Another Day, Another Appointment

I went to the Neuro yesterday - there is a LOT going on with my head and neck. The last few weeks it's gotten so bad I barely sleep or function anymore. This time around I was placed on a steroid regimen, a daily muscle relaxer (I do not like these things at ALL) and pain medication (as needed only). They are giving it two weeks and if it doesn't work, I have the go ahead for the nerve block (I would prefer to try this but she keeps putting it off).

Which brings me to the TMI session of my blog. Please stop here if discussion of a sexual nature embarrasses you...

Okay so who's heard of a Coital Headache? I didn't know such a thing existed...until I thought my head was bursting because of an brain anuerism following a make-out session with the hubs. I brought up my little problem with my doctor (blushing profusely all the while) and found out about these little gems. Talk about a literal "I can't honey, I'll get a headache". Sheesh!

Sinus / Allergy?

As you know I've been struggling with this strange cold the last few weeks. It started out with just sneezing, no big deal other than a mild annoyance. But as time passed I started to feel tired, fatigued and just plain off. The only symptoms I have is the sneezing and a constant headache. After talking to my Mom I think it might be allergy related so I wanted to ask...

Do any of you know if allergies or sinus problems can cause you to feel just plain tired and crappy? I thought all it did was cause you to sneeze a lot. If so, what are my options really? I can't have antihistamines because of Annabel. Do I just have to grin and bear it?

I also should mention tomorrow I'm heading in to see the Neurologist who has decided to try me on a TENS machine. We'll see how it works.

Check Up & Shake Up

Today was Annabel's check up and routine vaccinations. She did very well and the doctor said everything was perfect. He commented on her food allergy and said to continue nursing as long as we can, he also said if things persist he will want to do some testing.

We came home and I wasn't feeling well so I laid on the floor and passed out with the baby while the other children napped. When I woke I still wasn't feeling well so I went back to bed. I woke to the phone ringing at 8:30. It was the doctor calling for Mom and I was worried so after we got everyone settled I called to check on her.

Today she was rushed for testing when she had severe chest pain. They did several things and a few of them came back "bad". She was sent for a few more things and finally was told everything was ok that it was induced by stress.

When I found this out my heart sank and I fought back panic. I adore this woman, she is my best friend, my rock. She brings out the best in me and I realized today I can't even imagine my life without her and even more so, I don't want to.

Randomness and Pathology

First - benign! Thank the lord. The nodule was a mixture of muscle and fatty tissue but nothing bad.

Second - talked to someone else from the school. It appears that while they are not at capacity they did lose a classroom (budget cuts?) and therefore only have 1 room this year for 1st grade. This makes TONS more sense as to why Arwen wasn't invited this year. Why the Principal couldn't simply convey this to me I'll never understand.

Third - commenting on friends blogs. I've had issues before with blogger. First it was loading pictures up and now I'm having problems commenting. I'll post it up, hit publish and the computer will just sit there. It's beyond frustrating. So to everyone, I'm visiting and trying to comment. Hopefully it will resolve as the picture thing did.

Tomorrow is my first day holding the fort alone. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm looking forward to it. I hate being bed bound, it drives me insane. It will also give me more time to catch up on everyone and to read up on the news I've missed.

Drama amidst Recovery

My neck hurts but not too bad. Medicine is keeping it under control. The doctor says the lump appears to be a tumor that formed on the muscle in my neck but he doesn't think it's serious. It was sent off for pathology and I'll know for certain in 7-10 days.

There is some current drama (good lord) from my Mom. I'll blog more about that when I can think clearly. Suffice to say, it's more of the same from her and it's worn me thin.

Thank you for all the well wishes!! ***HUGS***

It's a Go

Tomorrow I'm having the surgery.

I'm nervous and anxious but hopeful it will be quick and I'll be back in my own bed before noon tomorrow.

Wish me luck, hopefully I'll be back to blogging within a day or so.

Another Day

I went to the Neuro and was given these new Lidoderm patches for my neck. They are to be worn 12 hours on and 12 off, she said it numbs the area, so here's hoping. She's scheduling a MRI for me before she'll give the go ahead for the neck blocks. So I have to wait (and it sucks!)

I hope I get most of this taken care of soon. The H.Pylori is more noticeable and Annabel continues to refuse solids so it's a constant struggle. I need to be on other medications and I just can't be until she's ready. Hopefully I'll find something more than bananas that please her picky palate.

The boys wanted to create with Play Doh so of course I made another rose, (see above). I looked all over at my pictures trying to find the cat I'd created long ago but no luck so far. When I finally come across it again I'll share the picture with you.

♥ I hope you all have a wonderful Mother's Day weekend! ♥

5-20-08

That is the date of my surgery/biopsy. I've been told it will not interfere with my family trip and that recovery should be pretty swift.

Any prayers are appreciated.

