You have your group of friends. You do everything together. You meet a guy, date the guy, fall in love with the guy. You stop doing everything with your friends and instead split the time between the two. Your friends are fine with this because they have their own boyfriends. And those who don't have boyfriends might resent you some but they would never say it openly.
Then that guy becomes "the guy". You get married, settle down and decide to start a family. During the pregnancy your friends organize a baby shower. You're happy and content. Then the big day comes and baby arrives. Your friends visit you in the hospital and you go home after. Thus begins the transition into Mommydom.
But then, it happens. You are invited to a girls night out but you have to decline, the baby is sick. Then you are asked to a shopping spree with the girls. Trouble is you're saving for Christmas and you know they will expect to eat out. So you tell them you can go but have to leave after the shopping is done. You go and they push you to go eat, you need to "catch up". You explain money is tight and you simply cannot but thank them and go home. Then a few weeks later you and the hubs have plans for a dinner out. Your friends call a few days before and ask you out and you explain you have a date with the husband.
Then the calls slowly or completely stop.
Now, you're the guy. You're a bachelor and as a gesture of kindness allow two of your friends to live in your home. They pay a portion of the bills. You host parties for your crew every weekend and since you have the best paying job, you pay for everything. You and your friends stay up all night long to play video games together. Then one day you go to a movie with those friends and bump into a girl you used to know.
You call the girl, start dating the girl. You tell you friends to expect change because you are falling in love and are going to propose. Your friends tell you not to do it, to think it over but you have made up your mind. You propose, girl says yes.
Friends have to move out and don't like it one bit. Then you and girl marry and start your family. Friends become more annoyed, no longer do you pay for parties every weekend and you don't host overnight video game playing sprees. They can't talk you into leaving the house late at night to go out. Friends become spiteful. They begin signing you up online for offers, using your address but names such as "I hope she is worth it" and "Pussy Whipped". The wife checks the mail daily and confronts the friends who deny doing such a thing.
Then as a husband and a wife, these things begin to cause tension. The wife is upset her friends are gone and she has no one to girl chat with. Or she needs to vent about the husband but she can't exactly vent about him to him. And mostly she is angry at his friends and his failure to totally call them out on what they are doing. The husband on the other hand needs a break too, for some guy time. But his friends have upset his wife so badly she says they are no longer welcome in the home and truthfully he isn't even sure if he wants to be friends anymore.
When it's all said and done, it is just you and your spouse. Some of the friendships continue but only in the form of going out once in a blue moon to lunch or random phone calls. Otherwise it's just you and her and your children. You fall into a habit and the times you leave the house are always spent together.
Does this sound familiar to any of you? I'm sure certain details might be different but overall? I've been thinking about how friendships change after someone gets married or starts having children. I can attest to the fact that many friends move along as soon as they realize you're lifestyle and value systems have changed.
So tell me, is it just me? Or has this happened to you? Did alot of your friendships come to an end once you married? How about your husbands? or your wives?
2 comments:
I've kept a few friends I've had since we were about 6 years old and I made a few new friends and we all kind of had kids around the same time...so we all sort of took that transition together and understood each other better. With the exception of one girl I have been really good friends with since 4th grade...she went to college, partied, graduated, is still partying and loving the single life. She goes to clubs, goes out to eat w/ random friends, shops...she doesn't understand our lives at ALL. So we rarely see each other or talk anymore. It's funny how things change like that. She's taken me out to dinner a couple times to nice italian restaurants because that's what she was craving and I didn't have the money...and I could tell she was totally annoyed and appalled the whole time. It's hard to sit and have a deep conversation while your kid is turning around in their seat and babbling to people or getting spaghetti EVERYWHERE and you're trying to keep the mess somewhat contained and the table slowly fills up with various wipes and empty food containers and stray spaghetti noodles LOL ...she hasn't asked me out since.
As for my husband, he moved on from his high school friends(his best friend who hit on me all the time and tried to get him to non-stop party moved to Georgia after graduation, thank GOD) and pretty much just hung out with his older brother(married, kids). Then he went back to school and the guys he was on the golf team with that first year were his age too. They graduated that year but they stayed good friends and he still hangs out with them at least a few times a week. They're really good guys, I even really enjoy being around them...one's getting married this year and the other is moving in with his long time girlfriend(they're having a baby next month).
So I guess for us it's worked out really well and we haven't really had any problems, thank God!
I can't believe this has just started happening to me! I've always made a great deal of effort with friends, when I have been both single and in a relationship. I've always had lots alongside a really close smaller circle.
For the first time, friends are not including me which I am finding really shocking and upsetting - I've never been one to ditch friends for a man but loads have now ditched me! I can understand the fun ones in my wider circle but not the close friends after everything we've been through together.
Have I changed? Really? Is this it now? Have I overnight just become a boring grown-up? Maybe they don't want to interrupt the 'honeymoon period'?As lovely as it is being married to the man I love there are only so many nights you want to stay in demonstrating this!
I'm 30 and live in London, I'm the first person out of all the friends I know who are married. I barely spoke of the wedding, there was no shower, there were minimal bridesmaid meetings etc so I can't blame it on being a complete bore or wedding obsessed - people had to drag info out of me.
I'll try not to resent them, maybe I'm just being paranoid. I don't want to distance myself further by getting in a bad mood with them but neither do I want to seem desperate if they've just lost interest in me! I'm not one to mention anything either for fear of sounding mad or just generally, uncool!
It has felt nice to have a rant here though about my unexpected & shocking new situation! Thanks!
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