Madness!

December 1st in our home marks the descent into the chaos that is Christmas. That's not to say we don't love the holiday, or that Christmas music isn't blasting from the stereo in the living room all day. Rather, my children are getting older, and that means we are bombarded with gift requests to relay to Santa that don't involve cheap dolls, trucks, or tinker blocks.

When I was a child, I was fortunate to get a couple of the "big" presents I really wanted. But that was before the invention of the super expensive Wii, PS3, and X-Box. Not to mention all those nifty and cool action figures, dolls, and accessories. With four children, that Christmas list begins to look more and more like a credit card statement.

Now I understand why my parents detested those commercials that sank their teeth into us and had us begging for the latest and greatest Care Bear.

Strep Throat

Arwen woke up this morning and I inspected her skin. The rash she had wasn't necessarily worse but it wasn't better either. I decided to take her into the pediatrician just to be safe and it's a good thing I did.

Turns out she has strep throat (a first in our home) and the strep in turn has caused her eczema to flare into infintigo. She's fully medicated and on the mend but keeping her apart from the other children for a full week is going to be impossible.

Fun stuff.

Selective Helping

I've decided to run away from my heathen children for a few minutes to blog about a phenomenon I've discovered and labeled personally. It's something that wasn't around in my childhood, back when a "no" answer would mean subjection to objects such as switches or belts. This new state of mind occurs when you ask your child to perform some menial task and depending on:

A. Their mood
B. Their mood
C. Their mood

They may or may not respect that request.

Example.

Today as I was cleaning the sink I asked my oldest daughter to go downstairs to keep an eye on her brothers and baby sister. I notice she doesn't respond immediately so I repeat the request, gazing up and noting she is no longer in the room. Instead she has chosen to retreat outside to feed her rabbit, thus doing something else that is fun versus productive.

Selective helping, my children suffer from it. Do yours?

The Art of Cursing

Five years ago, my mouth was sparkly clean. Rarely would the f-bomb be uttered from these lips, only a random "damn" or "shit" in sight. Then something monumental occurred, a life changing experience that is supposed to make you want to keep things G-rated.

I had kids.

It started out small. A little "damn" when I dropped something or a little "shit" when I stuck my finger in...well shit. But eventually the small pleasure I derived from these phrases lost it's charm and another word worked itself into my potty mouth vocabulary. A word I always hated and made me cringe. A word that would have gotten me a slap to the mouth as a teen. I'm talking about the word, the big word, the F word.

The f-bomb is a frequent flier in my house. I'll drop it without thinking; when I drop a plate and smash it, when I stub my toe or when I step onto a hot wheels car (those miniature objects of metal and sharpness are the bane of my existence). But I realized the other day it's taken another direction. I also use the F word when I need to release built up stress from hours alone with diapers, Thomas the train, and laundry.

Sometimes when my day is shit and I'm ready to explode and the kids are screaming and fighting and I just want to blow, I just let it fly - Fuck! And then something inside me says, "ahhhhh" and I can return to my folding, chasing and wrangling - at peace once again.

So if the future generation that comes to you courtesy of my home have the mouth of a sailor, please forgive me, at least they won't be bullies, liars or thieves. Sometimes you have to strive for the obtainable. We're going to make Ozzy's family look like the Cosby's.

Ultimate BC Pill

Because I love you all and want to share a bit of my daily suffering I decided to upload this family gem onto my blog. This is an average day in my life - so fabulous, I know. (The poor schmuck you hear talking is Jimbo, it was his turn to wait inside the van while I ran into Hell-Mart for something)

Maybe I should submit this to America's funniest home videos. All that screaming should be worth 10,000 smackers.

Bog of Eternal Stench

There comes a point in every Mom's life when she wishes for one thing and one thing only - a potty trained child.

My two oldest did pretty well, Logan especially all things considered. And now it's Vincent's turn. He is 3 years old but soon he'll be 4 which means this diaper business has got to go. He has ZERO interest in the toilet and the more I sit him on the throne the less he wants to be there.

The problem isn't actually sitting like a prince on the crapper, he hops up there like a champ. Thing is, he immediately wipes, smiles and says "ALL DONE!" proudly. There is no business being taken care of, no deposit of any sort and I don't know how to get him there.

