Jizz In My Pants

This is totally NOT appropriate but I laughed so hard - I guess I have potty humor!

Post Oak Light Show - White Trash Christmas

Okay the light show isn't the reason I posted this - the SONG is.

I LOVE this song - give it a listen.

*sings* It's a White Trash Christmas!

Cubby dances to Beyonce's Single Ladies Video

Okay, you've seen everyone do this - but NOT quite like this. ;)

How Long?

Until my kids grasp these concepts -

The toilet is meant to be flushed.

Toilet paper is intended to be flushed, not thrown into the waste basket.

And the bathroom is not a playroom.

Holy Mother - pray for me.

A Confession - Not necessarily a "Mom" One

Okay - I've been committing a huge blog No-No. The one in which I'm not being honest with myself and using this venue as a place of solace and comfort, a place where those awesome people I visit (or that visit me) can read and offer encouragement, support, or just a "I know what you mean!"

So what's my confession - well, a couple of people know, so it's not a huge secret - but still...

I recently finished writing something - a supernatural/paranormal love story. There is turmoil and upheaval, the heroine learns about herself and discovers love for the first time. It's that kind of tale.

When I finished, a few people in my life asked if they could read it. I was absolutely petrified of the notion that someone would actually read what I created inside my warped brain, but I caved in, printing it out and passing it along. I was surprised (and stupified) to discover they actually liked it. In fact, they told me I should consider trying to get published. I scoffed at the notion, cause let's face it, I ain't no Stephenie Meyer people! And family and friends are supposed to tell you, "I love what you've done honey, it's so good!" Even if you've written the biggest steaming pile o' shit.

But I decided to tweak the story anyway, work on the manuscript obsessively, and finally had it to a place where I thought, "it's not that bad."

Well, I started researching what it takes to get published, uncovering the terrifying truths about agents, publishing companies, queries, and submissions. I googled, went to Barnes and Noble, visited the library. I have printed out hints, suggestions, and names from Agent Query. Then I tried to find a 'fit' for my story (which is honestly been a terrible experience in and of itself) to narrow down the people I would eventually query for potential representation.

It has been a nightmare, but even worse, was attempting to write a decent query. Seriously, I have visited blogs, websites, and have read how-to books and I'm still confused. One place says - DO NOT do A, B, or C. The next says - DEFINITELY do A, B, and C. I fought with myself, taking over two weeks, and sloshed through, producing a terrible rendition of one. Then I had the pleasure of explaining in 5 pages what takes place in 96,000 words of text (that's roughly 400 pages of book people) in a synopsis to accompany said query.

But the worst was yet to come - I just didn't know it yet. I thought after I had the query and synopsis, the names and the emails, I would simply mail out my stuff and hope for the best. What I didn't expect what the terrible pressure inside my stomach that has caused me to hug the toilet for several days now, caused by the mere action of pressing "send" on each individual email. Because let me tell you, each punch of the enter key was like ripping my heart out of my chest and throwing it on the ground in front of a steam roller.

Am I afraid of rejection? Sure I am. But strangely, it's slightly more than that. What started out as a hobby (okay, a monumental stress relief, which has become an addiction - I've finished off another story already, which is completely different) is now making me sick. It's strange because, well, I enjoyed writing the book and the concept of keeping it 'hidden'. Hell, my husband hasn't even read the stuff!

The bad news is - I've gotten rejections already. The good news is - it's completely normal and to be expected. But the good/bad news is = one publisher in particular has requested the full manuscript, and since that day, I've been a walking diarhhea bag of nerves. Jesus. Baring myself in front of the entire O/B department to give birth was less painful. I want to check my email to see if I've gotten a response, but I don't want to check it. I want to continue writing, but I don't want to continue writing. I'm a mixed bag of grapenuts, and I'm equal parts crunchy and soggy. It's completely nerve wracking.

And let me just say - kudos to ALL of you writer's out there who continue to press onward, even in the face of certain rejection and confusion. I know I can't be alone in this necessary step toward acheiving representation.

Wow - I strangely feel better now. Just getting that off my chest...no wait, there's the nausea again. Oh well.

FLOOD

It figures a monsoon would arrive with snow falling "later this evening". As it stands - the fence may or may not survive the sheer force of the water held back by the leaves that have collected and flowed along the huge stream through our property.

Jimbo - we're gonna need a bigger boat...

