School Days

Today was our daughter's very first day of kindergarten. I didn't get alot of sleep last night so it took a few minutes to wake up* (I woke immediately when I realized I had to do her hair and pack her lunch and snack) and get in gear.

I got her looking pretty and took some pictures at then it hit me, my baby isn't a baby anymore. I'm not sure when she got so big or so grown up. She looked at me with those beautiful browns and that winning smile and I wanted to tear up. I held it back and told her how lovely she looked and gave her tons of kisses.

Jimbo just called to tell me that it was equally hard for him when he dropped her off in class. He said she was totally fine and seemed excited to be there. I'm not sure if this will ever become easier, no matter how many times we do it. In fact I think by the time Annabel starts kindergarten I'll be a wreck.

Time sure does pass quickly. Blink and you'll certainly miss something.

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*due to Annabel's night owl ways, she kept me up all night long. Don't you love sleep deprevation?

Kids, school and a Van

Since the topics are so different I wanted to blog about this seperately.

My oldest child starts school this year! The big Kindergarden girl. I'm worried sick and nervous which confuses me since she attended pre-school for a year. I should be used to her leaving in the morning and returning in the afternoon but I'm not. Perhaps it is due to the fact that this school is VERY different from her pre-school.

We have placed her into a private catholic school in the city. The school has a great reputation for excellence (which is why we placed her there) and values. The only problem is my daughter is VERY stubborn and independant. She's began to push the boundaries here at home and I really worry she will be that one problem child in her class.

We went to her Kindergarden orientation and I sat worried as the teacher explained she is very strict and the children will probably come home and complain that entire first week because of it. She told us that she starts out hard and stays that way or the children will walk all over her and the class. She then explained the "fish" that each child has and how they are taken for each infraction. Basically there are cardboard fishes that each child has in their number slot. For each time they get into trouble a fish is taken. The fish are colored: Green then Yellow then Red then Black. Black means a trip to the office to call home...I have a sinking fear she will reach black within the first week alone...perhaps the first day.

Then my 4 year old son with high functioning autism starts his school the very next week full time. I'm very very nervous about this. He will go in at 8am and get out at 3pm. This is a long day for a 4 year old and I don't know how well he will take the change.

These two things bring me to an important issue. Jimbo and I got out last weekend and made a very very important purchase. We bought a minivan. We'd argued for a time over getting an SUV over a van. Jimbo doesn't like minivans at all. He pushed hard to get an SUV and I shopped around for one. Too bad the prices alone were out of our budget but the gas mileage was just crazy. So he caved and we began the search.

The first weekend we went was a bust. We found a Dodge Caravan that we liked with low mileage but it had a "thump thump" when you hit 50 and the dealer wouldn't fix it so we moved on. On the way home we drove by a place and I saw some vans and we almost didn't turn around as we were tired and wanted to get home. Good thing we stopped. For sale was a very nice and small Mazda minivan. It caught my eye immediately since it didn't "look" like other vans we'd shopped and when I looked inside I was in love. Leather interior, sliding seats, and more than enough room for our children (plus the side windows roll down, the back seats fold to make more room and did I mention it is smaller?). The mileage was a bit higher than the 100k I'd wanted but not so much that we didn't inquire inside. The dealer was closing but told us to come back Monday and gave us a card.

We came back Monday and got to take a look inside and take the van for a test drive. We drove it to my fathers shop and put it on the rack. All looked great and for the price (this MPV was priced thousands of dollars LESS than all the others for sale that didn't have leather interior) we just couldn't pass it up, so we went inside and made the deal and now she sits pretty in our driveway.

Luckily we just paid off our Toyota Camry and have decided to keep her as well since she only has 85k miles and is a wonderful car. Jimbo bought her for me for my birthday 4 years ago.

So I am now an offical minivan Mom and have the car pictured above to prove it! Now to prepare for sitting in the long pick up lines at school!!

Back on track

After months of fear, nervousness and sheer worry our family has welcomed a healthy baby girl into the fold. Annabel was born on July 20th and weighed 7lbs 13oz and is 20 inches long. She has no symptoms of being diabetic and her thyroid functions perfectly. She is everything a parent could want and prays for. We are so thrilled that she is here and doing well.

The birth was difficult. I was induced 3 weeks early due to being dialted between 4-5 and 50% effaced. Since we live an hour from the nearest hospital, I went in that morning and got all set up. My IV was started, water broken and pitocin pushed, followed afterward by my epidural. Then things started to go downhill. I started feeling like my heart was going to pound out of my chest. Since I have anxiety attacks I assumed that was what I was experiencing...until my nurse came rushing into the room to check my moniter. She immediately asked me to lay on my left side. Jimbo nervously stood nervously at my side and held my hand. I was somewhat out of it from the phenegren and nubain I was given but each time I looked at his face I could tell something wasn't right. His face stayed glued to my moniters.

