What Did You Expect?

My Mother-in-Law purchased tickets to A Christmas Carol for me and Arwen as a Christmas gift. I was incredibly excited, as it's been years since I've seen a play, and couldn't wait to make the trip.

As we walked inside the building, and waited for the doors to open, I saw not one, but two very small infants. Pushing aside what could possibly become a distraction, I took my daughter inside and purchased her a drink that she had to finish prior to taking our seat. All of the ticket holders were told as we entered, "No food or drinks in the auditorium". Yet, when we arrived, we sat next to a women with one of the aforementioned infants. And seated next to her was a child Arwen's age -- gulping down a cup of soda from the concession stand.

Really, I could go into the other things that occurred when the lights went down -- babies crying (and in their defense, with all the loud and unexpected pyrotechnics, I would be squalling too!), children kicking the back of our seat (after being politely asked to stop), food wrappers being opened, cell phones going off -- but I won't. The purpose of this blog isn't to delve into that. Rather, I'd like to address people who feel that my Mother-in-Law's gift (and money) is less important than what they obviously think is their God given right to be assholes.

What is wrong with people? I don't mean to be a downer, but I was flaggerbasted by the adults who brought food and drink into a place they were specifically asked not to. Then to add insult to injury, decided their phone conversations were so damned important they couldn't shut their Motorola off for an hour and a half to spare the rest of us saps a bit of sanity.

Sadly, the bitch within surfaced, and I not only said something to the woman's child who was kicking my seat (who refused to stop after several warnings), but I was also forced to explain to my daughter (within earshot of the child her age and the mother that refused to follow the rules) that some people don't have the sense God gave a cockroach.

It was only after my declarations that the idiots in my vicinity threw away their drinks, chided their heathen children, and allowed my daughter, Mother-in-Law, and me to enjoy the second half of the play in peace. Word to the wise, peeps. You don't want to be called out for being a douche, then don't be a douche! Seriously, what do you expect?

Here are a few pictures. The cast was wonderful enough to pose for pictures and to give autographs. It's a shame they had to perform with cell phones blaring and babies screaming.

Summertime

Summer is here...

And out goes my sanity.

It's cool. I have the hubs on speed dial, 911 programmed into the phone, and a bottle of Valium with my name on them.

I'm going to be visiting blogs today to say hello to everyone (I have missed you greatly) as soon as my children are down for a nap (huzzah!). Then, I'm vegging out on the couch and enjoying the silence while it lasts.

Summertime = the school system's reminder of why you don't mind paying those tax dollars for a quality (or not so much, depending on region) education.

Lice - I hate you!

Ode to Head Lice

It starts as a tingle
And becomes a scratch
Your children start to complain
Then they start to thrash

Oh No, you say
Please god don't do this to me
You pull out the Robi comb
And oh boy guess what you see

Nasty ass critters
Taking shelter in your childrens heads
Now it's time to clean
So you go and strip the beds

Next comes the fun part
Time get the husbands help
Listening to your children scream and yell
As you nit pick their little scalps

But the best is yet to come
Don't get comfortable yet
Three weeks worth of diligence
Ain't exactly a sure bet

Because these disgusting bastards
Don't simply thrive to piss you off
They are a creation that given the opportunity
Will survive a nuclear holocaust

I've nit picked and combed
Barked and bitched
Finally getting my children clear
When my head starts to itch.

Now that my poem is out of the way - I'm not afraid to say it damn it, so why am I hesitating? Bah! Our house has started all out war with head lice. We got rid of the little fuckers and they are back. This time with reinforcements.

When we are back to our normal lives and I'm not running the washer and dryer night and day, I'll be able to blog again.

Dennis Leary

You've got to love AN IDIOT AT HIS BEST.

To summarize, Dennis Leary has published a new book which I confess I have not read (and I also admit I will not be reading) in which he says:

"There is a huge boom in autism right now because inattentive mothers and competitive dads want an explanation for why their dumb-ass kids can't compete academically."

