Jizz In My Pants

This is totally NOT appropriate but I laughed so hard - I guess I have potty humor!

Post Oak Light Show - White Trash Christmas

Okay the light show isn't the reason I posted this - the SONG is.

I LOVE this song - give it a listen.

*sings* It's a White Trash Christmas!

Cubby dances to Beyonce's Single Ladies Video

Okay, you've seen everyone do this - but NOT quite like this. ;)

How Long?

Until my kids grasp these concepts -

The toilet is meant to be flushed.

Toilet paper is intended to be flushed, not thrown into the waste basket.

And the bathroom is not a playroom.

Holy Mother - pray for me.

A Confession - Not necessarily a "Mom" One

Okay - I've been committing a huge blog No-No. The one in which I'm not being honest with myself and using this venue as a place of solace and comfort, a place where those awesome people I visit (or that visit me) can read and offer encouragement, support, or just a "I know what you mean!"

So what's my confession - well, a couple of people know, so it's not a huge secret - but still...

I recently finished writing something - a supernatural/paranormal love story. There is turmoil and upheaval, the heroine learns about herself and discovers love for the first time. It's that kind of tale.

When I finished, a few people in my life asked if they could read it. I was absolutely petrified of the notion that someone would actually read what I created inside my warped brain, but I caved in, printing it out and passing it along. I was surprised (and stupified) to discover they actually liked it. In fact, they told me I should consider trying to get published. I scoffed at the notion, cause let's face it, I ain't no Stephenie Meyer people! And family and friends are supposed to tell you, "I love what you've done honey, it's so good!" Even if you've written the biggest steaming pile o' shit.

But I decided to tweak the story anyway, work on the manuscript obsessively, and finally had it to a place where I thought, "it's not that bad."

Well, I started researching what it takes to get published, uncovering the terrifying truths about agents, publishing companies, queries, and submissions. I googled, went to Barnes and Noble, visited the library. I have printed out hints, suggestions, and names from Agent Query. Then I tried to find a 'fit' for my story (which is honestly been a terrible experience in and of itself) to narrow down the people I would eventually query for potential representation.

It has been a nightmare, but even worse, was attempting to write a decent query. Seriously, I have visited blogs, websites, and have read how-to books and I'm still confused. One place says - DO NOT do A, B, or C. The next says - DEFINITELY do A, B, and C. I fought with myself, taking over two weeks, and sloshed through, producing a terrible rendition of one. Then I had the pleasure of explaining in 5 pages what takes place in 96,000 words of text (that's roughly 400 pages of book people) in a synopsis to accompany said query.

But the worst was yet to come - I just didn't know it yet. I thought after I had the query and synopsis, the names and the emails, I would simply mail out my stuff and hope for the best. What I didn't expect what the terrible pressure inside my stomach that has caused me to hug the toilet for several days now, caused by the mere action of pressing "send" on each individual email. Because let me tell you, each punch of the enter key was like ripping my heart out of my chest and throwing it on the ground in front of a steam roller.

Am I afraid of rejection? Sure I am. But strangely, it's slightly more than that. What started out as a hobby (okay, a monumental stress relief, which has become an addiction - I've finished off another story already, which is completely different) is now making me sick. It's strange because, well, I enjoyed writing the book and the concept of keeping it 'hidden'. Hell, my husband hasn't even read the stuff!

The bad news is - I've gotten rejections already. The good news is - it's completely normal and to be expected. But the good/bad news is = one publisher in particular has requested the full manuscript, and since that day, I've been a walking diarhhea bag of nerves. Jesus. Baring myself in front of the entire O/B department to give birth was less painful. I want to check my email to see if I've gotten a response, but I don't want to check it. I want to continue writing, but I don't want to continue writing. I'm a mixed bag of grapenuts, and I'm equal parts crunchy and soggy. It's completely nerve wracking.

And let me just say - kudos to ALL of you writer's out there who continue to press onward, even in the face of certain rejection and confusion. I know I can't be alone in this necessary step toward acheiving representation.

Wow - I strangely feel better now. Just getting that off my chest...no wait, there's the nausea again. Oh well.

FLOOD

It figures a monsoon would arrive with snow falling "later this evening". As it stands - the fence may or may not survive the sheer force of the water held back by the leaves that have collected and flowed along the huge stream through our property.

Jimbo - we're gonna need a bigger boat...

16 Month Old + Phone = BAD

Note to self:

When preparing dinner, always make sure that your 16 month old infant daughter is nowhere near the phone. Otherwise you'd best prepare yourself for the impending arrival of the Sheriff's department asking about the 911 call that ended in a hang up and consequent investigation.

Thanks Bella - you're already starting trouble with the law.

The Holiday Season

Ahhh the holiday season. A time of joy, peace, serenity, good will toward men...A time of greed, insanity, price checking and psyching out the woman about to purchase the last 2008 Christmas Barbie from the shelf at the local Hell-Mart.

Lady, if you wanted the doll that badly, all you had to do was say so. Snatching it off the shelf before my hand made it to the box only made you look moronic and quite sad. But don't fret, there are only 3 other Wal-marts in our general vicinity, and my daughter will be content with or without a plastic doll wrapped in glitter and lace.

Happy Holidays.

State Trooper Tickets Woman in Labor

You just have to READ this to believe it.

I have to say, the state troopers I have had the misfortune of meeting on the roads have ALWAYS been assholes. In fact, one pulled Jimbo over a couple of years ago and he caused Arwen (who was only 4 at the time) to burst into tears because she was afraid he was going to take her to jail. I can't say I blame her after he pointed his finger at her directly and demanded 'how old is she??'

