so than ours. You can see it in the tattered uniforms and book bags. Yet they still ask those parents to donate and they usually do since it's, "For the Church".

It burns my ass, I tell you. If they truly want to do something for others, they need to pay attention to those who have the money to donate and those who don't. Then they can call up Mr. and Mrs. Doctor Smith and get their cash. I'm sure she won't miss out on getting a new pair of shoes. But leave Mr. and Mrs. Average Joe alone.

And I really want to see where all this money they collect goes to. I want to see the books. There is no way possible the money goes into our school and classroom. "How do you know that?" you might wonder? The answer is simple. Because all of things in the classroom have come from US parents. The teachers and principal made sure to nickel and dime us before school started for it all.

I have a feeling it's going toward that big shiny church next door. I told Jimbo before I didn't like the idea of a Catholic private school. Sure I want my daughter to have the best education offered in our area but I don't see how teaching her "Holy Mary" and other prayers qualifies as "quality education".

I'm really open here for some sound advice. Would you place your child in public school? What would you do here? If it weren't for the constant asking for money I might not mind so much. The teacher issues will be resolved next year (I hear Mrs. B is very tough but the first grade teachers are awesome) so the only problem will be this.

And better yet. If we do keep her there. How would you deal with these calls? The school is VERY smart. They have parents calling parents. It's much easier to get ugly to a solicitor or to throw away mail but you try blowing off a parent on the other end of the phone.

I'm all ears.