Of course now he is clarifying "what he meant" by that remark and he says he has nothing but respect for families that have autistic children. Hey Dennis, while you're at it, why don't you go out and bash the comedians that have no fucking concept of what the hell they are talking about - as evidenced by a well known one that recently opened his mouth, shoved his foot inside and tried to explain afterward what he meant.

It's not humor if it's not funny - it's just tacky and sad. So is resorting to insulting children by calling them "dumb-asses". Good luck with that best seller brother, I'm sure you don't need the support of the autistic community to make it a winner!

That Does It!!!

All last week I begged, I pleaded, I explained and I even went so far as to show my daughter and sons how to clean up after themselves. I told them repeatedly that if they didn't make the effort to clean after themselves, I was throwing their things directly into the trash.

Today was a long day, full of crying and fussing, arguments and tantrums. Then at nap time they wouldn't go down, waking Annabel. I walked up the stairs and was greeted by the biggest mess the world has ever seen.

And I snapped.

I walked downstairs and grabbed several trash bags and proceeded to Arwen's room where I started grabbing and stuffing anything and everything I found. She asked me what I was doing and I responded, "teaching you a very valuable lesson". She started screaming and yelling so I did what she had coming, I busted that hiney and then returned to my task.

I have emptied her room of every object laying on the floor out of place, including her video games. They are currently sitting in garbage bags. I have decided that we will NOT purchase anymore toys for any of the children. The boys rooms are next as well as the playroom.

Their next shopping excursions over the next couple of months will entail good behavior in exchange for ONE thing. And if they keep making messes I will continue to bag it up. I'm sure the goodwill has plenty of children who would love to take advantage of my children's wastefulness.

Only 10 minutes to Nap Time

With the summer full on here there is one phrase I find myself saying/yelling/screaming over and over again.

"I am only ONE person!"

Each morning starts off pretty good (unless it was another repeat of sleeping on the couch as now Annabel cries for me whenever she wakes at night and smells me). I get up, make drinks, get coffee,and settle down with the kids to attempt to rouse myself. Normally this serene scene lasts a total of 5 minutes, usually less, when it starts.

What is "it" you ask? It is the different commands/requests/demands I hear from this moment in the morning until I put my bundles of sunshine and joy into bed each night. The requests range from the obvious, "Poopie da pottie Mommy!" to the annoying, "more drink please!" But the worst part is when I receive requests from not one, not two, but all of my children followed by crying from the baby who either wants to be held or fed herself.

When they all start up my teeth grit together and my brain struggles to decide which request deserves to be seen to first. Of course bodily functions are a no-brainer but what about changing the TV, making a snack or drink or dragging out a particular toy. And believe me, this goes on all day long. The only time I receive a reprieve is when they all settle in to take a nap.

Did I mention that nap times are the best part of my day? I live for nap time.

Me V/S Pappaw : 4th of July Smackdown

I can't believe I only remembered this today to share with the blogosphere. But at least I did recall what transpired between myself and my Pappaw aka my Dad's Father on the 4th.

We arrived early, around 11am. The kids immediately ran to the playroom and settled in. Shortly after my cousin arrived with his brood (another 4 children) which meant there were 8 children in all running around wildly. Jimbo and I stayed inside to supervise but after an hour or so I decided to take a walk outside to visit. It figures as soon as I did Vincent would take note and come along with me.

So I get outside and Vincent bounds off the porch to the playset. I'm talking to my Father, Pappaw, Nana (his wife), my cousin and my new uncle (by marriage). All is right with the world until I hear Vincent's cry. I know the cry very well, it's his "pain" cry. I turn to see he's hit his head on the corner of the wooden stairs. Obviously it hurts.

"Come here Vince." I soothe and reach out to him. He limps over to me as he also tripped after hitting his head and hit his shin.

"Momma," he whimpers as he walks into my arms.

