The Final Good-Bye

Jimbo finally told me today we can walk away from Final Fantasy. I'm sad but more happy than anything, I'll take the good memories with me.

Thanks to everyone I met along the way. Gideon, Arn, Tytus, Marvus, it was a blast. And thanks Jamie for all your advice, it really helped a lot.

It's Only a Game

I try not to blog about Final Fantasy too often. I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe it's because I'm uncomfortable with it, even after years of playing. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not embarrassed that I play it's more of I'm uncomfortable having such strong emotions tied directly to something that is meant to be recreational and more importantly, is just a game.

Unfortunately for me, I have to blog about it, as blogging is my outlet to vent and express my anger, hurt and happiness. Recently for me the blogging in regard to it has been more from negative feelings than good and that made me truly question why it is I continue to play at all.

Back when I started, it was strange. A part of me enjoyed playing but another part of me felt so silly telling my friends or family about this other reality. When I'd make plans online and would have to decline offers to go visit or go out I could sense that little 'weirdness' people thought. But over time my family just accepted this as a part of our life and slowly it became less 'odd' so to speak. We played pretty seriously there for quite sometime, only in the past couple of years has our interest and enjoyment waned.

I suppose part of the change for us has been the people. That is the one aspect of MMORPG's I don't think many will ever truly understand unless they immerse themselves into the lifestyle. It's not just something you log into that you turn off as easily as hitting an off switch. The relationships and friendships take on their own life, just like they would if you meet someone in reality. And normally this would be awesome. It's a wonderful thing to meet and make new friends.

But there is a huge flaw, a flaw that makes it impossible to truly ever get to know anyone online. It's what I like to call the "behind the screen fearless persona". For people who have unhappy lives at home, who are depressed, sad, angry or jealous, for people who want to hurt others to build themselves up, online venues are just the right ticket. Here they can be whomever they want to be and no one, other than those they might know in real life, will ever know if it's the 'real' them or not.

Online these kinds of people can be vocal instead of quiet, angry instead of compliant, soft instead of hard or better still, hard instead of soft. They can do and say anything without fear of repercussions. There are no rules, no penalties, no moral codes. There is only you, the computer, the keyboard and the screen. What you choose to do is totally up to you. You decide how this story goes.

These past few months I've been struggling with one person in particular and as you can see from my entry below, it's about to come to heads. This woman who plays online is very manipulative, very cunning and she knows it. She plays a cool game and while I see her exactly for who and what she is, others have the blinds on and either cannot or will not see what is right in front of them. She plays a good game of manipulation. She is an emotional vampire as Lawfrog would say.

She has something to complain about each day. It ranges from her total failure of a husband who never helps her with their children, to having another migraine, to being totally stressed, to 'needing a break'. Yet she is online, each and everyday, for hours on end and she's a stay at home Mom who's youngest child is older than my oldest. I can be as symphathic as the next person but I realized long ago that people don't pay their money to hear my tales of stressful family woe. They don't care about my children, my heartburn or my lazy ass husband.

Still, each day she tells everyone her tragic stories, whether they want to hear it or not, whether you're a complete stranger or someone she actually speaks to. She also loves to play the 'one up' game too. So if you have a story, prepare yourself to be 'one upped' because she has something that was harder, sadder and more difficult than you could ever come to understand.

Her life you see, is pain.

I made the decision to stay clear of her when I found out about her many online 'relationships'. I know many people find love and happiness over the net but when you're a married woman with children it just seems wrong to me to play the field. I never told her this because she made a comment one day comparing her children to my own that put me so totally off I just avoided her completely thereafter. But if you've ever played and shared a linkshell or guild with someone, you know this is easier said than done.

Fast forward months later and now we absolutely hate one another. While I've never personally done anything to her months of not kissing her ass has made her resentful. She's one of those women that takes things one of two ways: You are for or you are against her. There is no middle ground.

I'm struggling with what to do about this. It's obvious I cannot continue to just let it go and hope for the best. There is no reason whatsoever for me to be unhappy doing something that is meant solely for the purposes of entertainment but at the same time I don't fork out our monthly fees to take it up the ass from this psycho bitch either.

I'll sum this person up with one example. There is a thread with members of our linkshell and their pictures. She posted a recent picture with 3 other women in which her hair was in a ponytail, she was blurry and in a very large t-shirt. She looked rather heavy in the picture and posted above it, "I've lost a lot of weight since then."

Then directly below that photo she posted a picture taken from her high school yearbook with her in 70's/80's western wear. She then said that she looked "like the older picture" just her "hair was different". She laughed that "I really need to take a new picture soon".

That alone tells me all I need to know about this person. How can she take responsibility for how badly her life has become or how unhappy she is if she cannot even move out of the past? And more importantly this tells me that nothing I say or do will ultimately mean shit because anything I say will trickle through one ear and flow right out the other. No one is going to make her comfortable in her own skin until SHE is comfortable in her own skin. Her own insecurities are going to be the cause of her inevitable downfall.

So it's only a game, a game with real people on the other side, or at least real people pretending to be 'real' people. Or better still, real people who wish they still looked like old glamour shots photo's.

(LOL The picture above is not of this woman, I suppose I could have been cruel and made it up to impose her character model on top of that high school shot of hers but I'm not that petty. This is just a random google'd shot I came across)

Dear 2 faced B*tch

Dear 2-Face,

I realize that you enjoy the world of MMORPG because it allows you the opportunity to become someone else. In this fantasy world you are not homely, your have men who think you are sweet and attractive and you consider yourself a "good" person. I'm glad the games you play behind a computer screen build you up so.