My nose hair has fallen out from the diaper induced stench. I'm hoping for progress at this point but praying for miracles.

Is it ok?

I put the dog outside for peeing on the floor. So it's ok to do the same for my son, right?

That Does It!!!

All last week I begged, I pleaded, I explained and I even went so far as to show my daughter and sons how to clean up after themselves. I told them repeatedly that if they didn't make the effort to clean after themselves, I was throwing their things directly into the trash.

Today was a long day, full of crying and fussing, arguments and tantrums. Then at nap time they wouldn't go down, waking Annabel. I walked up the stairs and was greeted by the biggest mess the world has ever seen.

And I snapped.

I walked downstairs and grabbed several trash bags and proceeded to Arwen's room where I started grabbing and stuffing anything and everything I found. She asked me what I was doing and I responded, "teaching you a very valuable lesson". She started screaming and yelling so I did what she had coming, I busted that hiney and then returned to my task.

I have emptied her room of every object laying on the floor out of place, including her video games. They are currently sitting in garbage bags. I have decided that we will NOT purchase anymore toys for any of the children. The boys rooms are next as well as the playroom.

Their next shopping excursions over the next couple of months will entail good behavior in exchange for ONE thing. And if they keep making messes I will continue to bag it up. I'm sure the goodwill has plenty of children who would love to take advantage of my children's wastefulness.

NO!

NO! You cannot...

Have more cereal, ice cream, chips, cookies, crackers or whatever other food you want right now.

Watch the same Thomas video over and over.

Play with the blinds.

Destroy my room.

Smear food into the floor.

Climb over the gate.

Play with the remote.

Eat that food you found on the floor.

Hit your sibling.

Yell and scream.

Throw a tantrum.

Break various objects.

Throw your toys.

Whine and cry about it.

And NO, I won't change my mind!

Twilight Popularity

As I've written before, I'm in love with a book series. It started innocently enough, I was intrigued by the cover of the book (two hands, holding a red apple, signifying eating of the forbidden fruit) and decided to give it a shot. I brought it home and a love affair began.

I've read Twilight at least 7-8 times now, New Moon (my least favorite) 3-4 and Eclipse 7-8 times as well. There is something about the characters that pull you in and make you care about them so much so you simply cannot stop thinking about them, even when you've closed the book.

So I was speaking to my husband about a few controversies with the books.

The first being the Mom's who say they refuse to allow their daughter's to read them because it portrays girls as worthless unless they have the love of a beautiful boy - valid I suppose. And they claim it is a negative example that Bella is willing to forsake everything, her life, her family, her mortality, all for the sake of this boy she loves - also valid.

Which brings me to the other thing Jimbo asked - why are these books so insanely popular??

I really thought about that. Why is it "I" love the books so much. Basically the story is a romance novel about Bella and Edward.

Then it hit me.

I think the reason so many people relate to this story, especially girls and women, is because Edward isn't around anymore. We live in a society today where men teach their boys to be "manly". Where it's acceptable to call girls and women "bitches and ho's" and to ask a girl out by saying "hey baby, can I dip those digits?"

Gone is the guy who holds opens the door, brings you flowers on the first date or tells you how amazingly beautiful you are in his eyes. The romance has faded and in it's place are men who think we're lucky they will give us the time of day and there are girls convinced enough to buy it.

I'm fortunate that my husband was raised by a woman who taught him early on how to treat a woman like a lady - with respect and kindness. The sad thing is that most women wouldn't want a man like mine because he didn't fit the description girls are brought up believing will make them happy. A huge 6' plus guy with bulging abs and a temper.

Let me take care of That

Scene - Playroom. Vincent is screaming after getting into trouble for flicking the light switch.

Arwen: MOM! I can't hear the movie!!!!

Me: Well Jeez Arwen, let me use my Mom super power silencer frequency waves to mute your brother!

Another day in my life.