16 Month Old + Phone = BAD

Note to self:

When preparing dinner, always make sure that your 16 month old infant daughter is nowhere near the phone. Otherwise you'd best prepare yourself for the impending arrival of the Sheriff's department asking about the 911 call that ended in a hang up and consequent investigation.

Thanks Bella - you're already starting trouble with the law.

The Holiday Season

Ahhh the holiday season. A time of joy, peace, serenity, good will toward men...A time of greed, insanity, price checking and psyching out the woman about to purchase the last 2008 Christmas Barbie from the shelf at the local Hell-Mart.

Lady, if you wanted the doll that badly, all you had to do was say so. Snatching it off the shelf before my hand made it to the box only made you look moronic and quite sad. But don't fret, there are only 3 other Wal-marts in our general vicinity, and my daughter will be content with or without a plastic doll wrapped in glitter and lace.

Happy Holidays.

State Trooper Tickets Woman in Labor

You just have to READ this to believe it.

I have to say, the state troopers I have had the misfortune of meeting on the roads have ALWAYS been assholes. In fact, one pulled Jimbo over a couple of years ago and he caused Arwen (who was only 4 at the time) to burst into tears because she was afraid he was going to take her to jail. I can't say I blame her after he pointed his finger at her directly and demanded 'how old is she??'

I realize that police officer's provide an essential service and I'm grateful - but I'm equally grateful to the troops serving in other countries to defend this one and you don't see them behaving like egotistical assholes.

Twilight Trailer Spoof

Okay, I swear, no more Youtube videos for a while on my blog but this is brilliant!

The Twilight Movie

This review of the movie is hilarious. My favorite part had me laughing so hard my children thought I had lost my mind because it's so true -

"This guy asks her to the prom and Bella says, 'no I can't dance' but then later we find out she's a dancer so she lies!"

Totally cracked me up.

Kick in the Head

I have had a consistent headache for going on two weeks now. I saw the Neuro last week and tried the new meds (including steroids) and they are not working.

I'm at a loss, feeling as if my brain is going to spontaneously combust at any moment. I finally see a Doctor next week about the thyroid (have been waiting 6 weeks for that) and I'm praying some good old fashioned thyroid pills will put an end to this madness.

On a side note, when you find a dead mouse that your cat has left as a present in the garage (that you almost step on bare footed) - it will serve as a reminder that you are, in fact, a GIRL. I screamed like I'd just won the publisher's clearinghouse sweepstakes.

same old lang syne

Okay, I've come with a gripe. Light 96.9 plays nothing but Christmas music the day following Thanksgiving and I LOVE it, I keep the stereo on most of the time just to enjoy the wonderful classics that make the Holiday season so awesome. I'm talking goodies like -

Jingle Bell Rock
Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree
Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer
Oh Holy Night
Merry Christmas from the Family
Chipmunk Christmas
Santa Claus is Watching You

The list goes on and on...

But the last few years I've noticed one song in particular that comes on several times per day and each time I find myself thinking - does this even classify as a Christmas song? Other than it mentions it's Christmas Eve? So today I googled the damned thing and shook my head in disbelief at the lyrics, the stupidity and honestly the oddity that places this little ditty on the radio with other Christmas tunes.

Don't take my word for it, above is the song on Youtube and below are the lyrics. I'm looking for other opinions here - what do you think??

Dan Fogleberg "Same Auld Lang Syne

Met my old lover in a grocery store
The snow was falling Christmas Eve
Stole behind her in the frozen foods
and I touched her on the sleeve
She didn't recognize the face at first
but then her eyes flew open wide
Tried to hug me and she spilled her purse
and we laughed until we cried
Took her groceries to the checkout stand
The food was totaled up and bagged
stood there lost in our embarrassment
as the conversation dragged
Went to have ourselves a drink or two
but couldn't find an open bar
Bought a six-pack at the liquor store
and we drank it in her car
We drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to now
Tried to reach beyond the emptiness
but neither one knew how
She said she'd married her an architect
Kept her warm and safe and dry
She said she'd like to say she loved the man
but she didn't like to lie
I said the years had been a friend to her
and that her eyes were still as blue
But in those eyes I wasn't sure if
I saw doubt or gratitude
She said she saw me in the record store
and that I must be doing well
I said the audience was heavenly
but the traveling was hell
We drank a toast to innocence we drank a toast to time
We're living in our eloquence, another old lang syne
The beers were empty and our tongues grew tired
and running out of things to say
She gave a kiss to me as I got out
and I watched her drive away
Just for a moment I was back in school
And felt that old familiar pain
And as I turned to make my way back home
the snow turned into rain.