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Thursday, April 10, 2008

Don't tell me what I Want

I've been having a difficult time as of late with my decision to have a tubal ligation. I knew when I signed the paper that it was the 'smart' thing to do at the time. My body was ravaged, I was sick, we already had 4 children and I was 30 years old. I counted my blessings and made the logical choice.

But I regret it. On days like today when I look at Annabel and it strikes me, "this is my last baby" and "no more pregnancy" for me and it's hard. I start to feel resentment. I get angry at my body for being too weak, angry at my husband for being a coward and forcing my body to be the one that can no longer produce children.

And the worst part is when I try to tell family and friends of this strange grief I always get the same response.

"You don't need anymore children! You already got 4!"

or

"Honey, you need time for YOU. You need to get out of that house, away from them kids."

And instead of taking it in a positive way I start to fester. Because that isn't what I want.

Maybe this is normal. I keep waiting to come to terms with my sterility. Just chalk it up to another issue that compounds my daily life. It's not easy being a woman, or a Mother, or a person stuck in the middle of the two.

2 comments:

littlesunshine said...

This is a tough call. While my body would have happily had more babies, I didn't know if I could have more children and remain sane... especially because my hubby is away a lot. I think what you're dealing with is normal, and I suppose you're family is trying to encourage your decision.
For abotu the past year I was mildly troubled as to if we did the right thing. That said when B turned 18 months old my decision felt right. Once you get a taste of the time you will have when Annabel turns one and a half, trust me... you'll be happy you got it done. That's what happened for me. You will have a bit of time to try scrapbooking or join a gym to make a friend. :) Hang in there hon!
No looking back. ***HUG***

Lawfrog said...

It's ok to feel grief over this choice. It's not an easy one to make and there is a certain degree of mourning that comes with it. Go ahead and feel your grief, it's the only way to get through it.

You have every right to your feelings. This is not about the number of children you have now, it's about closing the door on having any more...that is monumental and deserves the emotion that comes with it. Feel your feelings and know that no matter what you feel, it's valid.