As I'm comforting my child Pappaw says:

"Tell that boy to suck it up."

I look up slowly, hoping he is joking but the look in his eyes tell me he is most definitely not.

"What? Suck it up? Are you kidding?" I say.

"He's a boy, he needs to suck it up and shake it off." He stares at Vincent with the oddest expression and I feel that Lioness roar up inside me.

"Well you know what?" I say back hotly. "He doesn't have to suck up shit and do you know why? Because I'm his Momma and I will suck it up for him!"

We stare for a moment before I stand up with Vincent in my arms and go back inside. Once there I hurry to Jimbo to bitch and rant. I'm so furious I'm shaking. How dare this old fart tell my 3 year old to suck it up? He's just a kid! Jimbo is shocked and when I tell my Mom she is livid. I spend the rest of the day avoiding Pappaw until he's about to leave. As if he knows I'm still angry he hugs me and tries to make small talk. I'm polite as he is my Grandfather but I'm still angry. He leaves and sadly I know deep down my opinion of him has changed, quite possibly forever.

Want to know the incredibly funny part of all of this? My Grandfather and Grandmother left my Dad and his siblings when they were just little babies (my children's ages). They were raised by my Mammaw instead, I still remember the grief my Dad experienced when she passed. It's the only time I've ever seen him cry. So forgive me if I don't take parenting instructions from someone who never had it in him to parent.

Things that Piss off your Wife

Throwing clean laundry from the dryer onto the couch and leaving it as a parting gift the next morning.

Other side of the Fence

Today the AC repairman came out to replace our system. I'd promised when he arrived I'd take the kids to pick a DVD at the store to keep them out of everyone's hair. We packed up and drove to the local Hollywood Video.

I was nervous as this was the first time at this particular store with all the children. Arwen and Logan held hands as I held on to Vincents and balanced Annabel's car seat in the crook of my other arm. We went inside and walked to the children's section.

I had to reprimand Logan a few times for running off but for the most part it went very smoothly. When we'd made our selections we took them to the counter. I was thinking to myself that it looked like I'd survive this trip unscathed. Of course it was around this time my 3 year old decided to bitch slap me back down to reality.

I was paying when Vincent saw the gumball machine. I walked around the edge of the counter and told him I didn't have any quarters and it was time to go. Arwen pulled out a dime to try in the machine and I explained it wouldn't work. Meanwhile this pisses Vincent off even more as he wants a gumball and Arwen is touching the machine (he's having sharing issues now, with everyone but Annabel).

This resulted in a full scale meltdown. He began thrashing and screaming (just like last time) and I stood mortified. I told Arwen to take Logan's hand, it was time to go. As I grabbed Vincent he decided to use his dead weight trick on me and dropped to the ground. His screams echoed through out the store and I felt myself getting hot from embarrassment.

Then suddenly I'd had enough. I sat Annabel down and handed Arwen the bag with the videos inside. I instructed her to grab onto Logan's hand because we were leaving. I walked over to Vincent, wrapped my right arm around his waist, and hoisted all 40 pounds of him up. As I walked around the wooden security posts Vincent grabbed them with his arms and began kicking and screaming. He kicked Arwen in the face and she began to cry. I made sure she was ok before telling her we had to get to the van. She wiped her tears and walked over to Logan and took his hand once more.

I turned to the video clerk and asked if he had a video camera handy. He laughed and said no and I said it was a shame because he had the opportunity to shoot the most influential birth control video the world has ever seen.

After pulling on him Vincent lost his grip on the posts. I hurried over to Annabel who was waiting patiently (god love her) and I picked up all 25+ pounds of her and carseat and began walking to the door. (This is harder than when I normally carry her because I was forced to hold her with my hand and arm only, instead of resting in the crook of my arm, it's very difficult to carry her and even more difficult to carry her for more than a minute) Arwen opened the door while also keeping a hold on Logan and I walked out. I carried Vincent to the van before putting him down. By this point he'd calmed and had stopped screaming and fortunately the short walk from the store to my van had cooled me off as well.

