Things that Changed

Things that changed when I became a Mom:

My memory got shorter.

My heart got larger.

My sleep became non-existent.

My purse got bigger.

My cooking got better.

My driving got slower.

My house got messier.

My vehicle got upgraded.

My life became fuller.

My days became sweeter.

I found myself.

What do you know?

I loved the shirt. It was black with different colored hearts all over. I picked it up and debated making the purchase but eventually left the store empty handed.

Today my Mother in law came by to pick up the dry cleaning for us and she brought a Mother's day card and gift for me with her. As we exchanged gifts I opened up the bag and unwrapped the present...

it was the black rainbow heart shirt I'd put back in the store.

I rushed into the bathroom and tried it on and walked out to show her. She was excited that it fit and said she didn't know if I'd like it or not but she thought it was "me". Then I told her it was indeed me as I'd almost bought it myself when shopping but put it back instead.

The card she got me says it all when it comes to our relationship:

I love the way we never have to work at it - we just get each other.

Happy Mother's Day!!

Mother's Day...

Mother's Day reminds me I Owe My Mother


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

(lifted this from Nurse Ratched's Place)

Another Day

I went to the Neuro and was given these new Lidoderm patches for my neck. They are to be worn 12 hours on and 12 off, she said it numbs the area, so here's hoping. She's scheduling a MRI for me before she'll give the go ahead for the neck blocks. So I have to wait (and it sucks!)

I hope I get most of this taken care of soon. The H.Pylori is more noticeable and Annabel continues to refuse solids so it's a constant struggle. I need to be on other medications and I just can't be until she's ready. Hopefully I'll find something more than bananas that please her picky palate.

The boys wanted to create with Play Doh so of course I made another rose, (see above). I looked all over at my pictures trying to find the cat I'd created long ago but no luck so far. When I finally come across it again I'll share the picture with you.

♥ I hope you all have a wonderful Mother's Day weekend! ♥

That's what I thought

You want me to get the biopsy. You want me to have that surgery now you say. I can't wait you say.

"You can't let stuff like that wait, you need to do it now. What does your doctor say? You need to have that done!"

So I responded with the only thing I could. The most blunt thing, the most honest.

"Who is going to take care of me at home while I recover Mom? Jimbo doesn't have the time, neither does his Mom. Are YOU going to do it? Are YOU going to come up here and take time off of work?"

"Uhhh...well...we'll just have to work around it, you know...all of us...even your Father.........."

That's what I thought.

Field Day!

All I can say is Arwen had a great time and it was wonderful to be able to enjoy watching her. I can't believe Kindergarten is almost over...my little girl is growing up before my eyes. I'd better not blink.

Fool me Twice, Shame on Me

My Mother and I have always had our little quirks. I suppose that's natural considering we were at one another's throats as soon as I hit the ripe ole age of 18. I quickly moved out of her place and into my own with my high school sweetheart and thus began my emancipation into adulthood.

Over the years the ride has continued in a tempest. We get along and then we don't. We see eye to eye but only on certain things. One of those things is my Mom's mouth writing checks her ass can't cash. It often comes in the form of her saying she will do things but she never does. The list is a long one. Ranging from...

Telling us when she purchased another car she was going to "give" us her current one. Since we only then had the truck and my old Toyota that was falling apart. Eventually we bought my Camry, we had no choice when the Toyo went bust.

Telling us we could have her and my Father's old van. We were told this when I discovered my pregnancy with Annabel. We waited until I'd given birth to realize this too was a pipe dream and bit the bullet and went Van shopping. We made the purchase and got a great deal so it wasn't all bad. (That van promised to us by the way was given to another family member shortly after. The addicted Uncle to be exact)

Telling us she wanted to buy the children's back to school shoes. We waited until days before school started and just did it ourselves.

So it's no shock to me that recently she has reneged on something yet again. As you may recall (if not, I have an entry somewhere about our heating/air issues) our upstairs room is a furnace. It's always hot. We'd decided this year to install decent Hunter fans into the kids rooms to help reduce some of the heat. Upon hearing this my Mother...

"I'll buy them some fans!" she offered quickly over the phone.

