Waiting for the call...

We went to the genetics clinic and had the Ultrasound II and Amniocentesis done. The trip there wasn't horrible at all, maybe 2 hours but finding a parking spot took almost an entire hour. We got into the office at around 1:45 and our appointment was at 2:15. For all of you out there who may have this done and you're curious what occurs, I'll share with you.

First, you go in, fill out the paperwork (already had mine ready) exchange insurance info and take a seat. After a few minutes you'll be lead to a room with another couple. There you will watch a video on what you can expect as well and what an amnio is like. Let me just say, this was very uncomfortable! There were two people across from me (both at least 10 years older than me) and you try not to look at them but it's rough. Then you have to watch this video on amnio and birth defects, it's just weird.

After the video, you are given consent forms to fill out and are placed in this large waiting room. When I entered there were 3 other couples (besides the other one that watched the video with us, that made 4) all nervously waiting. I felt so out of place due to my age. These people were all a good deal older than me. I talked to a couple of the people and one finally asked me "what made you come here?". Fun stuff let me tell ya.

You'll wait a good while. Finally when your name is called, you and the hubbie go into a room and meet your genetic counselor. This person explains how chromosomes work, how down's occurs, etc. They answer any questions, do a family chart, etc. They also make sure you want an amnio as well as the ultrasound. Our counselor was great, very nice and informative, but I hope I don't see her again. If there are problems with the baby she will become my support and explain everything to me. Also, here is where you tell them if you DON'T want to know the sex of the baby, make sure you tell them so you don't get the answer by mistake! (We like to wait)

After you're done with the counselor, you're taken back into the same waiting room and you get to wait and wait some more. There was one annoying lady in the waiting room who kept bitching "can't they just get me back?? I've been through this before you know." (she said that 7 times, I counted) She even told her husband right in front of me "we have to wait behind her and she will take at least 30 minutes" to which her husband replied "they need to be informed". I seriously wanted to slap the bitch.

Finally after a long wait, you are taken back. You are placed on a table much like at the OB's office and the ultrasound is turned on and you get the belly gel and off you go. A good 10 minutes is spent "measuring" your baby. During this time there isn't much talking. I know I said I wouldn't look but I found myself looking nervously anyway (so did Jimbo). Finally with the measurements done, the big Doc comes on board and takes over and starts looking the baby over from top to bottom. He'll ask you questions but it's not social, at least our Doc wasn't. After he shows you the baby's feet, lip, face, toes, spine, heart, etc he'll tell you if everything looks "ok" which ours did. (God what a huge relief) Then he says "so you want the amnio, ok let's get that ready).

Here is where I'll bitch. Let me start by saying, I knew it would be painful. But the video and the Doctor both kept saying "it's like a needle stick when you get blood drawn" or "it's really not painful at all". So I was on the table and as nervous as I was I was also relaxed by what I'd been told. I was expecting to feel the needle enter but that was it, no problem. He cleans my tummy, uses the ultrasound, finds a spot and it's time. When the needle is first inserted, it stings a bit. Fine, no big. So I'm laying there calm and cool when suddenly I feel this horrible "tug" and spontaneously jerk. The nurse grabs me and says "you have to stay still" and the Doc who is obviously pissed says "I have to reinsert the needle, you can't move". So I tell him, you should warn your patients to steel themselves since this DOES hurt. I would never have moved had I known. He ignores me, pokes again, I stay still this time. Then he gets inside the sack to collect the fluid and takes 5 tubes worth. This is painful because he has to "screw" on each tube and the needle rotates into your top layer of skin, stretching it, it feels nasty. When done he'll guide the needle out which is also very uncomfortable and when it's done, you're like "you bunch of fucking liars!". They gave me ultrasound pics, showed me the tubes with my name on them and shoved me out the door. There I paid my co-pay and had to walk 2 blocks to my car. So there is no "rest" time after amnio. They just shove you out the door.

All in all, it's not a bad experience. The amnio isn't the worst pain I've felt in my life (that would be gallstones) so it's bearable. I just tell you that it does hurt so you can brace yourself for what's coming. Not telling patients what to expect is unfair to them.

I'm now waiting for the FISH test results. These results take 24-48 hours and will show if the baby has any of the trisomy's. I'm very nervous. The actual amnio AFP's and other tests will take 2 weeks. Those tests study the actual chromosomes so we'll know if the baby has any mental retardation, etc that only the amnio can pick up.