I guess this is karma's way of biting me in the ass for all those times I've seen wild children in public and thought to myself, "why does that parent let that child act that way??". If any of those parents felt like I did today then believe me, they were absolutely mortified. I couldn't get out of that store fast enough and if I weren't surrounded by patrons I'd have loved nothing more than to bust Vincent's tiny hiney.

I don't know what I'm going to do with him. He can be the sweetest boy in the world and he's so nurturing and loving with Annabel. But he's also capable of being so angry and loud when he's frustrated. It's impossible to calm him during one of his breakdowns.

One things for certain. I won't be returning to the video store again when he's with me. I don't want to be known as the woman who's kid goes apeshit in the store over gumballs.

Almost forgot. I've been keeping tabs on scoreboard but haven't posted it. So to update:

Summer Scoreboard:

Mom=10
Kids=8

Break my Neck

I'm so thankful that Annabel was napping and not in my arms when this happened. I've complained about the set of stairs in our home more than once. Besides the fact they are terrible on my knees they are also very steep and potentially very dangerous. I travel up and down them several times each day as our bedrooms are located all the way at the top and the playroom is located all the way at the bottom of them. I'd say I go up and down each set at least two dozen times a day.

Annabel had just fallen asleep and I laid her on the pallet before heading on up to check on the kiddos. I'd been listening to them on the radio and figured they'd be done with lunch (they had a mini picnic in Arwen's room while watching her play Zelda). When I got up there I noticed Jelly on the sheets so I pulled them off to put into the wash.

I'm not sure what I tripped on or if I slipped. One minute I was walking down, the next I was flying. I felt my hip hit around the same time the side of my head took a thump. I kind of tumbled the rest of the way down. After I'd cleared the stars from my eyes I sat still, my hip and head aching. I stood slowly and moved around. Thank god nothing appears broken and all I have to show for the fall is a knot on the side of my head and a slight limp.

Clumsy people and stairs are NOT a good combination. I hope I can manage to stay alive until we can move.

I'm not crazy, I swear

The Cook's pest control people must thing I'm a crazy woman. First I was busted dancing around and singing practically naked and now I've been observed yelling at the top of my lungs at my well behaved angels.

Here's how it went down. I had meat from Friday in the fridge that had to be stored today. I brought everyone to the middle floor, placed Annabel in her baby seat and got to cleaning and packing. This is a process that usually only takes 20 minutes or so, depending on what I have to freeze. Today it was just pork and chicken...no big deal.

So as I was washing the pork the kids started. First it was running around the circle the middle floor creates. Then it was yelling at each other, then it was tag. I know from past experience this will lead to injury.

"Please stop running!" I yelled out and continued putting the pork chops away.

By the time I'd finished the first bag I'd requested nicely that they stop 4-5 times. I cleaned my hands and intercepted them midrun. I got down on their level and asked again before returning to finish up the pork. When I was done I started on the chicken.

Now, I hate cleaning chicken to freeze. It stinks and I'm terrified of raw chicken contamination. So I don't like to be pulled away with my nasty hands to tend to my little heathens. Of course they went buck wild during this time so I did what any respectful and well meaning Mother does. I yelled and I yelled and yelled some more.

"STOP RUNNING PLEASE! STOP RIGHT NOW!"

Finally I realized the chicken would have to wait. I washed my hands clean and as I was wiping them off I yelled a warning;

"Here I come, you're about to get busted!"

I rounded the corner when I saw him. On the back porch, well within earshot to my yells was the pest control man.

I noticed after the last fiasco a new man was dispatched to take care of all our insect needs. I wonder if this one will request reassignment to.

I just love my children, thanks guys.

Ouch

These gas prices BLOW. It is over $60 to fill the tank of our Camry. YIKES!!!

