Before my Eyes

She still cries to communicate, requires breastfeeding to keep her full, wakes up several times a night to eat and cuddle, fits perfectly in my arms, and smells heavenly.

But she also is crawling, reaching, laughing, saying Mama and Dada. She has recently cut her top two teeth meaning she now has four teeth all together.

I know she is still a baby so why does my heart start to ache as if she's already grown? Is it natural to feel this way? I know people say they would keep their children babies forever if they could so it isn't just me...is it?

One thing is for certain, whether I'm prepared or not, hopefully she will continue on course as she grows first into a little girl and then into a young woman. Time passes by quickly but I'm sure my children will always be my babies. No matter how big they grow.

But it's not all bad. Last week Vincent started calling me "Momma" instead of "Mommie" and for some reason it just makes me melt. Some changes are good, I just have to find ways to embrace them.

Butt Sniff

The diaper butt sniff...so redneck...but so reliable...

Sorry I just had to share.

Don't tell me what I Want

I've been having a difficult time as of late with my decision to have a tubal ligation. I knew when I signed the paper that it was the 'smart' thing to do at the time. My body was ravaged, I was sick, we already had 4 children and I was 30 years old. I counted my blessings and made the logical choice.

But I regret it. On days like today when I look at Annabel and it strikes me, "this is my last baby" and "no more pregnancy" for me and it's hard. I start to feel resentment. I get angry at my body for being too weak, angry at my husband for being a coward and forcing my body to be the one that can no longer produce children.

And the worst part is when I try to tell family and friends of this strange grief I always get the same response.

"You don't need anymore children! You already got 4!"

or

"Honey, you need time for YOU. You need to get out of that house, away from them kids."

And instead of taking it in a positive way I start to fester. Because that isn't what I want.

Maybe this is normal. I keep waiting to come to terms with my sterility. Just chalk it up to another issue that compounds my daily life. It's not easy being a woman, or a Mother, or a person stuck in the middle of the two.

Baby girl born with 2 faces

I'm not posting a picture but rather a direct link to the story and to pictures HERE. I don't want to possibly upset anyone.

A little girl was born in India with two faces and is being worshipped as a reincarnated god. I'm not sure yet if she has one set of organs, one esophagus, or what problems she might face. I just find it a relief that she is being loved but at the same time concerned for her future.

I know things like this probably happen more often than we hear about but it's nonetheless amazing when it does hit the news.

**edited to add. I find all babies beautiful, irregardless of physical differences. However, when Jimbo came in to see the story as I pulled it up he quickly said, "Oh my GOD! I don't want to see that!" and rushed out. So proceed with caution if you even think it might bother you.

Willow Baby

As I've mentioned before, I love old 80's VHS tapes and I play one each night as I climb into bed. More often than not I fall directly asleep but last night I tossed and turned so I got the chance to see most of the movie Willow.

I'd forgotten just how beautiful the baby twins used in the movie are. They have the sweetest expressions and steal the show each time they pop on the screen.

Does anyone else remember them?

First Tooth!!

It's a big day here in the S house!! Miss Annabel is beginning to cut her very first tooth!! It's on the lower right side. You can't see it well enough to take a camera shot but it's there, you can feel it.

Moments likes these are so bittersweet, I know from here on in she's going to grow faster than I realize.

**again, I'm having issues with blogger, it will not load up pictures. Is anyone else having this same problem?

Baby Justice

My sister sent this photo and it breaks my heart. She's doing much better and hopefully will return home today if her fever doesn't return.

Another sick news story

I've been loosely following THIS story. It is just too much for me at times to even think about. I hope the baby didn't suffer but I'm sure she did. Being cooked in a microwave and dying hours later cannot be pleasant.

This is the reason I stay at home. This is why I've never had anyone babysit that wasn't my own Mother, Sister, or Mother in law (or Aunt on a few occassions). I fear too much for my children. The world isn't the place it used to be. You cannot even trust Mothers with their own children anymore.

I hope this woman burns. I think we are too lax on people that commit crimes such as these. Things like this occur too often, to too many children. Now don't misunderstand me. I realize that in some circumstances women are mentally ill. For them I feel sorrow but I can't impart total blame. If you've ever read Are you Home Alone about Andrea Yates you'll see what I mean. Sometimes people don't heed the warning signs and in those situations I blame the support system *cough*her husband*cough.

The more I see things like this the more I really am considering adoption in the future. I know my children drive me batty from time to time but they also fill me with more gratification than any well paying job ever could. Just knowing I could take a child from a potentially dangerous environment, show him or her endless love and devotion. That I could become a Mother to a child that desperately needs it. How can I not consider taking that step?

In the meantime, there are more children than my loving arms could ever take in and that breaks my heart. Children are so innocent, how can a person harm one. I just don't understand and I'm glad I don't.

(note, the picture above was taken from HERE. The image really touched me. It is Children adopted with mental illness caused by the time they spent in the orphanageYedioth Achronot 2006)

6 Months Old

And she keeps getting cuter and sweeter. When my days are crap and I'm about to go insane she smiles at me and suddenly everything is ok.

Baby Girl

She is here and she is TINY. 6lbs 6oz and 18 inches long. She was born literally as I blogged about her. No wonder Hailey was in so much pain! She came quickly and is resting comfortably with her Mommy.

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Here are the pictures as promised. There is still debate on her name but I'll post that up when I know for sure.

Waiting on Baby

The day is here. My sister is in the hospital set to deliver my brand new niece or nephew.

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I'm so excited but equally worried. She went into the hospital last night to be induced and this morning she is thinned out but not dialted. I hope once they get her labor started she will go quickly but I've been told she is already in a great deal of pain.

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I'm very concerned because I just spoke with my Mom and they already gave her an epidural. She is only dialated 1-2. From my understanding, getting an epi that soon, without strong labor and dialation, can result in a c-section. I hope this isn't the case.

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I'll blog more later when I know something.