Better than the alternative

I'm going to sound like a selfish bitch for a moment. Please disregard this entry if a person complaining about an upcoming birthday being depressing upsets you. I realize the alternative is something much worse.

I had a difficult time last year when I hit the BIG 3-0. I obsessed about it for days beforehand. I kept looking into the mirror, contemplated cutting off all my hair into a pixie cut (because I swore I would before my 20's were gone) and wondered where all the time has gone. I didn't feel any different and didn't think I really looked any different but the years had still crept on past me and here I was, facing a huge milestone in a persons life. I made the transition from being a 20 something to a 30 something and it scared the piss out of me.

I'm not sure why some people put such thought into a number, myself included. Maybe it's because that number reminds you of the time that has passed and the time still yet to come. I just know for me I am reminded I'm not a young fresh girl starting out her life. Instead I'm in my life, right now, living it. This is what I am. This is what I've become. I always assumed I'd be doing other things. I'm not sure exactly what those things are but just something more than I am. I'm not unhappy in my life, I suppose having a birthday draw near reminds me of all the "what might have/could have/should have" been things.

And as I grow older I'm reminded that people are not infallible, we can and do die and that is another scary thing I often ponder late at night. I won't be around forever and those little ails I experience I can no longer shrug off because, "I'm too young to have that".

It's hard to believe my birthday is almost here again.