I realize that police officer's provide an essential service and I'm grateful - but I'm equally grateful to the troops serving in other countries to defend this one and you don't see them behaving like egotistical assholes.

Twilight Trailer Spoof

Okay, I swear, no more Youtube videos for a while on my blog but this is brilliant!

The Twilight Movie

This review of the movie is hilarious. My favorite part had me laughing so hard my children thought I had lost my mind because it's so true -

"This guy asks her to the prom and Bella says, 'no I can't dance' but then later we find out she's a dancer so she lies!"

Totally cracked me up.

Kick in the Head

I have had a consistent headache for going on two weeks now. I saw the Neuro last week and tried the new meds (including steroids) and they are not working.

I'm at a loss, feeling as if my brain is going to spontaneously combust at any moment. I finally see a Doctor next week about the thyroid (have been waiting 6 weeks for that) and I'm praying some good old fashioned thyroid pills will put an end to this madness.

On a side note, when you find a dead mouse that your cat has left as a present in the garage (that you almost step on bare footed) - it will serve as a reminder that you are, in fact, a GIRL. I screamed like I'd just won the publisher's clearinghouse sweepstakes.

same old lang syne

Okay, I've come with a gripe. Light 96.9 plays nothing but Christmas music the day following Thanksgiving and I LOVE it, I keep the stereo on most of the time just to enjoy the wonderful classics that make the Holiday season so awesome. I'm talking goodies like -

Jingle Bell Rock
Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree
Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer
Oh Holy Night
Merry Christmas from the Family
Chipmunk Christmas
Santa Claus is Watching You

The list goes on and on...

But the last few years I've noticed one song in particular that comes on several times per day and each time I find myself thinking - does this even classify as a Christmas song? Other than it mentions it's Christmas Eve? So today I googled the damned thing and shook my head in disbelief at the lyrics, the stupidity and honestly the oddity that places this little ditty on the radio with other Christmas tunes.

Don't take my word for it, above is the song on Youtube and below are the lyrics. I'm looking for other opinions here - what do you think??

Dan Fogleberg "Same Auld Lang Syne

Met my old lover in a grocery store
The snow was falling Christmas Eve
Stole behind her in the frozen foods
and I touched her on the sleeve
She didn't recognize the face at first
but then her eyes flew open wide
Tried to hug me and she spilled her purse
and we laughed until we cried
Took her groceries to the checkout stand
The food was totaled up and bagged
stood there lost in our embarrassment
as the conversation dragged
Went to have ourselves a drink or two
but couldn't find an open bar
Bought a six-pack at the liquor store
and we drank it in her car
We drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to now
Tried to reach beyond the emptiness
but neither one knew how
She said she'd married her an architect
Kept her warm and safe and dry
She said she'd like to say she loved the man
but she didn't like to lie
I said the years had been a friend to her
and that her eyes were still as blue
But in those eyes I wasn't sure if
I saw doubt or gratitude
She said she saw me in the record store
and that I must be doing well
I said the audience was heavenly
but the traveling was hell
We drank a toast to innocence we drank a toast to time
We're living in our eloquence, another old lang syne
The beers were empty and our tongues grew tired
and running out of things to say
She gave a kiss to me as I got out
and I watched her drive away
Just for a moment I was back in school
And felt that old familiar pain
And as I turned to make my way back home
the snow turned into rain.

Murray Head - One Night In Bangkok

I LOVE this song! It's not Thanksgiving related but...well it's a good tune anyway! Happy Turkey Day!!!

Lying

Vincent - *Screams loudly and Wails in the other room*

Me - What is GOING ON??!!? *rushes into the playroom to see Vincent on the floor, sobbing*

Me - What's wrong Vincent?

Vincent - Logan hit me!!!

Me - Logan! *narrowing my eyes at him in warning* Don't hit!

Logan - *stares up at me with a confounded expression*

Arwen - Logan didn't hit him! Vincent was lying!

Another impending Thanksgiving at the Saare household - who wants to come join us??

Techno Viking vs. Feindflug

Give it until 1:02 and prepare to - well prepare to something, I laughed personally, it's so unexpected!!

Another Day, Another Appointment

I went to the Neuro yesterday - there is a LOT going on with my head and neck. The last few weeks it's gotten so bad I barely sleep or function anymore. This time around I was placed on a steroid regimen, a daily muscle relaxer (I do not like these things at ALL) and pain medication (as needed only). They are giving it two weeks and if it doesn't work, I have the go ahead for the nerve block (I would prefer to try this but she keeps putting it off).

Which brings me to the TMI session of my blog. Please stop here if discussion of a sexual nature embarrasses you...

Okay so who's heard of a Coital Headache? I didn't know such a thing existed...until I thought my head was bursting because of an brain anuerism following a make-out session with the hubs. I brought up my little problem with my doctor (blushing profusely all the while) and found out about these little gems. Talk about a literal "I can't honey, I'll get a headache". Sheesh!

Twilight

I can only blame myself for the things I'm about to bitch about, after all, I chose to go see the first showing of Twilight in my area at 11:59pm last night. The minute we arrived and picked our tickets up from the little machine (thank goodness for pre-ordering) I knew we were in trouble. The lot was full and tween's were EVERYWHERE.

Before I start, let me say, I enjoyed the movie. However, as far as films go - it's pretty weak. That's not saying I didn't like it, I did. The problem is, as my dear husband pointed out after I asked how he liked it - "uh, well - it's just a vampire love story. It's okay." Sometimes things just don't translate all that well to the screen (so the lion fell in love with the lamb - favorite line in the story, it made me cringe in the movie). Oh - Robert Pattinson is amazing here, he did an incredible job portraying Edward. It's too bad he's just become the poster boy for Bop magazine!