Caving In

The stress has become too much. Tonight after much research and soul searching I have decided to contact my Doctor tomorrow to be placed back on an antidepressant (Zoloft = heartburn for me so it will have to be Paxil which is safe while nursing). This also means I will be placed temporarily on something to alleviate this extreme anxiety (which will also be safe while nursing) which has taken such a strong hold on me.

The truth is, I can't take the stress with my health anymore, and I'm sure being off my medication has only added to the strain I'm experiencing. I'd hoped to be able to wait until Annabel weaned but as she still refuses solids or anything other than the breast I have to do this. She is older now and the amounts she'll get are very slim to none, so that is reassuring.

I've also spoken to Jimbo and Mom (Jim's Mom) and I am going to schedule my biopsy asap tomorrow (thanks Katherine). I hope this will prove to be nothing and if anything my mind will finally be at ease.

I'm seeing my Neurologist and giving the go ahead as well for the nerve blocks on each side of my neck Friday. I'm nervous but excited too. Anything to remove these migraines from my life is a plus.

Thanks everyone for your support, comments and just bearing with me as I rant. I know I've been angry and ventful recently but it's been due to these circumstances beyond my control. I hate feeling as if my life isn't being decided by me. Hopefully that is all about to change.

I'll keep you updated.

Migraine Hell

I've had a migraine since the moment I opened my eyes this morning. I tried to 'work' it off by moving about but it continued to increase in severity until I finally took some medicine and hit the bed the minute Jimbo walked in the door.

I woke up maybe an hour ago and it's still here. GRRR. I hate headaches and migraines even more. There is nothing that can ruin a perfectly great day like one.

I had to miss my Neuro appointment last week when I ran over the dog. I can't wait to get back in to see her.

Busted my Ass

Ouch.

I think I've broken my bootie bone. Last night while climbing over one of many child gates in our home my leg got caught. I tried to retain my balance but couldn't which ended in the gate breaking from it's hinge and since it broke it caused my leg to stay caught. I flew upwards and had no way to brace for the fall. So I landed directly on my tailbone.

I'm going to be walking little old lady style at the local Hell-Mart today.

Weight Loss Secret

You all want to know how I manage to keep the weight off? In fact, I'm slimmer now than my senior year in high school and it's all thanks to my children.

Each time I prepare anything to eat for myself, be it veggies and dip, reheats, breakfast, lunch or dinner, my children always want some.

Today I chopped up some cauliflower and made a side of dip. It was 3:00 and I hadn't eaten all day long. I sit in my chair and take a bite, my mouth sighs in delight when I hear my oldest child walk into the room. Even though she just finished off a two scoop bowl of ice cream, I know two things immediately. One, she knows I have food and two, she will come up to me acting like she wishes to chat in an effort to get my food.

"Hey Mommy, I love you."

"I love you too," I say and eat another piece.

"Oh you have cauliflower, can I try some?" She reaches over and grabs a chunk. I don't say anything because I know what's going to happen and sure enough, she begins to quickly eat down my food. By the time she is done she's eaten over 3/4 of it all and I'm left hungry and the cauliflower is all gone.

I haven't had an uninterrupted meal or snack with the exception of the nights they are at Mimi's in years. So there is my diet secret. My children are slowly starving to me to death.

Verdict

When I got to the doctor this morning I felt something hard next to Annabel's leg in the car seat. When I pulled her out to see what it was. It was none other than our cordless telephone that I'd placed in her lap to set on the charger.

That should be an indication of how great my day is going.

I have the shingles. The doctor didn't have to look at me long to give the diagnosis. Too bad for me my doctor is tired of dealing with the nursing v/s medications game. I got a shot of steroids, some samples to rid myself of this mess and nothing else. I was somewhat shocked because it's painful and I'd been told by everyone not to fret, he would give me something for the pain. When I asked why I wasn't receiving anything I was pretty much told he gives a shot of Toradol for pain and that as I'm nursing I can't get it. I'm guessing here that a prescription to tide me over for a couple of days is too much to ask.

I'm so over this Doctor. He's always kind of rubbed me the wrong way but today was the final straw. I realize physicians have drug seekers coming in all the time but how many of them have an active case of shingles to make their case?

This makes me wonder what it will take for this man to have some compassion. In any event, I'm on the mend but the burning, itching, stinging and throbbing pain isn't going away anytime soon.

It could be worse.

Shingles

Remember that little welt I'd mentioned I'd found in the hairline at my neck a week ago? Well it's been annoying as all hell to me. Then yesterday I noticed the muscle running from my hairline down to my neck (running downward from this welt) has been incredibly sore. So much so I started to favor it and wouldn't turn my head.

Today when I got up the pain had stretched even further down and my neck alternated between feeling warm and hot to itchy and painful. I immediately called my Mom, then my Mother in Law (who is a nurse). They asked me if I'd been under a lot of stress recently and when I said yes they were both pretty sure...

