Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Smooth move X-Lax

Today I decided to attempt a venture out to Hell-Mart, all kids in tow. This is the first time I've ever braved the market alone with all of them. I'd also decided that if they behaved we'd visit the toy section for something small as a reward.

The trip to the store was uneventful, as we parked and piled out the children listened beautifully, forming a line and holding hands. I was so proud. We went inside, got a cart and off we went. After I made my selections we went to the toy department. We ended up spending more time there than intended but they still did me proud and as we left I decided since it was late to splurge on McD's Happy Meals and ice cream cones.

First I should say, I was stupid to consider this without going inside the store. I pulled up, placed our order and put the Happy Meals to the side. I passed the small cones to each child and pulled out into traffic. Maybe it was my intense pride that karma needed to bitch slap down to earth but I was about to start a headlong dive into hell.

I'm driving along...

"NO ICE CREAM CONE!" Vincent thrusts his arm holding his barely touched cone out.

"Aw come on Vince..."

"NO ICE CREAM CONE!" I realize immediately this will go one of two ways and sure enough he reaches to place it into the cup holder.

"Wait! Give to Mommy!" I reach back and grab it. I start looking as I drive for a trash can.

"Here Mommy." It's Logan this time. He's pushing is cone at me as well.

"Not you too! Eat your cone please."

"No." He keeps holding his arm out. I
maneuver the cone I'm currently holding over to my left hand and grab it.

At this point I am trying to drive while also licking the cones alternately to avoid ice cream all over myself and the car. It's a losing battle. I can't keep up. Then by the grace of god I see a trash can! I hit my turn signal and start to turn when I hear it. A strange yet familiar watery sound...oh shit, the drinks!

I get to the trash can and throw away the cones. I then spend the next few minutes cleaning up the cokes I just spilled with napkins. At this point I'm cursing myself for ever leaving the comfort and security of my house. I get back into the driver's seat and begin hurrying home...when my irritable bowel attacks...from the ice cream I just gulped down.

As I'm driving I'm praying I don't have an accident. I feel like I'm about to die. I pull into the driveway and begin herding the children into the house. I leave everything else in the van to take care of business because some shit (excuse the pun) just won't wait.

When I'm done I go back outside and empty the van. I get the kids situated and comfortable when Annabel begins to cry. She's hungry. I grab her and get her fed before sitting down at the desk

Off to a rocky start, summer scoreboard:



Cheating Death said...

sad.... Just hold it over their heads in 10 years...