Old Flames

A few days ago I got to talking to my Mom about Matthew. The guy I thought I was going to marry. He and I met in high school, my senior year. We went out one time and became inseparable. We had a tempestuous relationship. Breaking up at a year in, him going buck wild for a week or so, only to return to me wanting another chance.

We moved in together. Became engaged and spent 5 years as a couple. But at some point during our relationship things changed. I ended up so stressed I decided to stay with my Dad for a couple of weeks and during that time he called one day out of the blue to announce it was over.

As I went to retrieve my things at our shared apartment, many of my things were gone. Stolen by his friends I assumed. When he walked in he was shocked to see me. I can still feel that pain. That hurt, that intense breaking of a young heart. But my pain would only grow as I confronted him and realized the cold truth. He was sleeping with another woman and had been for a very long time. I wasn't sure of how long he had been cheating in the relationship but he refused to meet my eyes or to answer my questions. Instead he made a fast path to the front door.

I'll never forget that day. It was cold, the beginning of March. The air was damp with a slight rain and the wind was crisp. As he walked out I followed, stopping as he went down the stairs and instead watching through my tears from the balcony. He climbed into the drivers seat of 'her' car, a black Toyota Camry. She was in the passengers seat. He looked at me one last time as he put the car in drive and drove out of my life.

During the days, weeks and years that followed I told myself that one day he would be sorry. One day he would regret the hurt he had given me. That one day, my pain would become his. I yearned for that day, waited for it, longed for it.

Fast forward almost 10 years later. My Sister and Mom bumped into him separately and they each told me that words from him I'd always dreamed of hearing:

"He asked about you, how you are. He said if he could change what happened he would. He said it was the biggest mistake."

And the funny thing is, I no longer needed to hear it.

He's had a very hard life since that day. Many hurts upon his soul that I won't divulge. They are his stories to tell and I found it sad to learn them from my Mother. I always assumed I would feel a perverse pleasure from his pain but instead I felt an intense sympathy for him. Because even though he hurt me he also paved the way for the greatest gifts in my life.

If it weren't for him I would never have married the true love of my life. I wouldn't have my children that I adore more than words. I would still be that selfish girl who only cared about herself. I would still be looking for that perfect dream life that girls can't see is directly in front of them because they always want more than what they have.

It's so funny how things turn out. Jimbo was so broken when his wife cheated on him...with one of his best friends from childhood (he was a groomsman at his wedding to her!). Yet when his friend came asking forgivness after Jim and I married Jimbo thanked him. We are each so damned thankful for the hurt that brought us together. It makes us appreciate one another even more.

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I told my Mom and Sister to tell Matthew I wish him well by the way. Hopefully he will find his joy in life soon. I want him to be as happy as I am. That is my Christmas wish this year.