So without further ado, here is a rundown of what it's like to see Twilight at the first showing, among tweens that should be home in bed.

We get there and immediately notice the 'I Heart Edward' t-shirts, Bella and Edward Forever! stickers on shirts (worn by 20 year old young men no less) and people carrying copies of their Twilight books in hand. We wait to get into the last theater, watching in awe at the number of 8-10 year olds accompanying their very responsible parents, eventually getting our seats and settling in. I should also mention the very smart adolescent males out in force, attending in groups of 3-4, attempting to flesh them out some horny teenage girls looking for a real life Edward (sorry guys, hate to break it to you - you ain't him and you never will be to these girls!)

We arrived early and during that hour we are subjected to a contest for Twilight buttons and pictures, during which time tweens lose their shit, screeching and fighting over pieces of metal and paper. Camera's came out, pictures were snapped left and right, the blubber and hubbub was incredible. People bickered over who was hotter, Edward or Jacob and girl's acted in the exact ways I hated in high school. (I just know I'm going to be cursed and Arwen or Annabel will act like a total airhead, saying things like "I'm totally hyped up dude!")

Eventually the dust settled and the movie started and things got really good!

The very second Edward glides into the background of the screen, the girls started to squeal, swooning so loudly Jimbo looks over at me with wide eyes screaming OMGWTF! (okay he didn't look exactly like that, more like 'are you serious?!') This continues for the rest of the show. Edward could have farted and the girls would faint (not joking either) and when he's around Bella, saying such sweet nothings, I heard many a virgins lose their proverbial cherry.

This morning I woke up tired (getting to bed at 2:45) and my first thought was - how many school absences are going to get marked down this morning and how many parents will lie for their children (and themselves) when the school calls to say Sue or Johnny didn't make it in to school this morning? My second thought was - I have to do this all over again since my Mother-in-Law wants to see it as well and I promised to go back with her.

Hopefully if we wait a week it won't be so bad - right? Who am I kidding, this ship is going down Titanic style. Complete with Leo worshipers and their Mothers. Bah!

Interesting Words

Do you ever come across a saying, word or phrase that tickles you silly? Maybe I'm just weird (read that to mean too damned BORED) and I find humor in the most minuscule of things - but I still want to share. Without further ado:

My word of the week is - scuzzlenut.

Last weeks expression that I couldn't let go of? The one bestowed upon my by my loving scuzzlenut husband after I chewed into the sales person at AT&T - "Go-go Gadget Bitch!"

Keeping it in Perspective

On days like today, when my children are at their worst and I want to crawl back in bed indefinitely, I remind myself of how lucky I am.

My cousin Lee is a 28 year old guy, nice as he can be, always willing to help lend a hand or offer a friendly ear. He's had a hard life, starting from birth. His Mother decided it would be okay to drink while he was in her womb and he suffered horribly after he came into the world. And the cruelest thing is now, years later, her choices are doing him in yet again.

His heart is failing. His young body is slipping away. And he's trying to be strong and sustain himself on his faith. But he's going to die and he knows it. It's only a matter of time and he's hoping it's later rather than sooner.

So in spite of the head lice, bickering children and chores that never end - I will be grateful. If today were your last day, would you really want to spend it being petty or cold hearted?

Feels Loved

Tania and Lawfrog nominated tagged me. I feel loved and I wanted to say I love you back to both of them!

1. Where is your cell phone? Charging

2. Where is your significant other? In the next room, on the phone, he's worse than a woman, I'm not kidding!

3. Your hair color? It was blond until I started coloring it 10 years ago, I have no clue what color it is now.

4. Your mother? Says "Know what I'm sayin?" too much

5. Your father? The first love of my life

6. Your favorite thing? Blessed Quiet

7. Your dream last night? Bah! I had one but now it's a big blank!

8. Your dream/goal? To survive past the teenage years with my brood

9. The room you're in? Office

10. Your hobby? Writing

11. Your fear? Losing my family

12. Where do you want to be in six years? If things stay like this (minus the lice!) I'll be happy!

13. Where were you last night? The Ponderosa

14. What you're not? A sugar coater

15. One of your wish list items? An Ipod - I know, I'm thinking BIG!

16. Where you grew up? Alabama

17. The last thing you did? Took a shower

18. What are you wearing? flannel pants and a t-shirt that says "Knocked up Again!" from the Annabel pregnancy...god that's lame.

19. Your T.V.? FOOTBALL BABY! Roll Tide!

20. Your pet? Ceasar the wonder dog and Toby the wonder cat

21. Your computer? Dell

22. Your mood? frazzled

23. Missing someone? Not at the moment.

24. Your car? Pffft- It's all about the Minivan in this family!

25. Something you're not wearing? perfume

26. Favorite store? Tarjay - I'm not hard to please!

27. Your Summer? Hot!

28. Love someone? Several someones

29. Your favorite color? Red

30. When is the last time you laughed? About an hour ago

31. Last time you cried? A few days ago watching the Notebook

And I'm nominating ERIN. She's a hoot and a hollar. I always love reading her blog and seeing all the awesome creative things she's made!

Lice - I hate you!

Ode to Head Lice

It starts as a tingle
And becomes a scratch
Your children start to complain
Then they start to thrash

Oh No, you say
Please god don't do this to me
You pull out the Robi comb
And oh boy guess what you see

Nasty ass critters
Taking shelter in your childrens heads
Now it's time to clean
So you go and strip the beds

Next comes the fun part
Time get the husbands help
Listening to your children scream and yell
As you nit pick their little scalps

But the best is yet to come
Don't get comfortable yet
Three weeks worth of diligence
Ain't exactly a sure bet

Because these disgusting bastards
Don't simply thrive to piss you off
They are a creation that given the opportunity
Will survive a nuclear holocaust

I've nit picked and combed
Barked and bitched
Finally getting my children clear
When my head starts to itch.

