Screwed

Wonderful. It appears I've caught the horrible bug that had the family sick for a week solid.

I'm so screwed.

Better than the alternative

I'm going to sound like a selfish bitch for a moment. Please disregard this entry if a person complaining about an upcoming birthday being depressing upsets you. I realize the alternative is something much worse.

I had a difficult time last year when I hit the BIG 3-0. I obsessed about it for days beforehand. I kept looking into the mirror, contemplated cutting off all my hair into a pixie cut (because I swore I would before my 20's were gone) and wondered where all the time has gone. I didn't feel any different and didn't think I really looked any different but the years had still crept on past me and here I was, facing a huge milestone in a persons life. I made the transition from being a 20 something to a 30 something and it scared the piss out of me.

I'm not sure why some people put such thought into a number, myself included. Maybe it's because that number reminds you of the time that has passed and the time still yet to come. I just know for me I am reminded I'm not a young fresh girl starting out her life. Instead I'm in my life, right now, living it. This is what I am. This is what I've become. I always assumed I'd be doing other things. I'm not sure exactly what those things are but just something more than I am. I'm not unhappy in my life, I suppose having a birthday draw near reminds me of all the "what might have/could have/should have" been things.

And as I grow older I'm reminded that people are not infallible, we can and do die and that is another scary thing I often ponder late at night. I won't be around forever and those little ails I experience I can no longer shrug off because, "I'm too young to have that".

It's hard to believe my birthday is almost here again.

Mom Confession of the Week

Sometimes I feel bad about being a worry wart parent. It effects the way my children are being raised and the way they are experiencing the world.

**for more on exactly what I mean, please see the post Living in a Glass House below.

Living in a Glass House

Sometimes I feel bad about being a worry wart parent. It effects the way my children are being raised and the way they are experiencing the world.

My children rarely go outside. It's too difficult with just myself to watch them in the front as you can't fence it in our neighborhood. So each time we wander outside it's to the back deck or the back yard and that time is always limited. One child will get tired before the other or one will want to do something else. And so I wrangle them all back inside with me and there we stay, one child always left looking out the window, wishing to play in the grass.

I remember when I was a kid. I could go outside, even at a very young age, into our fenced yard and play to my hearts content. I have vivid memories of catching butterflies and climbing trees. All while my Mother stayed inside. She would check up on me from time to time of course but not too often. Back then things were different. Back then a child could be a child, a Mom could turn her back for more than 1 minute at a time.

It's sad when you think about it. I fear for the future of my grandchildren. Maybe I should stop being so overprotective, maybe then they can experience life as god intended. But I know I won't be able to, not now at least. The world just isn't safe enough anymore and children are all too often the ones to suffer because of it.

The Babes of the Family

These two keep my days enjoyable, if not busy. I'm sure you've probably noticed the red splotches in pictures past of Annabel. This would be her eczema. I've tried everything (Vince and Arwen had it too). It breaks my heart.

As you've also probably noticed, Vincent likes cupcakes...A LOT.

Wacky and Magical Wedding

We have a marriage coming up in our family. Great right? If only it weren't so..well..weird!

Jimbo's cousin Jackie is getting married, her guy is named Matt. I'm not too sure about their relationship other than they never were very 'lovey' with one another and I honestly assumed they were just friends with benefits. They just never gave off a 'couple' vibe and I feel strange whenever I'm around them.

When they announced the engagement, I was surprised but didn't give it much thought. But soon I'd have to pay it some attention because I was told they requested Arwen be the flower girl. So for the last few months I've pleaded with my tomboy daughter to consider being the flower girl and each time she says no. Nothing will sway her, so finally I accepted defeat and gave Jimbo's family the news.

That should be all right?

Wrong.

Jackie now is RSVP'ing the wedding. But it's complicated. Matt is a Catholic (and from what I've been told) wants a lavish wedding. Why is beyond me. He is the first man I've ever known to not only want a wedding but also to take a large part in it. So far he has:

Accompanied the brides maids not only to pick but also to have their dresses fitted (ODD!)

Picked the floral decorations.

Picked the colors.

Picked the cake.

He's even accompanied Jackie to find her WEDDING DRESS. Isn't that breaking with tradition? Even a Catholic one??

To compound all of this, Jackie is being converted but as a recent divorcee (I don't get it myself, if you've been married before, why in the hell have this huge wedding?? Some day I'll have to blog about her previous spouse, I'll just say think Shawshank Redemption!) and the church hasn't granted their blessing to have the wedding in the Catholic Church. So they've decided to RSVP the dates but not the venue.

Now, there is no way I'm going to this wedding. I'm not going to drag my children and expect them to sit still during this entire ceremony. I've explained it to my Mother in law who has asked I just not RSVP at all because, "they won't notice you're not there!". Ugggg.

And here is the weirdest thing of all. Matt is a magician (I think it's some sort of strange hobby). He's always coming to family get togethers and the children gather around and he pulls quarters out of their ears (he gives off a total pedophile vibe, Jimbo agrees, we NEVER leave him alone with the kids). So in light of this he has asked a friend to...god I can't believe I'm going to say this...

His friend is going to go around the reception...doing magic tricks for all the guests.

Does this sound like a wedding you'd want to attend? If so you are more than welcome to my RSVP!

Trouble

I'm in trouble and it's of my own doing. Back when Jimbo and I started our family he made one thing very clear.

NO children in our bed.

I had Arwen in the bed a few times but Logan and Vincent never got the chance. I'd get up, nurse them and back to their own bassinet or crib for them. It was a nice arrangement. They transitioned into their own rooms (at 18 months) very well and with little stress.

But as with many things, I am just different with Annabel. She's been sleeping with me since she was born. We bought the little bassinet that attaches to the side of the bed you can use (pictured above) and I did use it for a time but I'd find her in the bed with me more often than not. I figured I'd stop at some point but now I'm beginning to realize I don't want to stop and this could lead to problems down the road.

One day Annabel will have to transition to her own bed. Our bed isn't large and I don't really want to replace it (it's an antique sled bed, gorgeous really but only a full size). Plus Annabel is going to be sharing a room with Arwen when she gets older. I don't want to make too many changes too quickly and upset or stress her and I have Arwen to consider as well.

To his credit, Jimbo hasn't said a word about it. Although I know he isn't too happy about her sleeping with us. He's kept his promise not to say anything in regard to how clingy I am with her since she is the last child we'll have (at least from my loins, so to speak). I have however seen his little eye rolls or 'looks' before bedtime. So I know what he's thinking, even if he's not saying it verbally. He can't get his nook-nook on and he can't hog the bed anymore. Don't you just feel so damned sorry for him?

I'm torn. I want to cherish everything with Annabel. What started as her sleeping with me out of fear (for some misguided reason I always felt I could protect her in sleep, I'm terrified of SIDS) has turned into sleeping with her for comfort. I love having her nested beside me, our faces turned toward one another, her soft breaths caressing my face.

I think I will begin first on trying to get her to accept either food or at the least expressed milk in a bottle. I can't push too many changes on her at once and right now the breast is on tap during the night. One things for sure, this is going to be hard. Not just for her but for me as well.