I asked the genetic counselor how many women felt something was wrong and had the test. She told me several but "only a couple actually had any problems". Thank god. I hope I'm just another mental case.

Cross your fingers for us and say a prayer.

How do people deal with this?

Another day of waiting is upon me which means another day full of thoughts of what is the "right" and "wrong" thing to do concerning this pregnancy. I've read up on the Internet and found stories similar to my own and cried along with those Mother's faced with this decision and the choices they all made. One thing I found eerily similar is that the vast majority terminated the pregnancy when they found out the baby didn't have a huge chance of a quality life once born. And the one thing that I fear now is the ridicule from others upon making the choice to not carry to term.

I won't deny I'm terrified at this point. I don't want to look at the ultrasound and have decided to tell the technicians so when we go Monday. I don't want to see the baby if there is the distinct possibility we won't keep the baby. I know that sounds selfish but I can't help it. This deep rooted feeling of something being out of place has gotten stronger and I know my gut is telling me something. I'm trying to stay strong but when I return to these thoughts it just eats away at me bit by bit.

Then add to this the horrible cough/cold/fever/vomiting Jim and each of the kids have and it's just a bad week all around. I think bad luck is just finding its way to me or something. I got a paper to fill out in the mail the other day for Jury Duty. When it rains it pours.

It's funny, when I found out I was preggars, I was shocked and honestly not too happy about another pregnancy. But now facing the fact that this baby might not become a part of our family I realize just how much I was longing for another little one around here. I'd decided to have my tubes tied after the baby is born, then was thinking about having them tied after this pregnancy potentially ends, but I've decided to hold off on all of that. I'm pretty sure I want one more child and this time around we'll be prepared and I'll be fit and healthy.

I'm going to finally get set with a Neurologist and take care of these migraines as well as have surgery for this blasted gallbladder. Then Jim and I will make sure to prevent another unplanned pregnancy with BC and condoms (doesn't that just sound fun???) until we're ready to try again. I'm also going to pump my body full of folic acid for months in advance. That is if I still feel the same way a year down the road...which who knows?

My mom said something the other day that really hurt my feelings. She told me "once this has happened to you the odds of it happening again are really high". Now I know that isn't true. The odds of it happening now were very slim. I just don't know why she'd say that. I think in part she doesn't want me to have anymore children. I'm not sure why since we support them. Maybe she is genuinely concerned about me, who's to say?

Either way, I have alot to face before any of this happens, so I'll keep praying and hoping for the best.

And the wait begins....

Time is a funny thing. It is either something you love or something you hate. At the moment I don't like time much.

The trip to see the OB specialists is on March 5th, a full week away. After that day finally arrives I will have to wait an additional 7-9 days to get the results of my amnio. A large part of me wants to shout at these people "do you not realize that we are on a tight schedule here?? I'm almost 5 months preggo people!!" But there is no one to scream or rant at, only a letter in the mail requesting information. I'm actually going to make a call today to make sure the amnio will be set for me on that day.

My one aggrivation is my OB and his staff. They are the most uncaring and unsympathetic people imaginable. Everytime I call to find out a test result or to ask a question I can tell it annoys them. It's really sad when you don't want to call the one person that can give you answers since you're treated like an inconvience. I think I'll be finding another OB after this.

Another suck ass thing is my migraines have gotten worse and they are totally stress related. Anytime I get stressed out I get them and boy I've hit the motherload. There isn't much I can take but I do have some pain meds I take when it's unbearable, which is pretty often since the "news".

Jim and I are having a really hard time deciding what to do. We realize that we have to think of our children and how the choices made will impact them. I'm just fortunate that I still realize something isn't right and the baby still hasn't kicked. It's easier to make an informed decision when you can step back and think things clearly and logically. I don't want to distance myself from any of the reality of what is occuring but I do want to make my decisions based on the harsh truths that we're facing.

I'm going to get a shower and do some cleaning and watch the clock tic by one second at a time in between.

Your results came back abnormal.