Now that my poem is out of the way - I'm not afraid to say it damn it, so why am I hesitating? Bah! Our house has started all out war with head lice. We got rid of the little fuckers and they are back. This time with reinforcements.

When we are back to our normal lives and I'm not running the washer and dryer night and day, I'll be able to blog again.

Sleepless Nights

How many nights can a person successfully sustain themselves with little to no sleep?

I'm on 15 months and counting.

No wonder I put the milk into the cabinet this morning instead of the fridge.

You know when...

You know you're life is chaotic when your 6 year wedding anniversary is fast approaching and you completely forgot about it until yesterday.

We figure we'll take in a movie and maybe go out for dinner. It's amazing how time, and more importantly children, change those "plans". We always swore we'd go on a trip for our 5 year anniversary and maybe even venture to Italy or some other dream locale for our 10. But thus far it's been: Us, dinner and a movie.

Cousin "It"

Tonight, while at Hell-Mart, I noticed a teenage boy with his parents. Why did I notice this one boy in particular in the midst of all these strangers? The truth is - his hair.

His face was completely covered, from forehead to chin, with thin and greasy strands.

I watched him with his family as they walked the aisle, wondering how in the hell he could see, staring even though it was wrong.

I once told my Mom I'd prefer to have an emo child rather than rear a football player or cheerleader (weird? maybe. But I was a 'dark side' kinda gal in High School myself) but after seeing cousin IT...I think cheering on the sports team isn't so bad.

Wedding Ring Exchange Fail

Now that's something I'd never forget!

Dennis Leary

You've got to love AN IDIOT AT HIS BEST.

To summarize, Dennis Leary has published a new book which I confess I have not read (and I also admit I will not be reading) in which he says:

"There is a huge boom in autism right now because inattentive mothers and competitive dads want an explanation for why their dumb-ass kids can't compete academically."

Of course now he is clarifying "what he meant" by that remark and he says he has nothing but respect for families that have autistic children. Hey Dennis, while you're at it, why don't you go out and bash the comedians that have no fucking concept of what the hell they are talking about - as evidenced by a well known one that recently opened his mouth, shoved his foot inside and tried to explain afterward what he meant.

It's not humor if it's not funny - it's just tacky and sad. So is resorting to insulting children by calling them "dumb-asses". Good luck with that best seller brother, I'm sure you don't need the support of the autistic community to make it a winner!

Mom Confession of the Week

I will not lie to my children and give them the false hope that pimples miraculously vanish into the acne oblivion when you 'get older'. Thanks for lying to me Mom. Did you think I wouldn't find out?

The "Wilderness"

Only in Redneckville would you come outside to wait for the bus and see Bambi standing in your front yard. It was pretty surreal but also pretty damned cool. If I do say so myself.

So what if I can't make a run to the border for some Taco Hell. I have deers and shit at my casa!!

Look what "I" made Mommy!!

My dear sweet Annabel is - beautiful, funny, and lovable. She is also cranky, sleepless and clingy. There is give and take, it's to be expected. So it really should have come as no surprise when she unveiled her new favorite "thing" - if you will.

My sweet baby girl loves to play with her poop. The first few times I figured: dirty diaper + too small = hands in poop. But I got smart to her game when I saw her grunting and reaching into her diaper.

What started out as something we all laughed about has now turned into the most repulsive game of cat and mouse. Now I hawk eye her with one thought churning in my brain -

Must.Not.Let.Baby.Play.With.Poop.

My husband, of course, thinks it's funny, reminding me she is just sharing what she so proudly "made herself". I think this weekend I'll leave him for a few hours alone with her. I don't think he'll find it so funny when it's his shirt, hands and potentially face, covered in steaming shit.

Annabel, so adorable, so sweet...so disgusting.

I never thought I'd hear...

Vincent and Logan : MOMMY! There's a french fry in the toilet!

**LOUD FLUSH**

Vincent and Logan: Bye bye, french fry!!

Seriously, I never thought I'd ever hear that. As for the real world. My PC finally just went ka-plow and we had to order a new one. The one one arrived and I just have to get my email back up and running. I hope no one has emailed me and I've not responded, if so, you know why. Now I will be back to speed and blogging more often (2 weeks for an entry, blasphemy!!)

I survived fall break but I'm sure some new gray hair is forming under my impressive Feria dye job. I also found out my thyroid issues have returned. At first I thought I needed to lay off the food, but now I know no dieting in this world will help.

And to all you husbands out there (and wives too). If your spouse has snot spread across their shirts from your offspring, gaping at him/her with mouth wide isn't exactly helping. Just lift your jaw and curb your disgust and tell us "hey, you have snot all over you!" Then we can go change and not feel like a total douche when the FedEx guy arrives and stares like we're the most disgusting creature since Smeagol.

And finally, a picture of the baby girl. She's growing so fast!!

Neglect

I know the last few months I've neglected my blog as well as the blogs of all of you I adore. I apologize. It's not intentional, believe me. My self imposed internet hiatus is due in large part to necessity.

Annabel continues to be a huge problem. As much as I adore my baby girl I am still scraping by on 4 hours of sleep a night max (I get an additional 3-4 on Saturdays and Sundays when Jimbo allows me to sleep in, bless that man). So each new day I'm dragging even worse than the one before.