Internet Woes and Sloppy Children = Annoyed Mommy

I have had it with this PC. It's the biggest piece of junk and I solemnly swear to all you fellow bloggers as soon as I replace this P.O.S. (read between the lines, its rhymes with Please Don't Hit) I'm taking this hard drive out into the drive way and having a good old time, Office Space style. Right now I cannot access my email without it crashing. It lets me read the email but when I begin to create mail or attempt to send it out...well it just locks up and I have to reboot.

So to my fellow blogger who emailed me, I will write back, please bear with me.

Now to the children - and my intense desire to rip each individual hair out of my head by the roots.

My days have stared off badly due to simple sleeping arrangements aka my sleeping on the couch. Annabel simply will not sleep through the night when I am in the room and right now, I cannot place her with Arwen because I'd never get any sleep at all (Arwen is a night owl that won't go to bed, we are working to resolve that issue too, just one of many).

So I wake up less than refreshed and usually pretty cranky, then I deal with these gems that make me want to take a nose dive off the Mommy train.

Arwen - staying up all night (waiting until we are in bed to get up and play). She's been waking up later and later, until the final straw came Saturday. She normally plays in her room and we'd noticed she was unusually quiet, not even getting up for any cereal. I guess she must have been up all night because when I went to check on her, she was still asleep...at 1pm in the afternoon. Since then she's been given an early 6:30am wake up each and everyday.

Vincent - still refuses to potty train and is having severe temperamental issues. He thrashes and throws himself around, not pretty.

Logan - is finally potty trained but hasn't figured out the concept of how to put his clothing back on. I've tried and tried showing him how it works and unless he keeps his shorts on when he potties I'm running up the stairs to help him dress. There is nothing better than when I've just sat down to eat and I have to stand up to go wipe a rear, maybe that would explain my lack of appetite.

Then there is the collaborative effort by all of them to make the biggest messes the world has ever known. They remind me of tornado's touching down in my house that leave debris all over the place. At first I would pick the messes up, having them help. But recently it's become constant and I'm always picking up something.

Then today the boys woke early from their nap while I was cleaning the basement. I heard a boom and went upstairs (got to love the "boom" that signals trouble) and I found all of them, in Arwen's closet, her clothes all over the floor.

I don't know how I managed not to lose my shit. Instead I calmly told Arwen she has two options. She can clean her room and rehang her clothes OR I could take them to goodwill and she could get by this first semester in her old stuff.

I'm reaching a breaking point with my children and their total lack of respect for their belongings. I shoulder a huge portion of the blame. If I hadn't bought so much junk that they honestly don't need, I wouldn't have to worry about cleaning it now.

If this keeps up, I am cleaning house and throwing everything I see into the trashcan.

An Update

I just wanted to check in, quickly, while the kids are behaving (for once!)

Things have been absolute hell here the last couple of weeks. Logan and Vincent fight constantly, Annabel refuses to let me put her down (or move out of her line of sight), and Arwen is as mouthy as ever.

At the start of the summer I could slip away for a little private internet love but not so much now. I learned two weeks ago that my boys will merely use the opportunity to ransack the house, breaking anything and everything in their path.

On a positive note, I've finished school clothes shopping and I'm counting the days until I can read all of your blogs without interruption, while sipping a hot cup of coffee. And Annabel celebrated her 1st birthday Sunday, I took pictures and will try to put them up this weekend. I can't believe it's been a year already.

Hope you all are well! And Tania, I've marked my caledar, I'll be getting Breaking Dawn at midnight, reading it from start to finish in one sitting. Jimbo has been advised!

Only 10 minutes to Nap Time

With the summer full on here there is one phrase I find myself saying/yelling/screaming over and over again.

"I am only ONE person!"

Each morning starts off pretty good (unless it was another repeat of sleeping on the couch as now Annabel cries for me whenever she wakes at night and smells me). I get up, make drinks, get coffee,and settle down with the kids to attempt to rouse myself. Normally this serene scene lasts a total of 5 minutes, usually less, when it starts.

What is "it" you ask? It is the different commands/requests/demands I hear from this moment in the morning until I put my bundles of sunshine and joy into bed each night. The requests range from the obvious, "Poopie da pottie Mommy!" to the annoying, "more drink please!" But the worst part is when I receive requests from not one, not two, but all of my children followed by crying from the baby who either wants to be held or fed herself.