"I've already found the girls one," I tell her. "It's one sale too, it's only $90, down from $200."

"Oh," she stammers. I know her idea was to purchase cheap Wal-Mart fans but I have been there and done that. I do not want something cheap that will last 1 year before falling apart.

"It's fine," I tell her. "We'll get them."

"No, I can get them, where are they? Are they at *insert store here*? I have a credit card there you know."

"No." I answer. "But it's ok, we will get them."

This banter goes back and forth for several minutes before I tell her if she really wants to get the fan it's here and it costs this much.

That was 3 weeks ago.

Then today she calls and I tell her I've found the fan on sale at Home Depot for $79 this week only. She just sits there. Immediately I know I need to make an emergency trip this weekend to procure this fan (hopefully, I'm crossing my fingers one is left).

I don't understand why she constantly does this. I never ask for anything, it is she who offers. And instead of it making me happy or thinking she's so generous, it just pisses me off because she never comes through. It's gotten to the point where I don't even listen to her now. To me it's just more of the same. Promises, promises and more promises. All of them empty.

Maybe in some way this makes her feel good. But I wish she'd just stop already. It's not that I mind her offering so much as I mind the long wait until we realize it's not happening and just go make the purchase when we could have done it long ago and have been done with it.

Vanity

The wrinkles have officially begun. I noticed this last year on my forehead in the space between my eyebrows. I'm a terrible "frowner" and years of the habit have made long creases that run from my forehead down. I'm also showing lines around my eyes from years of smiling big and laughing hard.

A part of me is sad and selfishly upset. Seeing the physical proof that I am no longer some hot young 20 something is oftentimes difficult to accept. I don't often feel my age and it was hard for me to remember when asked "how old are you" to answer "30" when I hit the big one. And it wasn't necessarily because I'm ashamed of my age rather than the transition wasn't instantaneous. Come to think of it, I'm fairly sure I'm not alone. I just didn't think of myself in terms of a 30-something instead of a 20-something. Just as I'm sure I won't think of myself as a 40-something if, and god willing when, the time comes.

Until then, these little marks that signify the changing of my life and the passing by of years will remain firmly a part of me. I suppose I could look at them as a road map of all the twists and turns my life has taken so far.

Poor Jimbo and I. He's losing his hair, I'm turning into a prune. What a pair we are.

HPV Vaccine

I was over at Doctor David's Blog and I came across THIS entry. No one likes to talk about STD's and I understand. It's embarrassing and taboo to do so. Who wants to talk about a disease that was transmitted during the acts of sex? But HPV is something people need to talk about because it's easy to transmit and it causes cervical cancer.

Most people that have HPV don't even know it. I've already decided that when Arwen and Annabel are older I'd like them to get the shot. It's not because I'm encouraging them to have sex or because I'm fine with them being sexually active. Rather it's due to knowing my children may or may not listen to me and are going to make their own choices. I don't know if they will choose to have sex but I can at least know if they do make that decision they will be protected somewhat from HPV. How could I not allow them to have the vaccine knowing it could potentially save their lives in the future?

The debate on this conjures up images of the birds and bees talk with my Dad. Back then it wasn't the vaccine parents had to decide to encourage or dismiss, it was condoms. I remember my Dad telling me to be responsible and that if I was going to be sexually active to use protection. What's funny is this talk helped me make the decision not to engage in sexual activity. There was no way I was going to talk to my Dad about sex again, much less ask about condoms, and could you imagine if I'd gotten pregnant?!?

HPV is a nasty creature. It's transmitted even if a couple uses condoms because it's passed through genital contact. How scary is that? Scary enough that I'm going to educate my children and give them the information so they can make an informed decision.

Momma Drama

I'm about to make an entry on a subject that seems to continuously appear on my blog. For those of you who are tired of hearing about my Momma drama, please skip over this.

As you may recall from a previous entry, Beware the Ides of March, my Mother and I are having some issues and have been for a very long time. After our heated discussion I decided we would go over for a short time on Easter in the morning. After all, we are going to Jim's family and I do want to be fair (even if making the trip really puts us out).