Gone

I'm sure you all know of one. A person who has no interest in you until their own life goes down the toilet, a crisis erupts, a heart is broken, or some other negative thing has happened in their life. Then suddenly they show up, giving the pity party, expecting you to embrace them and offer up yourself because suddenly you are "worthy".

So don't be surprised when you look around one day and I'm gone.

What's it's Like

I'm pulling a mattress down into the basement since the AC is on the blitz again. I'm at the bottom of the stairs tugging when:

Arwen - "Mom,when are you going to hook up my video game, you said you would!"

Me - "Gee Arwen, let me get right on that!"

I'm helping Logan wipe after using the potty, when:

Vincent - "Momma! Come here Momma!"

Me - "I'm busing wiping a butt at the moment, give me a minute!"

I'm getting drinks together when:

Logan - "Mommie, want chips!"

Me - "I'm getting your drink right now, one thing at a time!"

I'm feeding Annabel when:

Logan - "Poopie Potty Mommie!"

Me - "Ok I'm coming!"

I'm typing this entry when:

Arwen - "Momma, Vincent is writing on the walls!"

Me - "WHERE?!?"

Yep, today definitely goes to the kids. Hands down. I'm under manned here..

Summer Scoreboard:

Kids=4
Mom=4

Virus

I'm currently writing this from the kids computer because my own PC has a HUGE virus. I was so excited about the new book in the Twilight series, moreso the first chapter from the book due in August, Breaking Dawn. I'd already ordered the book from Amazon.com but since I'm impaitent did a google search to try and locate the chapter.

I found it but it also appears I found something else, A BIG FAT TROJAN. Warning to anyone looking online for the first chapter, beware. My hard drive has pretty much crashed and burned. So be careful.

It's what I get for being impatient. Lesson learned.

Well Excuuuuse Me!

I needed my nail brush from the bathroom. I walked up the stairs and to the door.

"I'm in here!" Jimbo bellowed from the other side.

"Oh, can you please hand me my nail brush?"

"Can't you wait?" he yells back. I hear the rustling of a magazine which means he's enjoying leisurely bathroom time.

"Not really," I say back. "You could be in there a while." I know from experience his leisurely bathroom breaks last as long as whatever he is reading does.

"Damn it, can't someone take a shit in peace?" he starts yelling. I hear him rustle the magazine again.

"Look, I won't look for god's sake, just hand..."

The door opens and he throws it out the door and slams it back into place. The brush skids across the floor to rest at my feet.

"Thanks babe," I bend down to pick it up. "I'm so glad I didn't marry an asshole."

"I'm not being an asshole, there is nothing worse than pinching out a load and being interrupted!"

Excuse the hell out of me. It's not like I would know ANYTHING about visiting the bathroom in private. You know, since I've had an expanding viewing audience since 2002.

Hard to Relate

It's hard to relate to you.

I don't get an allotment of money each and every month from my boyfriend's parents to pay my bills. Instead my husband works hard and brings home a certain amount of money each month and that is all we have to get by.

I can't drive a brand new Lincoln Navigator. We can't afford the price tag and certainly cannot afford the costs of gas. 12 miles to the gallon is absolutely ridiculous and no matter how you try to spin it, you do not "have" to have that vehicle which is one of the reasons gas continues to be sparse.

I can't go out of town each month (or several times each month). We simply don't have the money and honestly it's not something we'd force upon our children. We have schedules and school to be concerned about.

I can't go out to eat or go out to shoot pool each weekend. We have our children most of the time and again our budget won't allow for it.

When I talk to you and you tell me you know how "tight" money is and how "hard" it is to save I inwardly laugh to myself because you have no clue. None. You have no idea what it means to do without.

My family is taking our first mini-trip/vacation together at the end of the month. We'd hoped to see Disney but that will have to wait. We realize of course we are lucky to just have this trip so we are grateful. So when I told you about this and you invited yourself and your family and I sat in silence what I really wanted to tell you is this...

NO.