When they all start up my teeth grit together and my brain struggles to decide which request deserves to be seen to first. Of course bodily functions are a no-brainer but what about changing the TV, making a snack or drink or dragging out a particular toy. And believe me, this goes on all day long. The only time I receive a reprieve is when they all settle in to take a nap.

Did I mention that nap times are the best part of my day? I live for nap time.

Mess

So I hear it. BOOM!

Then I hear it again only louder and deeper. BOOM!!!!!

I get up and trek up the stairs, as I round the corner to the second set I announce I'm on to them.

"Logan, Vince, time to get up!"

I hear them shuffling around and begin walking up the stairs when they appear at the top.

"Come on down guys...wait get your drinks please," I begin walking up the stairs when Logan places his hands outward, palm toward my body.

"Messy Mommy!" he tells me.

"Oh, messy huh? Well I'm definitely coming up now!" As if to give the go ahead he motions both hands to the left and under, kind of like Vanna White on Wheel of Fortune.

I walk past and the picture above was the sight that greeted me. One things for sure, it's NEVER boring in this house, EVER.

PMS Blues

You probably think I've crawled into a hole thanks to my devious children but I'm here to tell you it's nothing as dramatic as that. Last week Jimbo had the sniffles which he passed on to the boys, then Arwen and finally to me.

To add insult to injury, I also got that unwelcome little visitor women have to greet each month. I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later but I'd hoped I'd have more time as I continue nursing Annabel...no go though.

I forgot how much I detest PMS.

Other side of the Fence

Today the AC repairman came out to replace our system. I'd promised when he arrived I'd take the kids to pick a DVD at the store to keep them out of everyone's hair. We packed up and drove to the local Hollywood Video.

I was nervous as this was the first time at this particular store with all the children. Arwen and Logan held hands as I held on to Vincents and balanced Annabel's car seat in the crook of my other arm. We went inside and walked to the children's section.

I had to reprimand Logan a few times for running off but for the most part it went very smoothly. When we'd made our selections we took them to the counter. I was thinking to myself that it looked like I'd survive this trip unscathed. Of course it was around this time my 3 year old decided to bitch slap me back down to reality.

I was paying when Vincent saw the gumball machine. I walked around the edge of the counter and told him I didn't have any quarters and it was time to go. Arwen pulled out a dime to try in the machine and I explained it wouldn't work. Meanwhile this pisses Vincent off even more as he wants a gumball and Arwen is touching the machine (he's having sharing issues now, with everyone but Annabel).

This resulted in a full scale meltdown. He began thrashing and screaming (just like last time) and I stood mortified. I told Arwen to take Logan's hand, it was time to go. As I grabbed Vincent he decided to use his dead weight trick on me and dropped to the ground. His screams echoed through out the store and I felt myself getting hot from embarrassment.

Then suddenly I'd had enough. I sat Annabel down and handed Arwen the bag with the videos inside. I instructed her to grab onto Logan's hand because we were leaving. I walked over to Vincent, wrapped my right arm around his waist, and hoisted all 40 pounds of him up. As I walked around the wooden security posts Vincent grabbed them with his arms and began kicking and screaming. He kicked Arwen in the face and she began to cry. I made sure she was ok before telling her we had to get to the van. She wiped her tears and walked over to Logan and took his hand once more.

I turned to the video clerk and asked if he had a video camera handy. He laughed and said no and I said it was a shame because he had the opportunity to shoot the most influential birth control video the world has ever seen.

After pulling on him Vincent lost his grip on the posts. I hurried over to Annabel who was waiting patiently (god love her) and I picked up all 25+ pounds of her and carseat and began walking to the door. (This is harder than when I normally carry her because I was forced to hold her with my hand and arm only, instead of resting in the crook of my arm, it's very difficult to carry her and even more difficult to carry her for more than a minute) Arwen opened the door while also keeping a hold on Logan and I walked out. I carried Vincent to the van before putting him down. By this point he'd calmed and had stopped screaming and fortunately the short walk from the store to my van had cooled me off as well.

