Nathan and Susan

When I began this blog I was at a very emotional point in my life. I'd just found out I was pregnant again and was unsure of how to feel. Then very quickly that worry turned to despair when I found out something might be wrong with the baby. After that I had to worry about my own health and it was one of the most difficult times in my life.

During that time, I came across a blog. The description lured me in "a SAHM of 3 and nurse to my 6 year old cancer kid". I began reading Susan's blog faithfully after. http://suzeo99.blogspot.com/

It is somehow so wrong that something like this can bring a person out of their own funk and self doubt. After reading each new blog I kept pushing forward in my own life. Determined that if Nathan could do it, then so could I. If his Mom could keep their family together in spite of everything then I would too. But something more occurred during my reading of each new blog as well. I became attached to this little boy and his family that I've never met, so much so that I began to talk to my extended family daily about them and their struggle.

I will always recall vividly, the morning I came down to my computer with Annabel and found out Nathan had passed. I always go to Susan's blog first thing when I get on and I saw it and began to weep. My husband heard me and came to see what was wrong and his face dropped when he looked on the screen and saw the cause of my sorrow.

This little boy has touched so many and his Mom was so strong she openly shared him and her family during his battle. That takes alot of courage and love. Thank you Susan, your strength allows those like myself to keep going forward. You've touched more lives than I think you realize.

No Better Sleep in the World!

The last few weeks have seen little sleep coming my way. Annabel wakes often as I continue to "nurse on demand". I'm not rushing a set schedule with her since I stay at home and honestly at this point don't "have" to. This causes me to lose major zzzzz's at night and I wake pretty darned tired each and every morning.
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Then this past week, the household has been sick. I've personally been carrying this cold for 4 days now and for the past 2 continue to lose my voice. I'm achy, have a sore throat and worse of all, my monthly friend is taking this time to reintroduce herself into my life (after tubal) so I'm in a bit of pain. Top that with all of my children waking each night and wanting "Mommy" to come soothe them back to dreamland.
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Luckily for me, Logan and Arwen returned to school today and Vincent woke up at 6:30 am. So I went about the morning as usual and after lunch it was time for nap. I carried Vince and Annabel upstairs, got Vincent comfy and set for a loooong nap and then took myself and Annabel to my bed.
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Yes, I am aware of the dangers of co-sleeping BUT I've slept with every child of mine at night for the first month or two. Naptimes are prime co-sleeping times due to the fact I have the entire bed to share with her and I can nurse her in the middle with a pillow along her other side and we can both fall asleep together. This is exactly what I did today.
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I woke up 2 and a half hours later and felt soooo much better. Then I got to look down into my baby girls sleeping face and kiss her softly. I'm positive there is no better sleep in the world.

Reach out and smack someone

Logan's party went very smoothly (aside from the sickness that still lingered). We picked up his spongebob cupcake cake and I had the place decorated. Family arrived, we had cake and ice cream, he got tons of toys.

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It's amazing to witness each and every "birthday" of my children. I am reminded of the day I held them first in my arms and love to pull out pictures each time and reminisce on the experience and all that has happened to bring us where we are today as a family. I truly live for each and every one.

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But as is the norm in my house, nothing goes by without some sort of problem or "hitch". I've become accustomed to this and just prepare myself that something can and will probably happen. It's easier to accept than if you are expecting a wonderful day with no drama.

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My husbands relatives showed up for the party (none of mine did but that's a story for another blog). I didn't mind and sat down with them to talk just prior to cake and ice cream. Problem is...Jim's cousin Jay showed up with is wife Lorie and their two boys, Caleb and JJ.

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I'd been told of Lorie's desire to have a girl while she was pregnant with Caleb (he is about 8 months old now). When she found out she was carrying a boy she was very sad and I felt for her. I understood how it feels to want one sex but I also remembered that no matter what you have the love is no different afterward. After Caleb's birth she had a tubal ligation. Jay is 46 years old and does not want more children, Lorie is 36 and did. Jay has already said once in the presence of family that he didn't want to tell Lorie about Annabel's birth (she was two weeks old before Lorie found out we had a girl, we'd waited to find out sex until the birth) due to the fact "she might want to reverse her tubal".

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So as I sit with Annabel, Lorie points to her and prods Jay. "Look at her!" and Jay completely ignores Lorie and my daughter. Then Lorie asks to hold her, this grabs Jays attention. "Don't hold that baby, you might losen your tubes". Thinking he is joking I almost laugh until he continues "if you wanted another you shouldn't have gotten your tubes tied". My smile vanished and the urge to reach out and slap the hell out of this man overtook me! I was so fracking pissed!!!

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How dare he address his wife and mother of his children in such a cold, hateful way? In front of family no less! Had that been Jimbo I'd have given it right back but Lorie just sat there and said nothing. A part of me feels badly for her yet another part feels that you are only a doormat if you allow yourself to become one. I feel for her and her desire to have a daughter but I also realize that even had she gotten pregnant one more time she may have had a boy again. It's a 50% lottery each time.