Logan has reverted to his "stimulus" behaviors. This means he'll be totally normal one minute and thrashing his head and arms around the next. This is a huge concern. Right now he's academically ready for kindergarten but if he disrupts the classroom...it will cause problems. So we're working on that.

Vincent absolutely refuses to potty train. It's a nightmare and I'm so tired of cleaning doodie that could belong to an adult. So we're still trying to get that going.

And Arwen. She's been pretty good recently. Making A's on her tests, reading like a fiend (she's amazing, reading level 3 readers) and being good natured. Then the pesky critters from her school arrived and she's been in a funk. She doesn't understand why she can't hang all over the baby or her brothers. It's pretty sad to be truthful.

So to everyone - I Miss You! I've been catching up on all your old entries and when the kids settle I'll be sending out some emails (you know who you all are!)

Daughter Humor

As she's being nit-picked (pun intended) and I'm grossing myself out combing through her hair (I'm a serious bugphobe) Arwen turns to me and says:

They were just having a party inside my head and then you showed up and ruined it!

I laughed so hard I tripped over her chair and nearly busted my hiney. So there is something to be learned from this - always find the humor in something, it makes surviving it so much easier.

P.S. I won't go into how she thinks the bugs are "cute" - WTF?

Had to happen sooner or later...

Last week I noticed what I assumed was heat rash on Arwen's neck. As any of you that have read my blog know, she has ezcema and has break outs from time to time. No big deal, I put hydrocortisone on it and figured it would get better. This morning I got out the cream before she went to school and she started scratching her head, complaining it "itched". Do you see where I'm going with this??

So I put down the cream, started looking around in her hair and I saw what my dumb ass thought was fleas. We had the rabbit inside last night and I thought, it's just from the pet. Then I found another...and another... I called my Mom in panic, having zero clue what the nastiness was. A quick google search later confirmed what she thought. Our household has it's first case of Lice.

I'm trying the new Cetaphil treatment that's supposed to work wonders. I've yanked off the sheets and pillows and have bagged the stuffed animals. But here is what pisses me off. Being the concerned parent I am, I contacted her school. That is the right thing to do isn't it? Warn the other children and their parents that lice may have found it's way around the school. Well, it seems they "don't contact parents or do lice checks" anymore. They only check a child if a teacher has a concern and then they send him/her home.

If I get rid of this shit and she comes down with another case of it I'm going to personally go down there and shake her scalp out on the Principal.

*thus far the other kids have checked clean but bless them, I'm doing the cetaphil treatment on them too to be safe.

Cheap

It seems my potty mouth isn't the only thing my children are picking up from me. They are also implementing my nifty little slang terms too.

Today Arwen was playing her video game and she got killed at random and I heard her yell:

"Well that was cheap!"

I say that all the time. Now my daughter does. The world is in so much trouble when my children reach maturity. I'm apologize in advance.

Selective Helping

I've decided to run away from my heathen children for a few minutes to blog about a phenomenon I've discovered and labeled personally. It's something that wasn't around in my childhood, back when a "no" answer would mean subjection to objects such as switches or belts. This new state of mind occurs when you ask your child to perform some menial task and depending on:

A. Their mood
B. Their mood
C. Their mood

They may or may not respect that request.

Example.

Today as I was cleaning the sink I asked my oldest daughter to go downstairs to keep an eye on her brothers and baby sister. I notice she doesn't respond immediately so I repeat the request, gazing up and noting she is no longer in the room. Instead she has chosen to retreat outside to feed her rabbit, thus doing something else that is fun versus productive.

Selective helping, my children suffer from it. Do yours?

It's called a CARSEAT

I'm about to pull out my soapbox and technically, I am a hypocrite for doing it but I think you'll forgive me when I explain. Without further ado...

After I dropped Vincent off at school today I made a quick trip to the Piggly Wiggly (yes we have one and yes I know - it's flaming redneck as hell) for a loaf of bread. I pull into the parking lot and park the van, reaching for my keys when I see it.

A man driving a small mazda four door of some kind cuts across the parking lot in an angle to pull along side me and in his lap is a very small toddler, I'm talking 18-24 months old. He throws the mazda in park and climbs out, toddler in his arms and walks inside. I shake my head at him (of course he doesn't see) and I go in and grab a loaf of bread.

While I'm waiting in the line the man comes behind me with the little boy, cuddling him and speaking softly to him. So either he loves the child or he's putting on a show. I take my time when I walk out the doors and strap Annabel in, walking around just as they exit the store. I glance over in the back of the mazda and a car seat sits empty. I wait to see what will happen.

The man comes around and opens the door and slides into the drivers seat, child once again in his lap. He slams the door shut and adjust himself and turns on the motor, ready to take a trip down the interstate with an infant on his lap.

What the fuck???

Now I realize we live in the country and I myself have allowed my children to take the wheel in my lap while on our road which is a cul de sac in the middle of nowhere. But I would never allow them to sit in my lap while driving roads where there is traffic.

I should have called the cops on the guy, I really should have. If I see an accident occurred on the news tonight and a child was killed because he was in his parents lap instead of his car seat I'll never forgive myself.

Dear Jimbo~

My Dear Sweet Husband~

When our 14 month old is hacking, possibly choking and you're wondering whether or not she needs assistance, a word of advice...

She is only 14 months old and if she is choking asking her "Are you ok sweetheart?" isn't likely to illicit a response.

Next time try actually walking over to access the situation, it could mean the difference between laughing or shouting "oh shit".

Much Love Sweets,

Your Wife

The Art of Cursing

Five years ago, my mouth was sparkly clean. Rarely would the f-bomb be uttered from these lips, only a random "damn" or "shit" in sight. Then something monumental occurred, a life changing experience that is supposed to make you want to keep things G-rated.