Within two weeks of finding out I was pregnant, I felt something wasn't "right". I can't explain exactly how I felt or what warranted that inner voice telling me this but it did. For a month I shook it off, thinking it was nothing. My second OB visit no heartbeat was detected but I was assured this is normal that early on (which I knew being a 3 time Mom). During the wait for the next OB visit I let my husband in on the secret. "Something isn't right, something feels wrong" I told him. He was worried too and went with me the 3rd visit...and we heard a heartbeat, going strong at 153. "That is such a wonderful sound" I said and I watched Jim stop holding his breath. But still, even as this happened, that nagging voice told me "something still isnt' right". So when my OB came in and I told him this, he asked about the Triple test and my interest in getting one. (I'd refrained on getting these in the past except for one time and during that time it was more or less the first child and fear of spina bifida since it runs in the family, no "bad" feelings occurred then). I agreed to take the test and went off and donated the blood necessary.

Almost a week later, I get a call from my OB. He tells me "we got the results from your lab and they came back abnormal." I tried not to cry as I've braced myself with the knowledge for months now that something was wrong but I couldn't hold it back. He told me there is a chance of a false positive and wanted me to see someone to have a Ultrasound II and possibly a amnio if the ultrasound shows problems. So the entire day I waited and got the call the next day for my appointment in Birmingham next month.

This is without a doubt one of the hardest things I've ever faced in my life. Decisions have to be made and I have to step out of my own personal box and look at things from the perspective of my children. I have to take all things into account and what to do.

The amnio will not tell you exactly how "bad" Downs Syndrome will be or what other problems may be. It will only tell you for certain if the baby has Downs Syndrome (or what chromosome disorder we are dealing with). So the major choices still come down to you.

I ask for any prayers you can offer. I'll try to post between now and then...but it all depends on the circumstances. Mothers intuition is an amazing thing.

Sick kids and a temptation to kill the dog...

The best part of having 3 young children is that they pass sickness back and forth between each other very well. First my daughter had the funk, then she passed it on to her other brother who passed it on to the youngest brother. They all have runny noses, hacking coughs and fevers to boot. Gotta love it.

While dealing with this has been joy enough, I'm also blessed with our family pet, Ceazar. Ceazar belonged to my hubbie before we married and at first glance is a lovely looking critter. He's a 'red-tipped' Bassett hound around 7 years old. A little over a year ago, Ceazar got sick and $700 later in vet bills he went from being an outdoor dog to an indoor one and my life has been a nightmare ever since.

Don't get me wrong, I love animals, but this dog...maybe it's just not my breed. For one, he STINKS and I mean STINKS. He just carries this nasty hound odor and it makes me gag (especially in my first trimester). Moving on to the second complaint, he SHEDS. He sheds worse than a cat, his fur is everywhere. It doesn't matter how often we brush and wash, he still smells and sheds everywhere.

Now lets talk about his disposition. If I'd wanted a pet that doesn't listen, I'd have gotten a cat. Ceazar understands what you tell him but his royal majesty never listens. Case in point, the couches. He knows he isn't allowed on them but everytime a couch is left open for his fat ass to climb on there I find him sleeping. I immediately yell and knock him off but it doesn't matter. He just repeatedly does this over and over. He has his own bed to rest on but of course it's not good enough, he expects to live large.

When the couch isn't an issue his 'counter cruising' is. This dog will try to stand on his stubby back legs to get any food off the counter. He was actually successful in snatching a pizza (which was cooling to eat) off the table and proceded to eat it. I was livid. Thank god hubbie got to the dog before me, I was out for blood. He also loves to sit at the top of the stairs when the gate to the basement is closed hoping he can sneak by when we go up or down to look for food here. It drives me INSANE. Or better yet, his constant scratching that echos throughout the house in an annoying "thump, thump, thump....thumpthumpthumpthumpthump." There are other things, the licking himself at night in our bedroom (which wakes me and the hubbie often) or the falls caused by him not moving out of the way. I'm telling you, this dog is a winner .

The best part? He does this every single day. This stinky, shedding, lazy ass mutt acts stupid and tries to get by with whatever he wants. If he's outside (god forbid he stay outside, he's not meant for the outdoors!) he will whine...and whine...and whine. I purposely put him outdoors during dinner due to the searching for food. It's annoying when you're trying to eat and the dog is shoving the chairs around looking for a morsel. (Which let me add, he eats often and well, he's getting quite chubby) So I've started placing him outside where he will sit and serenade us with his high pitched whine until I break and open the door and throw a large glass of water into his face. If you have a dog that needs punishment give it a go, he takes off running everytime and I can feed my family in peace.