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I found out my heart rate was increasing from 70-80 all the way to 120-130 in the course of 30 seconds to a minute. Meanwhile Annabels heart rate was decreasing with dipping variables. After a few minutes I was given an oxygen mask and told to keep it on and was flipped from side to side. I then began to shake violently. I couldn't stop for the life of me. I started to get really frightened. Jimbo tried to hold it together but I could tell he was worried as well. Thankfully increasing my pitocian worked and Annabel came quickly after. Two pushes and she entered the world.

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I also experienced some problems with my tubal. I was never really told what to expect from the procedure. At the beginning I was told by my OB that I could have the tubal done directly after the delivery and that they could do this while I was still on the epidural medications. This didn't happen however and I found myself scheduled for surgery the next day. I was extremely nervous and months of worry caused me to have a breakdown that very morning. The RN that was to give me my IV (they had to remove the one I already have due to it pulling and causing major discomfort) wouldn't listen to me when I told her repeatedly that my veins roll and she would blow the ones on my hand. Instead she picked the exact one I told her would blow (in her words "that vein is so juicy") and proceeded to do just that. I suppose given all the stress built up a meltdown was bound to happen sooner or later and a little something like a blown vein was all it took. I tried to fight the tears but the more I tried the worse it became. The nurse hurried out of my room and went in search of my delivery nurse. They discussed at length if I was certain I wanted to go through with the ligation. They worried I was forcing myself to have the procedure and that was causing my distress. After I explained the huge amount of stress I'd experienced the last few months and just how certain I was about the tubal, I was given ativan to calm my nerves and went ahead with the procedure.

I awoke to pain and tons of it. I can't recall too much, just my husband stroking my hair, pain filled darkness and my nurse telling me more than once "Jaime, take a deep breath". (I found out later they gave me 3 doses of morphine for pain and had to stop and give me diluted because I started to have low respirations) Eventually I was carted on a bed and moved back to my room. I'm still trying to recover from the surgery and I'd like to take a moment to encourage all my fellow women out there...if your doctor asks if you'd like the Laparoscopy or the mini Laparotomy go with the Laparoscopy. I got the mini and it's so painful it's not even funny and it takes a couple of weeks (at least) to recover fully.

So now we are home. I'll be blogging from time to time about some of my medical junk since I still have a thyroid to fix but mostly I'm going to attempt to get back on track and blog about my family. There is so much going on here and so much to keep up with. Arwen starts kindergarden, Logan starts attending his special needs school full time. Jimbo will be dropping off Arwen and picking her up while I will drag Annabel and Vincent out with me to take Logan to and from his program. I'm sure it sounds much easier than it will actually be.

On a side note, be sure to check back often. Jimbo and I recently went to Arwen's parent/kindergarden orientation and it was interesting to say the least. I can already feel that tension I've read about between parents on other blogs. Every person I tried to talk to either looked at me like I had no teeth or gave a fake smile before turning and walking away. I'm not sure if it's because we are younger than most the parents there or if it's because we are not members of the parish. One thing is for sure, I always said I'd never let it bother me like it bothers other Mom's (from other blogs I've read) but I have to admit once you're standing in that situation...it's hard not to let it bother you.

Will we fit in with the "cool" parents? You'll have to check back and see.

My Absence

It's been so long since I've blogged. It's not because I haven't wanted to blog or that I've had nothing to say, I wish that were the opposite actually.

I don't want to make this particular post too long but alot has happened in my life and I have a huge gambit of emotions. I'm angry, anxious, and above all sick and tired (and I mean that literally).

After months of begging my OB to do something about this horrible fatigue and migraines, I finally broke down and took matters into my own hands and went to a Neurologist. Before I get to that I need to mention that I went in a month ago for my glucose tolerance screen...it came back abnormal and I do have gestational diabetes. I sought help from a Neuro after finding out about the diabetes and being informed by my OB that the constant headaches (that last for days and days) were not caused by it and I got his usual "why don't we just wait and see" response.

I was so pissed after my stress test 2 weeks ago I contacted a Neuro and got an appointment. I went in and saw her on Tuesday and had some minor tests done in the office and some blood work done. The headaches she thinks are from two muscles in my neck being inflamed and aggrivated, I start physical therapy for this next week. She believes on top of the headaches I also get migraines, hence them never truly going away. She wrote me a prescription for Demerol and Zofran. I was nervous about taking the medication but left with some hope that finally I would have some answers about my health. Little did I know that the floodgates were about to open....

It appears my OB hasn't been doing his job or having the lab run important screens on me. Aside from extreme anemia, I also have a severe vitamin B12 deficency (which goes hand and hand with the anemia). I have to start a regimen of daily shots for this immediately. To top that I found out I have hyperthyroidism.