I had kids.

It started out small. A little "damn" when I dropped something or a little "shit" when I stuck my finger in...well shit. But eventually the small pleasure I derived from these phrases lost it's charm and another word worked itself into my potty mouth vocabulary. A word I always hated and made me cringe. A word that would have gotten me a slap to the mouth as a teen. I'm talking about the word, the big word, the F word.

The f-bomb is a frequent flier in my house. I'll drop it without thinking; when I drop a plate and smash it, when I stub my toe or when I step onto a hot wheels car (those miniature objects of metal and sharpness are the bane of my existence). But I realized the other day it's taken another direction. I also use the F word when I need to release built up stress from hours alone with diapers, Thomas the train, and laundry.

Sometimes when my day is shit and I'm ready to explode and the kids are screaming and fighting and I just want to blow, I just let it fly - Fuck! And then something inside me says, "ahhhhh" and I can return to my folding, chasing and wrangling - at peace once again.

So if the future generation that comes to you courtesy of my home have the mouth of a sailor, please forgive me, at least they won't be bullies, liars or thieves. Sometimes you have to strive for the obtainable. We're going to make Ozzy's family look like the Cosby's.

Two Men and a Wal-Mart

Dear Redneck Men who stood behind me at Wal-Mart,

First, I'd like to applaud you on your astute observations. Yes, it did appear that I was speaking to myself because yes, I was on a ear phone. I know it's a difficult concept to grasp. Conversations between people over digital phone lines is HUGE.

But it's the second thing I really want to thank you for. You know, when I leave my home with my little girl to visit the store for baby food, I don't dress up thinking I might score some toothless, wine guzzling fools who think I'll be so excited they think my "ass is meant for smacking" and things of that nature. Don't think I didn't hear you. I also thought that little thing you said while snickering and pointing at my daughter, "you've been busy" filled with sexual innuendo's was so classy. TOP NOTCH.

All I can say is this, pray I'm not alone the next time our paths cross. My daughter is the only thing that saved your crotch from my foot, shoving your balls into your throat and out your mouth.

Sincerely,

Going to "get busy" kicking your worthless ass

Ultimate BC Pill

Because I love you all and want to share a bit of my daily suffering I decided to upload this family gem onto my blog. This is an average day in my life - so fabulous, I know. (The poor schmuck you hear talking is Jimbo, it was his turn to wait inside the van while I ran into Hell-Mart for something)

Maybe I should submit this to America's funniest home videos. All that screaming should be worth 10,000 smackers.

No Rest for the Weary

Remember that little entry of mine entitled "Craptastic" where I shared my usual sleep time is around 4 hours that is constantly interrupted? Well, the sandman just jacked me again, thanks to that little bundle of joy named Annabel.

The last few weeks she has become increasingly difficult when it comes to sleep cycles. She wakes anywhere from 1-6 times per night. Each time I will check her and if she isn't wet will put her back to bed. She gets one nursing at her 12:00am wake-up (yes, like clockwork she wakes for this) and after that I've stopped giving it out. So she'll wake up and scream...and scream...and scream. Since she sleeps in our room this is problematic...we can't escape and therefore can't sleep.

Last night she screamed from 12:30 until 2:30 and I finally came downstairs on the couch. The sickness the kids shared with me forced me to go back up (while she was still screaming) at around 3:30. Around 4:15 I came back to the couch (she was still sqwalling) and passed out from exhaustion, waking up at 6:30 to start my day.

I'm at my wits end here. Crying it out obviously isn't working.

HIM - Bury Me Deep Inside Your Heart

I love this band and this song...it just makes me teary eyed for some reason. Give it a listen.

Ramblings

All of the children are sick and so am I. We've got some cold that causes a terrible runny nose, watery eyes and coughing. Today I'm holding the fort with Vincent, Logan and Annabel - all sick. Fun times, I tell you.

So this weekend I hit up Hell-Mart. I had too many things to buy and since I was feeling like puke I was rushing through the aisles. I was passing the toy section when I spotted her, recognition sinking in as she turned. It was my ex's sister Crystal. I approached her and the child in her cart. She was warm and friendly, asking where my children were. She didn't introduce the little boy so I asked tentatively, "is this your son?"

It was her son she told me and I could by his look that something was off, through our conversation she told me he was 14 weeks premature. He was an adorable child and I told her so, smiling at him. Then Matthew's Mom appeared and I couldn't help but hug her. We were close in the 5 years her son and I were a couple, it was amazing seeing her again.

At first our conversation was easy, then it turned odd. Crystal mentioned Shelia was going to be a grandmother again, quickly dropping it after. I don't know for certain but I'm assuming Matthew is going to be a Father and the funny thing? If he is I couldn't be happier for him.

After we parted I wondered if I should have asked about him. I didn't at first because it just didn't seem right. How do you broach the subject?

"Hey, how is Matthew doing these days?"

But I owe this guy so much, it was our time together that molded the woman I am today and I mean that in the most sincere and appreciative way possible. If not for that relationship I wouldn't value what I have.

So the past few days I've been pondering what I could have said to convey that to them, so they know I want him to be happy. I hope in some way seeing me, watching me proudly share pictures of my family, explained what I couldn't find words for.

Batteries not Included

Vincent has a problem.

He can't focus on his toys...

He can't play happily...

He can't be in a good mood...

All because -

Vincent has become fixated on batteries. Yes people, batteries.

It started a few weeks ago, he'd dig in the fridge for the batteries and play with them. I'd reprimand him and put them back only to find him digging around again minutes later. Now he's progressed to locating each and every item in our house that requires batteries and informing me:

"The batteries are dead!"