No, you are not coming with us.

You see, we've had to truly sacrifice and work toward this trip. We, unlike yourself, cannot just up and go whenever the whim strikes. We have things like work, school and unfortunately money to work into the equation. And while you say you understand how tight money is the mere fact that you ask to go on this trip only 3 weeks ahead of time attests to the truth that you quite honestly have no idea. None at all.

It's so hard to relate to you. For your sake I hope you never have to relate to me, especially if you think you have it bad now.

Migraine Hell

I've had a migraine since the moment I opened my eyes this morning. I tried to 'work' it off by moving about but it continued to increase in severity until I finally took some medicine and hit the bed the minute Jimbo walked in the door.

I woke up maybe an hour ago and it's still here. GRRR. I hate headaches and migraines even more. There is nothing that can ruin a perfectly great day like one.

I had to miss my Neuro appointment last week when I ran over the dog. I can't wait to get back in to see her.

Weight Loss Secret

You all want to know how I manage to keep the weight off? In fact, I'm slimmer now than my senior year in high school and it's all thanks to my children.

Each time I prepare anything to eat for myself, be it veggies and dip, reheats, breakfast, lunch or dinner, my children always want some.

Today I chopped up some cauliflower and made a side of dip. It was 3:00 and I hadn't eaten all day long. I sit in my chair and take a bite, my mouth sighs in delight when I hear my oldest child walk into the room. Even though she just finished off a two scoop bowl of ice cream, I know two things immediately. One, she knows I have food and two, she will come up to me acting like she wishes to chat in an effort to get my food.

"Hey Mommy, I love you."

"I love you too," I say and eat another piece.

"Oh you have cauliflower, can I try some?" She reaches over and grabs a chunk. I don't say anything because I know what's going to happen and sure enough, she begins to quickly eat down my food. By the time she is done she's eaten over 3/4 of it all and I'm left hungry and the cauliflower is all gone.

I haven't had an uninterrupted meal or snack with the exception of the nights they are at Mimi's in years. So there is my diet secret. My children are slowly starving to me to death.

Drives me Crazy

Riiiinngggggg...Rinnnnngggggg...RIIIIINNGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

"Damn it!" I growl as I climb out of the bed. I walk to the stairs and hear Jimbo grab the phone.

"Uhh, I think you just woke her up...yeah here she is..."

I round the corner and give Jimbo the evil eye, "Hello?" I ask.

"Hay! It's Mom, I'm at Wal-Mart, what was those chips you said Logan liked?"

Count to ten, I say to myself before answering, "He likes the pringles in the mini bags."

"Mom," I hear her say, "he likes the pringles. Ok, where are they?"

"Toward the end, on the left side." I sit down and hope to get off the phone.

"Cheetos, Doritoes, Pretzels..." she prattles on each bag she sees while keeping me on the phone.

"I'll call you back!" she tells me and I gratefully hang up the phone. I hurry upstairs to the restroom. I sit upon the throne, ready to do my business.

Riiiiinngggg...Riiinnnngggg...RIIIINNGGG!!!!

By this point I'm cursing.

"HELLO!?"

"Hay! Ok, I'm at the end of the aisle...little mini bags you said, I see a bag of other..." I begin my countdown to 10 again. Keep it together I tell myself. It's too early to blow your top.

"I'll call you back," she says again.

I hang up and wait for it. Fool me once and all of that. Good thing because within two minutes the phone starts talking again.

"Helloooooooooooo," I answer.

"We found them! Ok what was that other thing you said you needed to get, while I'm here?"

"That's all," the words rush out. "I have to go to the store tomorrow anyway."

"Are you sure?" she starts rustling through something at the store and it echo's through her phone mic.

"Positive." I say.

"Ok, we'll be there soon." She hangs up.

Great. Nothing better than unexpected visitors. And nothing better than unexpected visitors that call you and wake you on Sunday morning, your only day to sleep in.

Thanks Mom.