Basically, my body is producing too little thyroid hormones and it's causing my thyroid to overwork itself to compensate (sounds weird I know) and it's causing all of this fatigue, hair loss, anxiety, insomnia, depression, you name it. All of it can be directly linked back to my thyroid. Needless to say I'm pissed beyond belief that my OB made me think that all these symptoms were A. All in my head or B. Caused by the fact that I'm a SAHM with 3 kids. He totally ignored my repeated pleas for action and blew me off, I probably wouldn't have found any of this out until after I had the baby and the sickness still hung around.

The next few weeks are going to be tough. I'm trying to regulate my sugar so I don't need insulin and I'm taking tons of vitamins and iron for the anemia. Depending on the next batch of tests I'll be started on a hormone for the thyroid and will have to take that from there. Most of this will have to be put on hold until the baby is born.

It's sad when you lose faith in your doctor. I've been seeing the same OB's for 10 years now and after this baby is born I will have to find another. It saddens me but I refuse to put myself in this situation with him again. Were it not for the fact that I'm so far along now and only have 7 weeks left I'd be shopping around for another OB to deliever this baby.

So that's it in a nutshell. I hope to start blogging on a normal basis soon since I'd truly hoped to have this as a reflection of my pregnancy and the baby.

All good vibes are appreciated.

All is well, at least so far....

Sorry for the lack of posting! I've been busy with the kids and am preparing to send my daughter to a private school, so my already fried brain is becoming increasingly frazzled.

The results came back "normal" and there is no signs that anything is wrong with the baby (at least genetically) so that is good. I still have this feeling that something isn't right but I suppose that I'm just going to have to wait and see about that.

The kids are doing great but driving me insane. If it's not one it's another and when I realize that I'm about to add yet another voice to that rotation I get a bit worried. 4 children to 2 parents...scary numbers. Not to mention during the day that ratio will be 3 to 1 (since my sweetest daughter is about to make the transition from "pre-school" to kindergarten and won't be here). I know I'm an adult and can handle it...I just honestly haven't wanted to think about it too much.

This pregnancy has been so vastly different than any before it. I'm not excited and picking out bed linens, baby clothes and other such things. Instead I've been putting it off in some futile hope that the baby can just stay in utero until I am mentally, physically and emotionally prepared but I know that is childish and won't do me any good whatsoever, so I'm trying to stop and live in the "now".

Speaking of living in the "now". I have to go to the grocery store and run some errands while I'm swollen like a hippo. Ahh the joys of pregnancy in the summer...I hope I don't bump into anyone I know.

Waiting for the call...

We went to the genetics clinic and had the Ultrasound II and Amniocentesis done. The trip there wasn't horrible at all, maybe 2 hours but finding a parking spot took almost an entire hour. We got into the office at around 1:45 and our appointment was at 2:15. For all of you out there who may have this done and you're curious what occurs, I'll share with you.

First, you go in, fill out the paperwork (already had mine ready) exchange insurance info and take a seat. After a few minutes you'll be lead to a room with another couple. There you will watch a video on what you can expect as well and what an amnio is like. Let me just say, this was very uncomfortable! There were two people across from me (both at least 10 years older than me) and you try not to look at them but it's rough. Then you have to watch this video on amnio and birth defects, it's just weird.

After the video, you are given consent forms to fill out and are placed in this large waiting room. When I entered there were 3 other couples (besides the other one that watched the video with us, that made 4) all nervously waiting. I felt so out of place due to my age. These people were all a good deal older than me. I talked to a couple of the people and one finally asked me "what made you come here?". Fun stuff let me tell ya.

You'll wait a good while. Finally when your name is called, you and the hubbie go into a room and meet your genetic counselor. This person explains how chromosomes work, how down's occurs, etc. They answer any questions, do a family chart, etc. They also make sure you want an amnio as well as the ultrasound. Our counselor was great, very nice and informative, but I hope I don't see her again. If there are problems with the baby she will become my support and explain everything to me. Also, here is where you tell them if you DON'T want to know the sex of the baby, make sure you tell them so you don't get the answer by mistake! (We like to wait)

After you're done with the counselor, you're taken back into the same waiting room and you get to wait and wait some more. There was one annoying lady in the waiting room who kept bitching "can't they just get me back?? I've been through this before you know." (she said that 7 times, I counted) She even told her husband right in front of me "we have to wait behind her and she will take at least 30 minutes" to which her husband replied "they need to be informed". I seriously wanted to slap the bitch.