He's brought me toys, clocks, remotes, watches, and even the phone that wasn't charged. I hear that phrase probably 50 times a day. It's driving me insane. He even runs batteries down on his Thomas trains just to tell me the batteries are dead and to give him another.

I never thought in a million years I'd despise batteries.

Bright side of Life

I know everyone has moments in their life when they think:

"Why me??"

My moments have been coming around more and more often, especially in recent weeks. It's been a battle to keep a positive outlook. There are days when I am too tired to get out of bed but I do because the world doesn't revolve around me. My days are tied in with 4 other little lives and that keeps me on track most of the time.

The thing is, I really believe that some higher power sends people your way when these moments in life happen. These people can be strangers, family or someone you've met through an online venue such as a blog. And they have the ability to transcend the worries and chaos and bring a balance to your outlook.

So to my special person, thank you for lending your ear and thank you for being such a wonderful, caring and amazing person. I don't think I'd have survived the week without you. Now if I could just find the time to call so we could actually speak for a while sans kids - then all would be totally right with the world.

5 Years Old!!!

Super Powers

Jimbo: If you could have one super power what would it be?

Me: Hmmm, let me think a second. *pauses* What would you have?

Jimbo: I'd be able to fly.

Me: I'd be invisible, definitely.

Jimbo: Invisible? That's a lame super power.

Me: No it isn't, it's the most awesome super power in the world.

Jimbo (humoring me): Care to explain?

Me: Sure. What other power would allow me to go into movie theaters and snap people's phones off while they yapped away or better still, smack them on the head when they won't shut up. Now that would be a power worth having.

Jimbo: So basically you want a super power just so you can fuck with people?

Me: Pretty much.

Jimbo: Only you babe.

Repo! The Genetic Opera - Zydrate Anatomy

I have been anxiously awaiting this movie. I'm a huge fan of the Rocky Horror Picture Show and while this isn't exactly like that (more gore and violence) it's still right up my alley.

Check it out and see what you think, here is a short clip.

Craptastic

Thanks Mom, I know I sound 'Rough'. Maybe it's because-

I've averaged 3-4 hours of interrupted sleep for the last year.

I've changed 2 craptastic diapers this morning already.

The children destroyed the playroom while I was changing Annabel's outfit, meaning I haven't even had my cup of coffee.

The bus didn't come for Arwen and I had to load all the kids up to take her to school.

I'm still working on sorting the clothes in the children's bedrooms but don't worry, it's only taken me a week, I'm almost there.

The bathrooms are nasty so I get to do hardcore scrubbing Cinderella style - that always brightens my day.

Oh and the kitchen needs mopping - why don't the birds, mice and shit help me out when I need them?

So yeah, I sound rough. You might not want to call back today, I can't say there will be much improvement. But thanks.

Bog of Eternal Stench

There comes a point in every Mom's life when she wishes for one thing and one thing only - a potty trained child.

My two oldest did pretty well, Logan especially all things considered. And now it's Vincent's turn. He is 3 years old but soon he'll be 4 which means this diaper business has got to go. He has ZERO interest in the toilet and the more I sit him on the throne the less he wants to be there.

The problem isn't actually sitting like a prince on the crapper, he hops up there like a champ. Thing is, he immediately wipes, smiles and says "ALL DONE!" proudly. There is no business being taken care of, no deposit of any sort and I don't know how to get him there.

My nose hair has fallen out from the diaper induced stench. I'm hoping for progress at this point but praying for miracles.

Someone needs to get a GRIP

Nothing beats drama, unless of course it's good internet drama, or better still, good internet drama by rabid Twilight fans.

So here's the deal, after Breaking Dawn's release one week ago the camps have been split in two:

The Breaking Fails v/s The OMGBreakingDawnisthebomb!

Basically, you either love it or hate it. Sure there is middle ground but it's pretty sparse in comparison. I've been browsing (and partaking) in some heated debates on the Amazon.com threads and it gets as hot as a june bride bareback on a hot stove. Many people are passionate about the books, stating (as I have):

Twilight is a Trilogy

Many wish Breaking Down, excuse me, Breaking Dawn never existed. And then it got ugly. The Twilight Lexicon which is a base for fans to meet and discuss the books has rewritten it's "manifesto". It contains juicy nuggets like this:

1. The Twilight Saga is comprised of four books. It is not a trilogy. You may have wished that the books stopped at three, but they didn’t, and this site is a fan site for all the books in the Twilight Saga. We firmly stand by the canon as established in all four books. It all really happened. If you want to pretend Breaking Dawn never happened, that’s fine, but on this website there are no banners, avatars, sigs to that effect, and discussion acknowledges and concedes that all events contained in the four volume series exists. Denial of canon has no place on this website.

It's would be idiotic if it weren't so damned funny.

Here's a thread about it: Fails So Bad

When Grandma goes to Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness.

"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why yes, I know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy and quite frankly, you are a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes I know you."

The lawyer was stunned, not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked:

"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said:

"If either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

Best Quote Ever!!

Brillant Strategy, thanks Napoleon!!

Tom Servo From Mystery Science Theater. Spoken after Ruth's space tube opens to a mutant attacking her and she is instructed to "Run, Ruth, Run!!"

Birthdays & School Days

The 1st Birthday, she's grown so quickly!!


Before we know it, she'll be in school. Here's Arwen's picture, she started 1st grade this year!

Breaking Dawn Pt. 2

Since Tania posted, I think it's safe to review why I disliked the book so much. Warning, it does contain spoilers!!!

