Breakdown

Today has been rough to put it mildly. I got a call in the morning from my doctor. Initial blood work shows anemia...again. So I'm back on a regimn of iron to bring it up. He said this could very well be the cause for many of my problems.

Then I sat down to finally finish Arwen's birthday invitations...all 18 of them. There are 18 girls being invited from her class as well as my niece, cousin Jade and my own children. It's going to be busy as all hell and I hope I can keep it all together. At least the destruction will take place at somewhere other than home.

Then I had a breakdown with my oldest child. It hurts me so much to see some of things she does, or to listen to her when she is in a mood. I feel like I've lost my 'baby'. I'd finally gotten her to be somewhat happy by having her help make rolls for dinner. As we made our way to the basement I grabbed Annabel. She was wet and I began to change her.

Ka-BOOM! I hear noise upstairs. It's the boys up from their naps. I know they are heading (as they always do) into Arwens room to play.

"Your brothers are up," I say, trying to get the dirty diaper off.

"I'll go tell them not to go in my room!" And away she goes. I hurry to latch Annabel's buttons when I hear her make it upstairs on the monitor.

"You get out of my room! No you don't touch that!"

I place the baby on the floor and rush up, I hear the crying already. I'm almost at the middle floor when I hear it.

Boom!!! thump, thump, thump! BOOM! This is followed by a cry of pain and fear. I know immediately it is Vincent. Logan meets me with teary eyes and I rush past him to the stairs where I find Vincent. He is ok from the fall but scared. I grasp him to me and thank god.

I turn from him to my daughter who stands before me. I try to fight the urge to yell. She knows she's in for it because she starts to run. I grab her and tell her to go to her room, NOW. I swat her on the butt as she walks up and try to count to ten. She starts squalling.

I get into the basement and take off Vincent's clothes. He is fine. I kiss him and cuddle him before going to Logan and doing the same. Logan is over it however and only wants his toys. I check on Annabel quickly and go upstairs to talk to my daughter.

I sat down and told her how upset I was, I took some of her prized things and she started to cry again. Then I asked the big question.

"Why did you push him?"

and her response?

"Because he wasn't moving fast enough."

*sigh*

I'm starting to lose it with my child. I adore her but she is so self centered. I suppose all children are to an extent but she has to realize that she can kill someone. I tried to explain, I did my best to tell her the consequences of her actions. Yet she was only concerned with her punishment and getting into trouble and that I "hurt her feelings and made me cry."

Arwen has the capacity for incredibly goodness. She is so calm and mothering with Annabel. Logan simply adores her and there are times when she plays so well with her brothers. I don't know why she lashes out sometimes. I'm not trying to defend her and I'm not one of those Mothers that act as if their Satan's crotch spawn is an angel. But...

When she is good, she is VERY good BUT when she is bad, she is god awful.