Finally after a long wait, you are taken back. You are placed on a table much like at the OB's office and the ultrasound is turned on and you get the belly gel and off you go. A good 10 minutes is spent "measuring" your baby. During this time there isn't much talking. I know I said I wouldn't look but I found myself looking nervously anyway (so did Jimbo). Finally with the measurements done, the big Doc comes on board and takes over and starts looking the baby over from top to bottom. He'll ask you questions but it's not social, at least our Doc wasn't. After he shows you the baby's feet, lip, face, toes, spine, heart, etc he'll tell you if everything looks "ok" which ours did. (God what a huge relief) Then he says "so you want the amnio, ok let's get that ready).

Here is where I'll bitch. Let me start by saying, I knew it would be painful. But the video and the Doctor both kept saying "it's like a needle stick when you get blood drawn" or "it's really not painful at all". So I was on the table and as nervous as I was I was also relaxed by what I'd been told. I was expecting to feel the needle enter but that was it, no problem. He cleans my tummy, uses the ultrasound, finds a spot and it's time. When the needle is first inserted, it stings a bit. Fine, no big. So I'm laying there calm and cool when suddenly I feel this horrible "tug" and spontaneously jerk. The nurse grabs me and says "you have to stay still" and the Doc who is obviously pissed says "I have to reinsert the needle, you can't move". So I tell him, you should warn your patients to steel themselves since this DOES hurt. I would never have moved had I known. He ignores me, pokes again, I stay still this time. Then he gets inside the sack to collect the fluid and takes 5 tubes worth. This is painful because he has to "screw" on each tube and the needle rotates into your top layer of skin, stretching it, it feels nasty. When done he'll guide the needle out which is also very uncomfortable and when it's done, you're like "you bunch of fucking liars!". They gave me ultrasound pics, showed me the tubes with my name on them and shoved me out the door. There I paid my co-pay and had to walk 2 blocks to my car. So there is no "rest" time after amnio. They just shove you out the door.

All in all, it's not a bad experience. The amnio isn't the worst pain I've felt in my life (that would be gallstones) so it's bearable. I just tell you that it does hurt so you can brace yourself for what's coming. Not telling patients what to expect is unfair to them.

I'm now waiting for the FISH test results. These results take 24-48 hours and will show if the baby has any of the trisomy's. I'm very nervous. The actual amnio AFP's and other tests will take 2 weeks. Those tests study the actual chromosomes so we'll know if the baby has any mental retardation, etc that only the amnio can pick up.

I asked the genetic counselor how many women felt something was wrong and had the test. She told me several but "only a couple actually had any problems". Thank god. I hope I'm just another mental case.

Cross your fingers for us and say a prayer.

How do people deal with this?

Another day of waiting is upon me which means another day full of thoughts of what is the "right" and "wrong" thing to do concerning this pregnancy. I've read up on the Internet and found stories similar to my own and cried along with those Mother's faced with this decision and the choices they all made. One thing I found eerily similar is that the vast majority terminated the pregnancy when they found out the baby didn't have a huge chance of a quality life once born. And the one thing that I fear now is the ridicule from others upon making the choice to not carry to term.

I won't deny I'm terrified at this point. I don't want to look at the ultrasound and have decided to tell the technicians so when we go Monday. I don't want to see the baby if there is the distinct possibility we won't keep the baby. I know that sounds selfish but I can't help it. This deep rooted feeling of something being out of place has gotten stronger and I know my gut is telling me something. I'm trying to stay strong but when I return to these thoughts it just eats away at me bit by bit.

Then add to this the horrible cough/cold/fever/vomiting Jim and each of the kids have and it's just a bad week all around. I think bad luck is just finding its way to me or something. I got a paper to fill out in the mail the other day for Jury Duty. When it rains it pours.

It's funny, when I found out I was preggars, I was shocked and honestly not too happy about another pregnancy. But now facing the fact that this baby might not become a part of our family I realize just how much I was longing for another little one around here. I'd decided to have my tubes tied after the baby is born, then was thinking about having them tied after this pregnancy potentially ends, but I've decided to hold off on all of that. I'm pretty sure I want one more child and this time around we'll be prepared and I'll be fit and healthy.

I'm going to finally get set with a Neurologist and take care of these migraines as well as have surgery for this blasted gallbladder. Then Jim and I will make sure to prevent another unplanned pregnancy with BC and condoms (doesn't that just sound fun???) until we're ready to try again. I'm also going to pump my body full of folic acid for months in advance. That is if I still feel the same way a year down the road...which who knows?

My mom said something the other day that really hurt my feelings. She told me "once this has happened to you the odds of it happening again are really high". Now I know that isn't true. The odds of it happening now were very slim. I just don't know why she'd say that. I think in part she doesn't want me to have anymore children. I'm not sure why since we support them. Maybe she is genuinely concerned about me, who's to say?

Either way, I have alot to face before any of this happens, so I'll keep praying and hoping for the best.