I've spoken with my hubbie about giving the dog away and he doesnt' say much so I know he doesn't want to. So I'll continue to live with the pest until his time comes and thereafter will never own another Bassett.

For those of you that love the breed, god bless ya. I'm glad to know that there are people that appreciate this kind of dog. Me personally? I'll take an English Springer any day of the week. I guess it's all in preference and what you're looking for in a pet.

/rant off, time for naps!

I love my rotten children.

Have you ever noticed mothers love to say "I love my children but ." I say it all the time. Being a mother is difficult because we feel guilty for expressing any negative feelings we might have about our youngins. That is why we feel the need to start every sentence or rant with that tag line, so here you go. I love my children BUT...

Sometimes they just drive me insane. My daughter is in preschool now, so her time to annoy is limited and usually I miss her during the day so the things she does to get under my skin (getting into my things, talking non-stop or asking questions non-stop, making a mess, getting make-up everywhere,etc) don't bother me so much.

My boys really know how to get it started. Logan is 3 and autistic, Vincent is 2. Together they cry, destroy and make messes of epic proportions. Vince should be employed as a professional cry baby. He cries on average roughly 8 hours per day. He starts from the moment he wakes, until he finally falls asleep. Just for good measure he makes sure to wake every night around 1am to cry some more. He is also quite good at throwing a crying 'fit' and will throw himself upon the floor and proceed to scream and thrash.

Then you have Logan. Logan doesn't talk much. It takes him really wanting something before he'll finally help you out with one word demands. "Drink, Eat, Yummies." Otherwise he will throw a tantrum and cry, while holding this or that and wanting you to fix it. You see, he is terrible about breaking his toys and when they break, he expects you to repair it. Unfortunately, some things are beyond repair. So he will just stand there, holding said toy, and crying for up to 30 minutes at a time. Sometimes he'll bring the toy back to you over and over and finally in frustration I'll usually throw the toy away since it is broken and it's presence will only cause another fit at some other time in the future.

Then we have the messes they make. God forbid I leave them to use the restroom. Usually if I do, when I return to the playroom, they will have their snacks and drinks smeared into the carpet. Due to this we are having tile or linoleum laid in the room. Carpet cannot survive these terrors. Add in the fact they have broken almost every single lamp we've brought in, we now have nothing of value in the room except toys.

Being a parent is tough, especially when you stay at home day in and day out with your children. We still love em' But...

Rude people and just plain sicko's!

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I've been a bit under the weather and my boys have colds. Got to love the winter time huh?

So today while surfing the net, I go to my favorite forums anywhere, makeupalley. I'm a nail polish junkie and I get my "fix" from the lovely ladies there. As a matter of fact, those little digits in the pic above are mine.

One of the gal's made a post regarding letter she received to her criticism over advertising and packaging of the nail polish Koibox. You see, the MUA poster had decided to look at the company's website along with her soon to be step-daughter who is only 8 years old. (She had received the Koibox polish Uncle Vince from a friend and wanted to see other colors) The site depicts a nude girl covered in what appears to be powder, her nipples are evident. Concerned, the poster sent a letter (email perhaps) to the company, voicing her issues with the nudity (nipples) and also with the packaging the bottle comes in. (Basically, the bottles are covered in a "wrap" so to speak that lists the ingredients as well as the polish color. With the wrapper in place the bottle is unstable and it is very difficult to paint your nails. The wrapper has to be removed to remedy this and in doing so removes the ingredients and color information.) Here is the response she received:

Well (***Name Removed***) seeing as how you took the time to voice your opinion and elucidate your rather obviously limited knowledge of branding, packaging and design, I thought I might also take some time too respond.First of all thank you for showing an interest in our product glad you liked the color of Uncle Vince unfortunately everybody does so that makes you.. not so astute.

As for the packaging, we let the professionals determine what is good and what is bad. When we designed the packaging for KOIBOX it was a deliberate move to "wrap" the bottle in a manner that was different and unique, that is what good branding and package design is about..stirring interest and conversation. I say this in confidence given the award KOIBOX received from Communication Arts Magazine 2002 Design Annual..Best of Packaging. The award was given along side a few other notable companies like Evian and Sky Vodka...but what do any of us know about package design especially Communication Arts Mag!I am certain that you don't even frequent a newsstand that carries such high brow periodicals.