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Once Jay and his crew left (immediately after cake and ice cream, they didn't even stay to allow JJ time to play with the children) things returned to normal. We all chatted while the kids destroyed my wonderfully clean house. I was so angry I brought up Jays behavior (he completely ignored Annabel before and I was still angry about that brush off) and was happily surprised to have his mother and sister both agree his behavior was out of line and rude. I told them that next time, I'm calling him out on it. I won't ruin my sons birthday but on a regular day all bets are off.

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After everyone left, I tucked my newly minted 4 year old boy into bed and told him how much I loved him and about the day he was born. I kissed him and hugged him tightly and made a memory I can hold on the days when I need them most.

Surprise!

I'm not sure why this has happened to our happy family yet again but...

Our bundle of joy you want to choke sometimes aka Arwen woke up Wednesday complaining of a sore throat. Now, seeing as how she always complains of some ailment prior to school, my husband brushed her off. She was not running a temp so he told her to start getting ready. As per her norm she doesn't listen to dear old Daddy-O and runs to me instead.

"My throat hurts". So I pry open her mouth and take a look. The tonsils are definately swollen. I take a feel on the outside...yep she's got something.

I inform the hubbie that he can head on to work, that I'll have to get Arwen into the doctor. Upon inspection Doc informs us she has tonsilitis and a nice contagious cold. We get her meds and return home. I tell her she is to remain in her room to keep us from catching the cold she's got. As usual she doesn't listen to me and is busted downstairs on more than one occassion with her brothers. I also find her touching the baby while I'm preparing our dinner.

In the course of 3 days, due to our generous daugther and sister, we all have this funk now. And the worst part? Tomorrow is Logans 4th birthday.

Thanks sweetheart, nothing says I love you like a good cold with chills, fever and body aches.

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**the same thing happened on Christmas eve 3 years ago. Vincent has just been born and Logan got a seriously bad cold, which we all passed around for a week. Fun stuff.

School Money

As you probably gather, I don't know a heck of alot about school and how it works. My daughter is currently initiating me on the ups and downs. At first I was excited. I would get to do homework with my daughter and plan out her snacks and meals daily (and help out when I have the opportunity at school). The one thing my silly little brain didn't take into account was money and just how much the school would be asking for...

First I should mention, the institution our daughter attends is a private one that we pay for and it isn't cheap.

Ok first I have to buy things that coincide with being in a private school: uniforms. We forked out over $300 smackers for this, then we had to buy the school supplies, lunch box and sleeping mat, so that was another $100 or so, we'd figured on that too.

We get a letter in the mail asking for $25 to "buy supplies to help the class". Of course I'm confused since I just bought the school supplies in the first place, what supplies exactly do they mean and how will it go toward benefiting Arwen? We passed on this. Then we went to the parent/kindergarten meeting. Here we had to write a check for $9.95 to cover magazine costs for the year. Then we were asked to donate $10 or more to the PTO and then were directed to a board that had "items we'd like to have for the school" which had to be purchased in bulk at pretty high prices. We paid the magazine fee and passed yet again.

Then today I get an email asking for money again and this time people to volunteer for the lunch room (they've asked this numerous times in each email) and also someone to volunteer as head over sports and planning. So I've started to wonder...

Where exactly is the huge amount they are being paid PER student to attend this school going? At first I assumed naturally it would pay the staff and costs for the building, etc. But shouldn't some of those funds go to fund items and staff the school needs? Isn't it somehow wrong to expect people to continue to dig deeper and deeper into their pockets as well as their time after forking over checks monthly?

Perhaps it's due to the fact that this is a Catholic School and most of the families belong to that parish. Many of them are very well off (this is apparent when I see all those new shiny vehicles, chanel sunglasses and coach purses galore) and I suppose digging into their check books isn't an issue. For average Mom of 4 here it is however.

I want to do what's best for my daughter and her school yet I just can't justify paying all that extra money for things the school should provide (at least partially) from the money they receive from tuition. I'm fairly certain sadly that this trend asking for money won't stop in the near future.

I should also add, I would be more than happy to volunteer my time but have been told the school can't use help when you have one or more toddlers in tow. I suppose I should welcome myself to the world of being a school Mom huh?

It's called Autism!

It started out innocently enough. As a baby Logan didn't cry to be held, he didn't cry much at all in fact. He loved to be in his bouncer, a combination of a travel bassinet that raised up so he could see around. When his father or I would hold him he would become fussy after a short time and when we placed him back in his bouncer, he was happy again.

As he grew and became a toddler, he smiled and laughed. I became pregnant very early on with his younger brother, so perhaps I missed something along the way, I'm not sure. But by the time Vincent arrived, Logan had began to change somewhat, yet we didn't become alarmed. He enjoyed playing with his cars and we just figured he didn't want to play dolls with his sister. Then we noticed he stopped making eye contact, began keeping to himself and wouldn't respond when we called out to him.

At first my husband and I assumed he might have hearing issues (we thought he was actually deaf). We could stand directly behind him and yell his name and it would get zero response. We took him to a NET Dr. They sent us to have his hearing checked in a very hi-tech booth (which is VERY hard to do with a 2 year old) and it came back totally fine. We were at a loss, what was wrong with our child?

