Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Mom to daughter, daughter to Mom

I should warn anyone that might come across this, this particular entry is being done as a rant by myself. It might prove to be a long journey so take heed now.

My Mother and I have always shared a tempestuous relationship. Early on my devotion and utter admiration toward her was fed by her comments and the worry she would somehow disappear from my life. Call me stupid but as a child nothing meant more to me than my Mother. So when I was "bad" she would make comments to me along the lines of "tomorrow I could die and then you'll regret what you said". Things children say to one another or think in the back of their minds when a parent has wronged them. In any case, I revered my Mother and although she might state otherwise, I was rarely a "bad" child.

Over the years, as I grew, our relationship changed but that basic foundation remained. No matter what our fights or disagreements, my Mother always kept me firmly in place. I might yell or scream but always came back within an hour apologizing to her and telling her I loved her.

This unhealthy balance continued well into my adulthood. Even as a young woman working two jobs while attending college (I moved out as soon as I turned 18, straight out of high school with my boyfriend to escape it) all it would take to reduce me to a quivering child was a call from my Mom. She could shake and break me down as no other could.

It drove a huge wedge between my boyfriend and I. He despised her and her manipulations. He ranted to me and his family about how controlling she was and how much he wanted to tell her so but he didn't. Eventually (5 years later to be exact) our relationship ended. I moved in with my Dad who was reconciling with my Mother after many years of divorce. Apparently she has him wound in the same way she does myself.

I moved out again and met my future husband. My Mother adored him and tried to push me into a solid relationship with him. I refused at first. Jim and I were fresh out of bad relationships and started out as friends. Eventually that changed and we dated, then married, then began having children.

I'm not sure when but things began to shift in that control my Mom always had over my life. I'm pretty certain it occurred with the birth of my first child. I was no longer a child but a Mother myself and I was tired of the insecurity my Mother brought out in me. It was now my job to comfort and protect and I couldn't do that if I allowed her to intimidate me. It took months and months for things to start easing off every time we talked. She blamed my husband and his family, stating they had "brainwashed" me and I had forgotten my family. She said things to purposely make me feel guilty and accomplished the exact opposite of what she was trying to do, she drove a huge wedge between us.

The purpose of this blog and rant is an argument that just took place with my Mother. She wanted us to visit her this weekend to celebrate my sons birthday. Jimbo requested we go on Saturday so he can catch the Browns game. Yet for some reason she is determined we will visit on Sunday (which is her Mom's, my Grandma's birthday) and Sunday only. When I told her that if we come that day I would have to come at 8am with the kids and leave at 11am she responded "I'll just send him his birthday card!" before slamming down the phone.

I collected myself and called her back and got her machine. As calmly as I could I told her I love her but I wouldn't be speaking to her again until she can talk to me like an adult and stop hanging up on me like a child.

When did I become the Mother and her the Daughter here? When did I take on the mature demeanor and her the "it's my way or no way" persona? Is this the way it is between all Mother's and daughters?

Why can't I just be like my sister and let it roll off my back like water. Then it wouldn't matter to me so much that I rush to blog it all to get it off my mind.


Anonymous said...

I love your new layout and your title picture!!! It's *so* pefect for your family! I also *love* your hair in your profile pic!
Love ya!

P.S If you let things roll off your back like your sister, you wouldn't be teaching your children sympathy, empathy, caring and understanding. You are who you are... your children will only love your caring heart in the end!

Jaime said...

Thank you littlesunshine ;)