As for your second issue. To begin with we did not intend to sell this product to women that are pent up with personal biases towards the beauty of the female body, in fact the reason we chose such a demure and unclothed women was to fortify the notion that all women are beautiful and the same in general terms...it is color and accent that makes them different to the eye of the beholder. You will notice that the model was dusted in white and posed in a manner to suggest that she was not the focus or the impetus for our campaign..the polish is. I feel sorry for your daughters that they should grow up in an atmosphere that obviously has disdain for the female body and anatomy..remember they too carry the same equipment and should be proud of it.

As far as you and your friend are concerned...sounds like one guy was dumb and the other was glad of it.The TITS stay.Go find another product to bitch about... Quaker.

Best,***Name Removed CEO Koibox***(If you want his name please click on the link below, it will take you directly to her post)

PS. check our feature out in the March Issue of Lucky Magazine..just another publisher that doesn't know anything about women.
http://www.makeupalley.com/board/m.asp/id=50225197/iPN=1/

Now isn't that just a lesson in customer service? I certainly hope he doesn't deal with all of his clients in this manner! Of course, I will never purchase anything from this vendor after reading this. As with anything of this nature, some claim the post to be a hoax. Personally I am still waiting to see how Koibox responds to this claim before I decide. They haven't responded in 3 days thus far, doesn't look good for them in my opinion.

As far as the advertising. More than one person has compared the nude girl modeling the polish as a corpse. I have to agree. There have also been complaints on the front page of the site as to where the Koibox box is strategically placed, I also see the argument there. Honestly, I don't know what kind of person would want a nude, pasty, corpse looking model in their adds. It isn't on the "edgy" side of advertisement to me. It just looks ridiculous.

P.S. If you are running a reputable company, why in the world would you describe your pink polish "Baboon" as -just like it's ass.? That just exudes class to me.

Now on the the second part of my blog. After checking up on my MUA pals, I decided to venture over to CNN. Yes I keep track of what is occuring daily in our country. On the very front was the headline of a person I had nearly forgotten. It was enough to get me all riled up again and out for blood.

U.S.: Killer confesses to 3 more child killings

http://www.cnn.com/2007/LAW/01/23/abduction.killing.ap/index.html

Do you recall this piece of shit? He is the man that murdered a family and kidnapped the two youngest children (he killed the oldest, 13 year old alongside the mother and father) and took them into the woods and molested them for weeks. He then killed the boy and thank god was captured with the girl in a restaurant.

It seems that this dirtbag had been convicted in the past of sexual abuse on children, yet he fled the case only to keep going and killing! This has to STOP in our society and now!! Children are defenseless, it is up to each and every one of us to stand up and enforce stern penalties upon anyone convicted of these acts. I want to take this to the next level, castration, death, you name it, I want to see it. If a person ever touches a defenseless child inappropriately I say they immediately lose any rights they may have had. They certainly didn't mind taking the rights away from the children (or in this case the lives of those children).

I live in fear for my children every single day. My neighbor is a pastor and I wouldn't even trust him with my children. You never know who will hurt them. Anyone in my family will tell you just how strict I am with who my children stay with. My mother and my husbands mother are the only two people my children have ever stayed overnight with, and even then they cannot leave the children with anyone else. If something comes up my children are returned home to me. I'm a stay at home mother, I don't trust daycare systems. It is difficult for me to even send my little girl to school. Violent acts such as these are why. I know that anything can happen, you can't prepare for everything, but I'm determined to protect my children with everything I am capable of.

My heart aches for parents who have loved and lost children to monsters such as these. I know that if I were ever faced with what they are I would go insane. My thirst for vengeance would know no end. I would want the person(s) to suffer as my child suffered.

The problem with our country is that we smack sex offenders on the wrist and they walk away free after. Yes I realize we are supposed to be notified when an offender moves into the area but let me tell you, I know of cases where an offender didn't register and a child suffered as a result. Making pedophiles registers isn't the key, taking away the tools that help them function is.

So there you have it, rude people and just plain sicko's. I can deal with anyone that's rude. Let's just kill off the sicko's already. Make the world a happy place. Oh in the meantime, tell your children each day just how much they mean to you. If you can't express the extent of your emotions, a good hug and kiss should let them know.