Initially, I thought I'd enjoy the read very much. The wedding scene is sweet, still in tune with the previous novels. They go onto their honeymoon, still the same. I expected any type of love scene to be faded to black so that didn't bother me. But I noticed immediately in the concerns of bruises from their love making her talk of "hunger" and "fatigue". Oh no, I said to myself. Please god don't go there with this book. Don't make it a cliche...and then it happened and I boarded the Breaking Dawn express train to hell.

There are several things I dislike about the book. The major problem being it's not written the same, doesn't feel the same and doesn't treat the characters the same as it's predecessors. Jasper gets a new nickname, as does Rosalie. You never hear anything from the Cullen's other than random observations or chuckles. There are no believable romantic elements between the protagonists (endless "talks" of sex is not romance) and the story warped after the birth, switching to a Mary Jane-esk scifi/paranormal story I couldn't believe I was reading.

There were the plot holes (how did she get pregnant? and how did Alice know exactly where to find more of Renesmee's kind?), lazy writing (why didn't Carlisle just insert that blood into her started IV?), and various other things a person thinks of after they've closed the book.

The baby was an easy way to zip this book up. It gave Stephenie the chance to end the book neatly.

Nessie - Bella has to be transformed by Edward, he can't cop out or she will die.
Nessie - Her pregnancy forces Jacob to break from his pack so he can be around to tell his
portion of the story.
Nessie - Imprints with Jacob - neatly finishing out his story.
Nessie - Threatens the Volturi - got to have angst, even if nothing comes from it.

And that's what it all comes back to, convenience. Because after all is said and done, we never even get a bitch slap. Instead Bella throws out her super "love" shield and saves the day. Everyone goes home happy, Huzzah!!

I have to ask, where the hell was that "love shield" on their honeymoon, it might have saved the series! LOL

Is it ok?

I put the dog outside for peeing on the floor. So it's ok to do the same for my son, right?

Mom Confession of the Week

There are such things as vampires. I currently have 4 living under my roof and they are slowly sucking the life out of me.

That Does It!!!

All last week I begged, I pleaded, I explained and I even went so far as to show my daughter and sons how to clean up after themselves. I told them repeatedly that if they didn't make the effort to clean after themselves, I was throwing their things directly into the trash.

Today was a long day, full of crying and fussing, arguments and tantrums. Then at nap time they wouldn't go down, waking Annabel. I walked up the stairs and was greeted by the biggest mess the world has ever seen.

And I snapped.

I walked downstairs and grabbed several trash bags and proceeded to Arwen's room where I started grabbing and stuffing anything and everything I found. She asked me what I was doing and I responded, "teaching you a very valuable lesson". She started screaming and yelling so I did what she had coming, I busted that hiney and then returned to my task.

I have emptied her room of every object laying on the floor out of place, including her video games. They are currently sitting in garbage bags. I have decided that we will NOT purchase anymore toys for any of the children. The boys rooms are next as well as the playroom.

Their next shopping excursions over the next couple of months will entail good behavior in exchange for ONE thing. And if they keep making messes I will continue to bag it up. I'm sure the goodwill has plenty of children who would love to take advantage of my children's wastefulness.

Breaking Dawn

Breaking Dawn. Bought it at 12:00am this morning. Stayed up all night reading it.

.

I don't know what Steph was a smoking but she totally ruined the series with this book so do yourself a favor, stop at Eclipse and make up your own ending. You'll be much happier - trust me.

Fricking Fracking!!

My email still refuses to let me send stuff, so Jimbo will be accessing my email at work and sending it out for me.

Just letting a special someone know. ;)

Message

What kind of message do you think it sends when your 13 year old, in a fit of rage, breaks not one but two of his $200 glasses and then informs you that he wants contact lenses and he will only break any other glasses you buy? And you get angry and tell him - rightfully so- that you will not buy him contacts and he can forget it. Only to reneg on your original promise later because - well - he needs to see after all.

I have an idea. Get some black electric tape, ply those pieces together and have him go to school Steve Irkel style. If that doesn't clear up his attitude then at least he'll realize for once you mean business.

Crazy in Alabama

First, the news story that inspired the entry HERE. Preacher's wife found dead in freezer, never reported missing, body has been there 3 years.

I know sickos roam all across the USA but we have our share here. This story reminded me of something that happened years ago when I was just a child.

One day we'd went yard selling, pulling through the back of the trailer park. I was in my Momaw's maroon Chrysler and we rounded the hill when I saw the police, ambulance crews and cadaver dogs. Back then the news crews weren't tipped off early on so they hadn't arrived.

As we drove by, my child's mind thought it saw an arm leaned against a tree, near the ground. Of course, I told myself it wasn't what I thought it was and we drove by to Momaw's house.

I would discover later it was indeed an arm I saw as the man who lived in the house with his wife and children got pissed, killed her in the trailer and then cut her up, burying her under the new porch and then painted the sucker red to cover the stains. She was reported missing by him - he claimed she had skipped town and the smell (and obvious freshly painted porch) led police to her body.

Crazies in Alabama - the not so nice place to live when your husband is a psycho.

Some Crazy, Well you Know

Last night as the most freaky, scary and honestly weird thing I've experienced.

I was in bed, trying to drift off when I noticed this odd - how do I describe this - tingly/pain in my left leg. When I reached down, my foot was cold. I moved it around, flexing my calf muscle and tried to fall back to sleep when my left arm starting going numb and got the tingles.

I had to stop sleeping on my right side and moved to my left in an attempt to change blood flow and it helped at first but it just did the same thing. Left leg was numbish and painful, as was the left arm.

I had a test on my nerves in these a few months back and it came out alright. I've also had a MRI scan which was clear too. I have no idea what it is, but it's freaking me out.