Daunting

Every time I force myself to sit down and think about all of the tasks we have to finish I get exhausted. There is so much work to be done (on the house) that I don't know where to start.Then when you figure in 'the' question. The one that asks 'how long will you be living here', that begins to make it even more stressful.

I like our home. It's just wasn't built correctly. If it's not the stairs (14 up to the 2nd floor, 14 down to the basement/family room) it's the tiny kitchen, small bedrooms, or tiny laundry area. As it stands we are contemplating what to do to make our kitchen more functional. I'm guessing we'll start eating in the formal dining room soon and might place a bar near the bay windows with some storage space underneath at some point.

Then there is the exterior of the house. We are due to have that resided and I'm not looking forward to it at all. It's bad enough that it will take alot of time and I'll be surrounded by all of these men I don't know. But then when I think about the costs, yikes! Especially with (again) all the stairs. It's going to take alot of siding.

We also want to:

Redecorate the living room, kitchen, one bathroom and our bedroom.

Put wood flooring on the entire middle floor.

Re carpet the children's bedrooms, or the entire top floor if possible.

So it's going to take alot of time and patience and cash. It's very daunting to say the least. I realize it will be worth it, even if we move. Because the price on the house will rise as the upkeep does. I'm just thinking forward. Our goal is to sell this house eventually, move to another larger ranch style home (if possible) with acreage. Then Arwen and I can finally have the one thing we each want most (my childhood dream). A horse in our own backyard.

The picture above is of our home. I felt kind of weird posting pictures of our house, but this picture gives a general idea (it's a colonial style home) and is spooky to boot. I took this one night during a full moon around halloween. I thought it looked neat.

Acceptance

Right now I'm waging a terrible inner war. The logical side of me is losing out, the pride in me has the slight edge.

So what's the cause of this inner turmoil? Money of course. Money is tight in our house, especially right now. The logical part of me says, "Jaime. You live well. There are people out there struggling far worse than you, living with little to no food, in squalor. There are People who cannot clothe their children or pay the rent."

But then that pride in me says, "why can't you find the extra money to attend the bash? Do you want everyone at your daughter's school to think you don't care? You know people will notice you aren't there. Can you just go and bid on one thing? You really want that class quilt they made. You might not win it but you could try!"

And on the battle continues. I keep telling myself over and over most people who have children in this establishment are in a higher economical class than we. They have very lucrative employment. Most don't struggle with the little things...like money.

I hate feeling like this. Because I do love the simple things. I love my life, my children, my husband and my home. My children live a good life and don't go without. But still I am surrounded by those that remind me that as far as we've come, it still doesn't compare to others. For example. Arwens class has a quilt that is being auctioned. It has each childs' hand on it with a sea motif. I wish I could at least try to win it. But I know to have any shot at winning it, we'd end up having to get a small loan. We're bidding against people that have oodles of money. I won't be shocked to see it go in the thousands of dollars.

This bash thing they are holding, in my opinion, is insulting to some parents who are on a tight budget. They need to send out one flier or invitation and leave it alone. Let people RSVP and then send out all the letters each day with new items for auction, new people to honor and advertising what a "romantic night out" it can be for a couple to share.

Maybe I'm being bitter. I need a dose of real world, to help me see just how stupid this is, how petty. But I am human and it's human to want. Right? I don't know what's worse. Feeling like this or blogging for the world to see how shallow I am right now.