Shhhh! I won't tell if you won't...

Technically, I'm breaking a counselor rule here. I'm not supposed to discuss my Mother or the things going on with her. I'm supposed to journal "privately"...but where is the fun in that??

So...two weeks ago Jimbo and I flew out to Colorado Springs for business. It was a trip for his company, and aside from a plane ticket, it was free. It was the first time we've been alone like this in 5 years (since Logan was born) and we couldn't wait. We arrived ready to relax and immerse ourselves in one another.

Oh, and we were also there for something else - to make a solid decision and time frame on when we would re-involve ourselves with my Mom.

Then it happened...

On the second day of the trip, Tuesday to be exact, we got the call from his Mother who was staying at our home to babysit the children. My Mother got an attorney and were were "served". She's suing us for grandparent visitation.

There is a TON going on right now, as you can probably imagine. She has refused time and time again to give me time to deal with the emotional aspects of what she's done, refused to give me space to find common ground. Instead she's chosen to proceed as she always does - as SHE wants.

It's actually sad but fitting that she chose to do this. Jimbo said she was walking the line and if she tried something like this, he was done with her. While she's my Mother, she put this upon herself. We didn't start this, ask for this, or encourage this - but we will see it to fruition.

We have an attorney and she should have gotten the news by now - we fully intend to fight her in court.

It's a mess, a heartbreaking one, and something that never had to happen.

Garbled

Today went well but was tough.

New ground rules for me have been established, including this one - I can no longer blog about my Mother but have been asked to do so in a private journal.

There are other rules of course, such as working out daily, going to bed at a routine time each night, making a point to spend "quality time" with the children and my husband doing family activities, and most importantly - focusing on the numerous ways to begin removing this taint that has stained my life and slowly drained me of my identity over the last thirty years.

I just wanted to let everyone know I'm okay and I'm hanging in there. I'm just extremely tired - physically and mentally...and emotionally.

You Just Don't Get It

Today I was rushing around the house frantically, attempting to dress myself and Vincent before his appointment with the Urologist. As I'm running from the living room and up the stairs the phone rings.

It's my Father, with another "message" from my Mother.

She's decided out of the blue that she would like to "eat lunch with Arwen today".

I told my Father no, and he became very uncomfortable, explaining my Mother has it "in her head" to see her "Grandbabies" because she just "loves them" and if I don't allow her to see them she is "taking me to court".

I told my Father to inform my Mother to contact an attorney because I already have (well, kinda!) and that I'd be more than happy to see her in court. I then told him if she doesn't piss off I'm going to file the protection order against her crazy ass.

The appointment to meet with the counselor on Saturday CANNOT get here fast enough. Each time the phone rings now my gut clenches and I feel sick. I can't sleep, can't focus, can't relax.

I have to say, this new found clarity in regard to my Mother is unsettling. For the first time in my life I'm actually "seeing" how manipulative (and narcissistic) she is versus making excuses for her behavior or overlooking it.

Seriously, it's not even been three weeks and she can't even honor my request to leave me alone until I've spoken with someone.

Unstable much - Mom?

The longest call...

Today I took life by the balls, calling up the counseling services provided by Jimbo's employer. It was one of the most difficult calls I've ever made, placing myself bare and raw across a phone line to someone I've never met and don't know.

The girl on the other end was very nice, listening attentively and taking down my information. She referred me to someone in my area and I had to make yet another call - this time leaving a message that I realize now was garbled and difficult to understand.

Hopefully the counselor managed to salvage my phone number from within the confines of the rambling message and will call me back to arrange an appointment.

On one hand, it's terrifying. On the other - it's one HELL of a relief.