Pondering the Future

Tomorrow is the "big day". And while I'm not having a major surgery (in fact, my surgery is considered minimally invasive) some thoughts still cross my mind.

I've always feared surgery. It stems from my cousins grandfather who passed while having a bypass on his heart. He is the person mentioned in THIS entry. He went in fine and never came out. His family was shocked and heartbroken and it made such a huge impact on me (I was only 7 or 8 years old at the time) that I've never forgotten it.

So last night I spoke to Jimbo, kind of joking but in a serious tone of what I'd like to happen in the event something went wrong on the table. He didn't want to discuss it and kept trying to change the subject but I wouldn't allow it. There were three things I wanted to make sure of.

1. He would never put another person in front of our children.

2.He would make sure my jewelry and other things were given to my children when they became mature enough to care for it.

3.He made sure to tell them how very much I love them and how much they mean to me.

This got me to thinking. It's so terrible and sad to think of parents who died and left children behind. Not so much because of what I will miss (although I admit, it hurts thinking of that) but because the child may or may not recall this love first hand. For some reason that really struck at my heart. Arwen is old enough to remember me but I'm not sure about Logan or Vincent. Annabel would have no memory of me at all.

Then I thought about Logan. There is a very real possibility that Logan will live his life indefinitely with Jimbo and I. But what would happen if it was only Jimbo? Jimbo handles the "fun" stuff but I'm the parent the children come to when they need comfort or reassurance. How would things change for them in my absence?

All of this is difficult to consider but it is something I owe to my children to think over. I've spoken to Jimbo about my wishes but have decided it is past time we execute a living will for what we want to happen in the event we pass from this world. We have to be responsible and we have to face this very adult issue.

Hopefully we each have plenty of time before that happens.