Thursday, April 2, 2009

You Just Don't Get It

Today I was rushing around the house frantically, attempting to dress myself and Vincent before his appointment with the Urologist. As I'm running from the living room and up the stairs the phone rings.

It's my Father, with another "message" from my Mother.

She's decided out of the blue that she would like to "eat lunch with Arwen today".

I told my Father no, and he became very uncomfortable, explaining my Mother has it "in her head" to see her "Grandbabies" because she just "loves them" and if I don't allow her to see them she is "taking me to court".

I told my Father to inform my Mother to contact an attorney because I already have (well, kinda!) and that I'd be more than happy to see her in court. I then told him if she doesn't piss off I'm going to file the protection order against her crazy ass.

The appointment to meet with the counselor on Saturday CANNOT get here fast enough. Each time the phone rings now my gut clenches and I feel sick. I can't sleep, can't focus, can't relax.

I have to say, this new found clarity in regard to my Mother is unsettling. For the first time in my life I'm actually "seeing" how manipulative (and narcissistic) she is versus making excuses for her behavior or overlooking it.

Seriously, it's not even been three weeks and she can't even honor my request to leave me alone until I've spoken with someone.

Unstable much - Mom?


Tania said...

I hope things die down soon on their own!

Lawfrog said...

I'm glad you are standing up for yourself and I'm glad you are no longer making excuses for her behavior. One of the difficult things about finally realizing that someone is unstable is looking back on all the things you've let them get away with and then feeling badly about that.

I'm here to tell you - DON'T FEEL BADLY about things in the past because you were simply trying to be a good daughter to her despite her being a terrible mother. You now know that you are going to have to take different steps with her given this new found clarity about her problems.

It will not be easy, but you can do it. One thing I would suggest is telling your father that you no longer want to hear anything from your mother through him. I know it will be hard to say that to him, but it's important to let him know that him playing the middle man is not going to work and is a waste of his time and yours.

Hang in there my friend!

Blessed said...


Your dad sounds like my father-in-law--an unwilling accomplice and slave to his wife's unhealthy desires to dominate. Sigh. I agree with "Lawfrog" that taking that step of re-establishing a healthy boundary with your dad and taking him out of the middle is the most loving thing you can do for him. In the short term he will suffer, as your mom takes her rage out on him, but in the long term it should be better, as she realizes that tactic doesn't work anymore and she moves on to something else, setting him free from that terrible role.

Loving our parents (just like loving our kids!) sometimes means not giving them what they say they want. Your mom only thinks she wants the power over you--really, deep down under the psychosis, she wants things to be good with you, but she has the crazy idea that getting her way is what will make it good with you. That good = whatever mama wants. She thinks losing control over you means losing you, and it is so ironic, since her twisted means of "holding on" will only result in driving you away.

Oh course these are just my opinions--your sitation sounds so much like mine that I am projecting some of the things I have learned over the years onto you!

But I found it helpful to realize that my MIL is at heart extremely insecure about herself and her value in the world, and she tries to take control to make herself necessary in our lives, to give herself identity through us--but that means sqelching our identity in the process. Like, she is always--always--showing me what a bad mother I am, which she is clearly doing to somehow "prove" to herself (and everyone in hearing range) what a good mother she is, since she can recognize and point out bad mothering. She has no positive in her own opinion of herself from which to create a self identity, so she creates the identity from my negative--she is whatever I am not, so I must be the bad mother so she can be the good mother. Because she cannot see how we could both be good mothers and do things differently. If I do something differently than she would have done, then it must be wrong--or she thinks that means she must be wrong. And of course she cannot be the wrong one, so she attacks to convince everyone, including herself, how wrong I am and thus how right she is.

Wow, this is long and convoluted! The point I was trying to make is that I realized that it was not about me, but about her own insecurity. And that helped me not take the criticism to heart--when she says mean things, she is just showing her own insecurity, admitting her own weakness--and helped me to even feel pity for her, which helps me to be more patient.

I am telling you this only to encourage you that perspective will come! But now is not the time to feel sympathy for her--you first need to feel ok about your anger! The way she is treating her "loved" ones is not ok, and it is good for you to take a stand and call it what it is, and not enable her anymore.

I may have just failed miserably at being encouraging--this is the first time I have ever shared any of this with someone I don't know and in a blog to boot! So if I have gone about this all wrong, please forgive me--shoot me an email and tell me to keep it to myself. : )

If it does not offend you, I am praying for your own peace of body, mind and spirit as you wait for the time with the counselor. If it does offend you--just tell me.


Kristin said...

I've been thinking about you today & I hope the appointment went well.

I can't even believe she's talking about suing for Grandparent's rights. What a great way to create a loving relationship with grandkids - by forcing them to be without against their parents will. That's just awesome.

I don't know if you've ever been on there, but Baby Center has a dealing with the in-laws and family board. That board has been a sanity saver for me! You should check it out!