My mother in law saw a commercial around this time about autism and asked me if I'd seen it. She told me the child made her think of Logan. It took some time but I finally was referred (I wish I could recall by whom, I think it was my friend Kelly) to a program called Early Intervention. Their program deals with childhood developmental delays until the age of 3 and then helps place children in programs to help them with their needs. Our care coordinator and two workers came out to evaluate Logan. It didn't take long to discover he has high functioning autism.

At first I beat myself up. Was this my fault? Why didn't I catch it sooner? But eventually we got him into the program and shortly after he began a school like program part-time. The change was drastic. He began to speak (he still only uses 1 two 2 word commands, sometimes we get lucky and he will place 2 to 3 words together, such as "where are you?") socialize with the family and show affection again. It took some time but as a parent I am so grateful to see my child be a part of our family and not sit to the outside any longer.

Which brings me to the point of my blog. For some reason, there are still people in my family that function under the thinking that my child is mentally retarded. I've explained to these people time and again that Logan doesn't have any form of retardation, that he has a social and speech developmental delay caused by his autism. They shrug me off and the next time we speak they will ask how he is doing in "slow school". It's infuriating!

One of the main offenders is my very own Grandmother. I try to keep my cool and remember that she is getting on in age and is somewhat senile but it's very difficult. She constantly compares my son to her grandchild Jessica that was born with mild mental retardation. The two are nothing alike.

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It's hard for me as it is without worrying over people assuming my child is "retarded". (and for the record, even if he were, it wouldn't be ok say it so lightly) I already have to deal with the stares I get from parents standing waiting to eat lunch with their children and watching as my tiny toddler comes down the hall from his class (he is so small compared to the regular school children).

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I adore my Son. Hearing things like this or watching people in the family stare at him during get togethers when he softly (he speaks VERY softly) gives a one word command irritate me to no end. He isn't slow, stupid, or retarded people! It's called Autism!!!

I realize that in our society nowadays, anything goes and this is probably something I need to just get used to and move on. Everyone views things differently I suppose...like my father for example. To this very day he swears nothing is wrong with my son...since he spent the weekend with them months ago and my son followed a young boy visiting them around and mimicked what he said. I've tried to explain that copying behavior isn't a sign that he can do things on his own unprompted but my own father shrugs this off too.

Maybe it's a generational thing? Who knows (I wish I did).

It begins...

My daughter has found her "attitude". I've been told by others facing the same problem in the past "you just wait, you'll see". I always smiled and gave a laugh while thinking to myself "that will never happen to me, my daughter is an angel". Well let me tell you, I was delusional, I now see the light.

Arwen has always been a tomboy. I figured that would keep her pretty down to earth. I mean how prissy and bossy can you be while looking around outside for bugs? She began getting the 'tude a few months ago. I'd blindly hoped it was due to her not being a morning person (like her role model Mom here) and we could share our spiteful nature in the morning (and hopefully not kill one another as the years progress) but alas it is just not so. She is sour and ugly the entire day. Morning is just another time to get down right pissy.

I've taken away privledges, threatened and sent to her room, hell I've even spanked. Nothing works. She cries and screams (sometimes in a fine display of control she will throw herself in the floor, it's a sight) and when done returns to do the exact same thing that got her into trouble in the first place.

A part of me wonders if this is my punishment. I've been judgemental in the past when seeing absolute terrors in public with their parents and thought, "not me" or "why don't they bust that butt?" I realize now how stupid that thinking is. Some kids don't "get it" no matter what you do. Or maybe it's just us select few unfortunate parents that judged in the past that are getting a wake up call from the guy upstairs.

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No blog would be complete without a "story" to explain just how bad the situation in question is. So here you go:

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Yesterday I get a sitter and leave an hour before Arwen is due to be released from school. I get there first and am so excited to be first in line to pick up my little girl. When school releases it takes a bit to finally get her (that is another story for another day) and when she sees me she starts throwing an absolute fit "I'm thirsty!!!!!!!!!" I tell her to please calm down and try to keep my own cool while also watching my child throw a tantrum in front of other parents. I get her into the car and drive to McD's to get the child a sprite. During this time she has calmed (or else no sprite for her, no way) but as soon as she gets a draft of that frosty beverage up she starts again. "I don't like my teacher, she is mean! I don't like my hair, you did it wrong!!"..you get the point. I warn her repeatedly, "Arwen, if you don't stop, you're going to your room when we get home". Nothing works.

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Finally we reach the road that leads to our home and she starts yet again. I tell her this time "either you stop right now or I'm pulling over and you're getting a spanking". She replies, "no you won't".

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Needless to say, I pulled the car over, walked around the car, opened her door and gave a firm slap toward her leg. Sadly I smacked the seat belt clasp instead but I'd proven my point. She stared at me as if to say "wow! she actually DID pull over".

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Then I leaned close and whispered "next time I'm pulling YOU out of the car". I stood and put my hair back into place before turning around to see some person standing on their porch. I kept my head held high and walked back to the drivers side to slide into the car again. (I still have my pride damn it!)