I guess this is karma's way of biting me in the ass for all those times I've seen wild children in public and thought to myself, "why does that parent let that child act that way??". If any of those parents felt like I did today then believe me, they were absolutely mortified. I couldn't get out of that store fast enough and if I weren't surrounded by patrons I'd have loved nothing more than to bust Vincent's tiny hiney.

I don't know what I'm going to do with him. He can be the sweetest boy in the world and he's so nurturing and loving with Annabel. But he's also capable of being so angry and loud when he's frustrated. It's impossible to calm him during one of his breakdowns.

One things for certain. I won't be returning to the video store again when he's with me. I don't want to be known as the woman who's kid goes apeshit in the store over gumballs.

Almost forgot. I've been keeping tabs on scoreboard but haven't posted it. So to update:

Summer Scoreboard:

Mom=10
Kids=8

I'm not crazy, I swear

The Cook's pest control people must thing I'm a crazy woman. First I was busted dancing around and singing practically naked and now I've been observed yelling at the top of my lungs at my well behaved angels.

Here's how it went down. I had meat from Friday in the fridge that had to be stored today. I brought everyone to the middle floor, placed Annabel in her baby seat and got to cleaning and packing. This is a process that usually only takes 20 minutes or so, depending on what I have to freeze. Today it was just pork and chicken...no big deal.

So as I was washing the pork the kids started. First it was running around the circle the middle floor creates. Then it was yelling at each other, then it was tag. I know from past experience this will lead to injury.

"Please stop running!" I yelled out and continued putting the pork chops away.

By the time I'd finished the first bag I'd requested nicely that they stop 4-5 times. I cleaned my hands and intercepted them midrun. I got down on their level and asked again before returning to finish up the pork. When I was done I started on the chicken.

Now, I hate cleaning chicken to freeze. It stinks and I'm terrified of raw chicken contamination. So I don't like to be pulled away with my nasty hands to tend to my little heathens. Of course they went buck wild during this time so I did what any respectful and well meaning Mother does. I yelled and I yelled and yelled some more.

"STOP RUNNING PLEASE! STOP RIGHT NOW!"

Finally I realized the chicken would have to wait. I washed my hands clean and as I was wiping them off I yelled a warning;

"Here I come, you're about to get busted!"

I rounded the corner when I saw him. On the back porch, well within earshot to my yells was the pest control man.

I noticed after the last fiasco a new man was dispatched to take care of all our insect needs. I wonder if this one will request reassignment to.

I just love my children, thanks guys.

Picnic

Today was the annual company picnic. We loaded up the kids and took off this afternoon in what we hoped would be a fun family day. For the most part, that is what we got, with one noticeable exception...the freaking redneckville HEAT.

Oh my dear god. I broke my "no shorts" rule and purchased some capri's the night before. It marked the first time in years I've worn anything other than pants out (another topic for another day) and it's a good thing too or I'd never have made it.

The one thing I have to blog about though is the poor little girl in the blue harness. She was perhaps 3 years old and was strapped into a blue harness that wrapped around her chest and shoulders. On the back was a clasp and this was attached to a blue leash. On the other end was the girls Mom. Now I realize some people like the child leash but it reminded me of a woman on a walk with her dog. This Mom would walk a decent distance ahead of her child and then pull on the leash. The little girl would stumble at times and do an odd jog to catch up only to fall behind and be tugged at once more. I finally snapped a picture to share with you all. Let's hope they never read my blog!

After we were finished we packed back into the van and rushed to Hell-Mart to pick up the things necessary to bake an apple pie (Jimbo's request for Father's Day). While there I got stuck in a 20 minute line and by the time I made it to the Van Jimbo handed me the camera with one instruction:

"You have to watch this, I recorded it while you were gone."

Since the kids were screaming their heads off I pretty much knew what it was he wanted me to see. I have to say I'm so glad I was the one that went inside the store.

Summer School

These books are AWESOME. I knew I'd keep up with arts and crafts and learning activities this summer with all children and when I went to Wal-Mart I hit up the school supply section. I got the various things; pencils, crayons, markers, water paints but I wanted something more and when I saw this I put it in the cart.

There are so many wonderful lessons and Arwen enjoys playing "school". So if you are looking for something like this for your own child this summer, consider picking one up. There are different ones, each for different grade levels.