I have the fucking SHINGLES.

Why? Why can I not get a freaking break man? I'm in agony as I type this because I don't know what's going to happen. Annabel will not take baby foods or juice, she only wants the breast and this will mean I have to take some sort of medications (if it is in fact shingles).

I'm beginning to feel this is a test on my sanity. I've made this statement before and I'm sorry I can't find a better one but I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's bad enough this is physically and emotionally hard for me but Annabel is so allergic to foods that I can't offer her anything more than a bite at a time of stuff (she is terribly allergic to dairy, one bite of potatoes had her blistered up and her face swollen) and I'm absolutely horrified about taking her off the breast.

It's as if god parted the clouds and said, "Jaime, I hate you."

Don't tell me what I Want

I've been having a difficult time as of late with my decision to have a tubal ligation. I knew when I signed the paper that it was the 'smart' thing to do at the time. My body was ravaged, I was sick, we already had 4 children and I was 30 years old. I counted my blessings and made the logical choice.

But I regret it. On days like today when I look at Annabel and it strikes me, "this is my last baby" and "no more pregnancy" for me and it's hard. I start to feel resentment. I get angry at my body for being too weak, angry at my husband for being a coward and forcing my body to be the one that can no longer produce children.

And the worst part is when I try to tell family and friends of this strange grief I always get the same response.

"You don't need anymore children! You already got 4!"

or

"Honey, you need time for YOU. You need to get out of that house, away from them kids."

And instead of taking it in a positive way I start to fester. Because that isn't what I want.

Maybe this is normal. I keep waiting to come to terms with my sterility. Just chalk it up to another issue that compounds my daily life. It's not easy being a woman, or a Mother, or a person stuck in the middle of the two.

Verdict

The little lump is a node and it has to come out.

After spending an hour to locate the new office (I was so embarrassed, I had to keep calling and asking, "Where are you again?!?) we got there to find out he had no definitive answer. The only way to know for certain is to remove it and send it for pathology (which he recommends). He didn't indicate why but he said he'd like to have that happen in the next 4-6 weeks.

So I'm going to be biting the bullet and undergoing the knife again for the second time in under a year. It's kind of freaky but I know it has to happen. I know it's vain of me but I'm dreading the scar I'll be left with as a souvenir. He said it would be about 3/4 of an inch or so long and judging by how the incisions healed on my belly will not be pretty. I wonder if Mederma would help?

Thank you everyone for your support and kind words. You may not realize it but it gives me so much comfort to read your comments. ♥

Biopsy

The picture above is from Arwen's room. That is the tissue consumption from her since last night. That's one heck of a runny nose!

Today I scheduled my meeting with the surgeon. I've put it off long enough. Last night when I was in bed I felt the little lump in my neck and I think it's gotten bigger. It's so frightening dealing with things like this. I told Jimbo I feel like a car. At first I was all nice and shiny and now I'm slowly falling apart, piece by piece.

I just want to be healthy again but I'm starting to worry that is never going to happen. To make matters worse I finally realized people are right when they mention my weight loss. I was standing in front of the mirror and I noticed I had hella Inner Thigh Clearance. Basically ITC is the measurement of space between the tops of your thighs. Mine used to rub slightly but I noticed yesterday not so much.

So I pulled out an old pair of blue jeans I'd purchased that shrunk and I never wore again. I bought them after a severe bought of postpartum with Logan when I'd lost a large amount of weight but even then they didn't fit after that shrinkage. Well, they fit now.

It's just scary. I hope everything is alright. I've been deluding myself into thinking the weight loss was from the H.Pylori but now I worry it's something more.

Still here

Can't blog long, I'm still very sick and on the mend. I've been running a 102 fever for the last few days, it finally broke this morning.

Jimbo and his Mom had to rotate taking off from work to care for me. I was so ill I couldn't even take care of myself let alone the children. I'm very fortunate to have them to help me. Fortunately, knock on wood, Annabel doesn't seem to have this. She has a slight cold but nothing severe like me. I hope that remains the case.

I'm back off to the bed. I hate being confined to it but I cannot deny I'm still sick and it's the best place for me. Thank you to everyone for your well wishes in the post below. I'll blog when I'm well again.

Just in Time

My Mother in law and Father in law were nice enough to go pick up our couch when it came in this last weekend (since the family had that nasty bug). It appears it was just in time since this is where I'll be parked most of the day.

I was up all night with a clogged nose, sore throat and low grade fever. Today I feel achy and sore, my throat still hurts, I'm running a low grade temp and I just want to sleep.

Too add insult to injury, Annabel is beginning to show signs of having this funk to. So we get to be sick together.

Fantabalous!

Screwed

Wonderful. It appears I've caught the horrible bug that had the family sick for a week solid.

I'm so screwed.