Tonight after the kids were settled I decided to sneak in a nap. I nestled with Annabel upstairs when the phone rang. No big I figured, until I heard the caller ID. It was my Mom. I heard the answering machine click over and I just let it. I was tired and Annabel was nearly asleep. Then I heard my cell phone going off. Again, it was her (why she does that is beyond me, if I don't answer the home phone why would I answer my cell???) and again I didn't pick it up.

When I woke an hour or so later I came downstairs and Jimbo looked rather peeved (which admittedly is odd for him, sure he's a pain in the kitchen but more often than not he's passive). It appears my Mom called yet again and he picked up. Every time in the past this has happened my Mother has asked for me, told him to tell me to call her and hung up. But not today. Nope. Today she was all kisses and, "the kids are going to have soooooo much fun! I bought this and that and blah blah blah", all because she is getting her way.

"It's pisses me off so bad," he said. "She treats me like shit every time she calls. No 'how are you' or 'thank you' just, 'is Jaime there, well tell her I called, click' it's insulting. Not to mention all the times she's called and when she hears me she hangs up. What the fuck does she think, I can't read the caller ID? That I don't know it's her hanging up on me?"

And the truth is, he has every right to be angry. My Mother has crapped on him and although I do not allow it or condone it (and she knows it too), she is still a bitch to him. I still remember after giving birth to Logan, Jimbo was in the hospital room with me when Mom called. She asked to speak with me and I was asleep, which Jimbo told her.

"Little shit," she said as she hung up the phone. He never forgot that and neither have I. When I brought it up she tried to downplay it or changes the subject.

I know several of you fellow bloggers have suggested I cut her out of my life or just simply say no. (I truly appreciate the comments and support from you all) Trust me when I say I'd love to do both of these things and I've tried them out.

First I cut her out as much as I could. Problem is my daughter adores her (believe it or not, as a testament to my truth, my boys have never stayed the night with my Mother) and the longer she goes without seeing her, the more she craves it. I don't wish to punish Arwen for my Mothers faults. (even if my dear sweet daughter returns home acting like a brat and fool for a good week after a trip to her "Grannies")

Then I tried telling her "NO". This worked for a very short period of time because she would call and put on that act. And it all lies within me but I allow her to guilt trip me. I try to stop it but years of conditioning are working against me.

When you add all the shit she has put me through it also causes tension for Jimbo. He loves me and when he sees me upset or crying (which I never do) he is livid. And he knows she is the only person who can upset me so much, and just the fact that SHE knows it and continues to do it. Let's just say it pisses him off something fierce.

It's hard having a manipulative person as your Mother. I'm pretty sure she acts as she does because of tons of insecurity. I've always known she put on a show for others. She always has to be the center of anything. Even in times of crisis. As terrible as it is for me to admit it, my Mom thrives off of drama. It seems to bring out the best and worst in her.

I don't know what we are going to do after this year. I want to be fair but she isn't being fair and for those you might say, "tell her she can come visit your house", I have tried, believe me. I've asked her and my Dad over time and again and they've come out a handful of times. They tell us, "it's such a long trip, it's too hard to come out there". I guess packing 4 children up and taking them there is easy.

I told Jimbo today that it's like this. I feel as if she places this huge weight upon my shoulders and makes me bear it. Then each time she calls it's a reminder of that weight and of the burden imposed upon me by her. And it makes me absolutely resent the hell out of her.

She just doesn't get it and to prove my point I'll end this entry with a comment she made to Jimbo that had steam coming out of his ears.

"11 o'clock will come so early tomorrow."

HELLO. We get up at 6-7am here to care for our children. You think 11am is coming early?

Wake the hell up Mother. Please.

Shape of a Mother

Every woman, should visit this site. I know it caterers to Mothers but I feel it goes a long way in helping all women feel secure and beautiful in their own skin.

I've been tempted to post some pictures of my own but I'm still debating it. Anyhow, check it out, and be cautious, there is some nudity (tasteful but still nudity, I looked again, some of the nudity is very raw but I don't find it offensive but that is just ME so please, proceed with caution).

The Shape of a Mother.

*edited the link, thanks Rae ;)