How do people deal with this?

Another day of waiting is upon me which means another day full of thoughts of what is the "right" and "wrong" thing to do concerning this pregnancy. I've read up on the Internet and found stories similar to my own and cried along with those Mother's faced with this decision and the choices they all made. One thing I found eerily similar is that the vast majority terminated the pregnancy when they found out the baby didn't have a huge chance of a quality life once born. And the one thing that I fear now is the ridicule from others upon making the choice to not carry to term.

I won't deny I'm terrified at this point. I don't want to look at the ultrasound and have decided to tell the technicians so when we go Monday. I don't want to see the baby if there is the distinct possibility we won't keep the baby. I know that sounds selfish but I can't help it. This deep rooted feeling of something being out of place has gotten stronger and I know my gut is telling me something. I'm trying to stay strong but when I return to these thoughts it just eats away at me bit by bit.

Then add to this the horrible cough/cold/fever/vomiting Jim and each of the kids have and it's just a bad week all around. I think bad luck is just finding its way to me or something. I got a paper to fill out in the mail the other day for Jury Duty. When it rains it pours.

It's funny, when I found out I was preggars, I was shocked and honestly not too happy about another pregnancy. But now facing the fact that this baby might not become a part of our family I realize just how much I was longing for another little one around here. I'd decided to have my tubes tied after the baby is born, then was thinking about having them tied after this pregnancy potentially ends, but I've decided to hold off on all of that. I'm pretty sure I want one more child and this time around we'll be prepared and I'll be fit and healthy.

I'm going to finally get set with a Neurologist and take care of these migraines as well as have surgery for this blasted gallbladder. Then Jim and I will make sure to prevent another unplanned pregnancy with BC and condoms (doesn't that just sound fun???) until we're ready to try again. I'm also going to pump my body full of folic acid for months in advance. That is if I still feel the same way a year down the road...which who knows?

My mom said something the other day that really hurt my feelings. She told me "once this has happened to you the odds of it happening again are really high". Now I know that isn't true. The odds of it happening now were very slim. I just don't know why she'd say that. I think in part she doesn't want me to have anymore children. I'm not sure why since we support them. Maybe she is genuinely concerned about me, who's to say?

Either way, I have alot to face before any of this happens, so I'll keep praying and hoping for the best.