But have you considered your real life is shit because you play so much? That husband that treats you like shit that you complain about, maybe he treats you like that because you sit on your ass all day playing online and he knows as well as you know this is as good as it gets? Could it be that you realize your options are few and far and so you simply settle for what you get instead of getting a fucking clue and moving forward in your real life?

People like you make me physically ill. While I try not to judge others, for you, I'll make an exception. When you cross that fine line between starting shit with other people to make your life seem better and acting like the poor innocent victim, you hit my shit list and boy is your name right up on the top.

So to you I say this. I won't be playing FFXI forever. Soon my husband will feel tired of the drama and will want to leave. And when he does, all of these things no one will tell you but you so desperately need to hear I will impart.

So wait for it, it's coming. But bring some kleenex because a cleansing has begun.

Sincerely,

Gonna Ream it down your Throat

Strange Love

There is one aspect of MMORPG's (Massive Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Games aka Final Fantasy or World of Warcraft) I never expected. In game relationships. I'm talking in game "romantic" relationships.

I'm not bashing or even condemning the people that choose to enter such relationships. I just personally have a hard time grasping it. Maybe it's a weird double standard for me.

Take my friendship with Ty. He and I met a very long time ago, after I'd first started playing. He, myself and Jimbo are so close we speak frequently on the phone. We talk about everything and plan to meet up soon (hopefully! we've been saying this for years) I consider him my best friend and tell him things my own family doesn't know about me. I don't consider this 'strange' at all.

I've also wondered about the 'dynamics' of it. Does it work the same as any other relationship, the only difference being you don't have the physical aspect? How does it work for the people that are married in real life? I've known of one guy who moved in with his older in game girlfriend, her children and her HUSBAND. I still can't figure that one out.

I've actually known people who have meet online, got into a relationship, met in person and eventually married. I can't tell you how the relationship is or what not because they turned out to be extremely bizarre and Jimbo, Tytus and myself stopped speaking to them.

Maybe strange love is only good for strange people? Jamie, help me out, I know WoW is the same.

Deal?

Jimbo likes Final Fantasy online. Jimbo isn't ready to quit playing Final Fantasy online just yet.

Jaime likes ballroom and wants to take dance class, Jimbo hates dance class.

Jaime + Jimbo + Happy = Compromise

I've promised to give Final Fantasy one more month with my husband. If I continue this month to feel the way I do, we are leaving.

And I'll still get to dance.

Sounds fair to me!

Countdown

I got suckered into playing out the rest of the month for Final Fantasy. Jimbo says if I'm paying for it, might as well use it. So I'm online today doing a group thing.

15 days and counting.

Farewell, Old Friends

4 years ago, Logan told me about this game he wanted for his birthday. The title was familiar, Final Fantasy, but the format was not. He told me he wanted to get a game that allowed people to play online together. The purpose was to meet and do things with people from around the world. Even language wouldn't be a barrier because of an auto-translate function.

He got that game for his birthday. I remember the first night he chose his character model, decided what job he wanted to start out on and his home country. It was all rather confusing to me but after a week of watching I decided I wanted to give it a try too and soon after I purchased the game for my computer.

Thus began my experience with Final Fantasy XI. As with anything there were great things and terrible ones. I met some of the absolute worst of people but also met some of the best friends you could imagine. I've shed tears over this game, have gotten heated over this game and I've had some of the most wonderful moments of my life on this game.

It's been a struggle on when to walk away. All good things must come to an end and this is no different. For a couple of months Jim and I did leave. I was ill with the pregnancy and we canceled our content ID's. A friend managed to lure us back and against our better wisdom, we started to play again. It didn't talk long for things to happen and we were right back where we left off.

But in the weeks past, I've been thinking over hanging up my hat in the world of Vana'diel. I don't love to play as I once did and haven't for a very long time. The friends I returned for have left themselves and the friend who lured us back has different wants/desires and playtimes meaning we don't get to see or talk to him that often.

So I've made the decision to walk into the virtual sunset. It was a great run while it lasted and I can't deny I'm very sad now that the decision has been made. But I know it's the right choice and I know it was time. It's amazing how attached you become to something, something that other people probably can't understand.

My birthday is going to be so bittersweet tomorrow. But I think the timing is perfect, I'm starting the next chapter in my life.

Lies and the hateful people who say them

My feelings have been greatly hurt the last few days. I found out about someone saying some pretty terrible things about me that are untrue and malicious. I tried to shrug it all off because after all, this came about from playing FFXI online. But I'm still having a difficult time with it.

Being called names, or being told I've done things I haven't, is becoming increasingly hard to ignore. I went back to playing the game here and there, only because Tytus asked us to and we really missed him. We enjoyed spending time and chatting online and doing things that didn't involve too much time.
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I should have known all those bitter and hateful people we left behind would see we'd returned and start it all back up. I don't understand it. Why can't people just play a game as intended instead of making it this huge soap opera. Maybe people don't play for the storyline or to have fun, maybe it's because they enjoy hurting others.

I may have to just leave for good. I'd walked away for a few months and was happy in the decision. A lot happier than I am now I can tell you. I suppose the only reason I stay is I refuse to allow people to run me off. I don't want to give them the satisfaction. But now that all of my old friends are gone (except Tytus) it's just not the same anymore.

Sorry for the rant as I realize most won't understand this because they have never played a MMORPG. It's one of the worst things about it honestly.