Mom to daughter, daughter to Mom

I should warn anyone that might come across this, this particular entry is being done as a rant by myself. It might prove to be a long journey so take heed now.

My Mother and I have always shared a tempestuous relationship. Early on my devotion and utter admiration toward her was fed by her comments and the worry she would somehow disappear from my life. Call me stupid but as a child nothing meant more to me than my Mother. So when I was "bad" she would make comments to me along the lines of "tomorrow I could die and then you'll regret what you said". Things children say to one another or think in the back of their minds when a parent has wronged them. In any case, I revered my Mother and although she might state otherwise, I was rarely a "bad" child.

Over the years, as I grew, our relationship changed but that basic foundation remained. No matter what our fights or disagreements, my Mother always kept me firmly in place. I might yell or scream but always came back within an hour apologizing to her and telling her I loved her.

This unhealthy balance continued well into my adulthood. Even as a young woman working two jobs while attending college (I moved out as soon as I turned 18, straight out of high school with my boyfriend to escape it) all it would take to reduce me to a quivering child was a call from my Mom. She could shake and break me down as no other could.

It drove a huge wedge between my boyfriend and I. He despised her and her manipulations. He ranted to me and his family about how controlling she was and how much he wanted to tell her so but he didn't. Eventually (5 years later to be exact) our relationship ended. I moved in with my Dad who was reconciling with my Mother after many years of divorce. Apparently she has him wound in the same way she does myself.

I moved out again and met my future husband. My Mother adored him and tried to push me into a solid relationship with him. I refused at first. Jim and I were fresh out of bad relationships and started out as friends. Eventually that changed and we dated, then married, then began having children.

I'm not sure when but things began to shift in that control my Mom always had over my life. I'm pretty certain it occurred with the birth of my first child. I was no longer a child but a Mother myself and I was tired of the insecurity my Mother brought out in me. It was now my job to comfort and protect and I couldn't do that if I allowed her to intimidate me. It took months and months for things to start easing off every time we talked. She blamed my husband and his family, stating they had "brainwashed" me and I had forgotten my family. She said things to purposely make me feel guilty and accomplished the exact opposite of what she was trying to do, she drove a huge wedge between us.

The purpose of this blog and rant is an argument that just took place with my Mother. She wanted us to visit her this weekend to celebrate my sons birthday. Jimbo requested we go on Saturday so he can catch the Browns game. Yet for some reason she is determined we will visit on Sunday (which is her Mom's, my Grandma's birthday) and Sunday only. When I told her that if we come that day I would have to come at 8am with the kids and leave at 11am she responded "I'll just send him his birthday card!" before slamming down the phone.

I collected myself and called her back and got her machine. As calmly as I could I told her I love her but I wouldn't be speaking to her again until she can talk to me like an adult and stop hanging up on me like a child.

When did I become the Mother and her the Daughter here? When did I take on the mature demeanor and her the "it's my way or no way" persona? Is this the way it is between all Mother's and daughters?

Why can't I just be like my sister and let it roll off my back like water. Then it wouldn't matter to me so much that I rush to blog it all to get it off my mind.

Changing directions too late?

The first time I've ever been hospitalized was to have Arwen. That experience was awesome. My labor and delivery nurse was so wonderful and I'll never ever forget her (for professional purposes I'll keep her name hush hush). Then I had Logan. I had her as my delivery nurse again (my son was born on her birthday!) and again, she was the most wonderful and caring person in the world. I actually began at that point to consider a career in nursing, especially as a L&D nurse. Then I had Vincent.

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My labor and delivery with Vincent was terrible. I don't blame my L&D nurse at all but the other nurses in post partum were horrible to me. I didn't receive pain meds on time (I had a 3rd degree tear that absolutely hurt) and on one occasion (directly following the birth and I'd been without any medication for about 5 hours and my epidural was all but gone) my husband lost it when I was writhing on the bed in pain. I swore afterward I'd never return to that hospital and the experience made me fear if we ever had another child. It was that bad.

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Fast forward to Annabel's delivery. I was taken in by the wonderful nurse about to change shifts. She took me in, got me set and introduced me to my new nurse (whos name I will also keep hush hush). This nurse for Annabel's delivery was an angel sent down from above I swear. She took the best care of me, didn't let me hurt at all and comforted me when I had all the fears I did from the complications. She was the nurse sent for during my break down the next morning following a failed IV insertion. She not only started my IV and calmed me but she also accompanied me to have my tubal surgery. I was so grateful to her that I had Jimbo pick her up a gift basket from the Fudgey Nut. I'm not sure if this fantastic woman is aware of the huge impact she has made upon me.

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From her kindness I have a more intense desire to enter nursing school. I love helping others and I'd like to pay her kindness toward me forward. My only hesitation is my age. I'm 30 years old now and it would mean starting over (although not totally, I do have credits I can use but I'd have to take a lot of classes. Education and nursing are two very different fields). My desire to do this is becoming more solid as I'm afraid of needles and especially IV's but have began to investigate how one learns to insert them and do blood draws. I'm even willing to be stuck myself by other students in order to learn this essential part of nursing.

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Will this happen? I'm not sure. As with anything, I always go over things with a fine tooth comb. Also I have a few years until I could attend college again (at least on the basis of more than one class per semester).

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I've been thinking of sending the nurse that has impacted me so deeply flowers with a card to convey just how much she did and what it has meant. Those women who are fortunate enough to have her provide their care truly are blessed. She's that good.

Nathan and Susan

When I began this blog I was at a very emotional point in my life. I'd just found out I was pregnant again and was unsure of how to feel. Then very quickly that worry turned to despair when I found out something might be wrong with the baby. After that I had to worry about my own health and it was one of the most difficult times in my life.

During that time, I came across a blog. The description lured me in "a SAHM of 3 and nurse to my 6 year old cancer kid". I began reading Susan's blog faithfully after. http://suzeo99.blogspot.com/

It is somehow so wrong that something like this can bring a person out of their own funk and self doubt. After reading each new blog I kept pushing forward in my own life. Determined that if Nathan could do it, then so could I. If his Mom could keep their family together in spite of everything then I would too. But something more occurred during my reading of each new blog as well. I became attached to this little boy and his family that I've never met, so much so that I began to talk to my extended family daily about them and their struggle.

I will always recall vividly, the morning I came down to my computer with Annabel and found out Nathan had passed. I always go to Susan's blog first thing when I get on and I saw it and began to weep. My husband heard me and came to see what was wrong and his face dropped when he looked on the screen and saw the cause of my sorrow.

This little boy has touched so many and his Mom was so strong she openly shared him and her family during his battle. That takes alot of courage and love. Thank you Susan, your strength allows those like myself to keep going forward. You've touched more lives than I think you realize.

No Better Sleep in the World!

The last few weeks have seen little sleep coming my way. Annabel wakes often as I continue to "nurse on demand". I'm not rushing a set schedule with her since I stay at home and honestly at this point don't "have" to. This causes me to lose major zzzzz's at night and I wake pretty darned tired each and every morning.
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Then this past week, the household has been sick. I've personally been carrying this cold for 4 days now and for the past 2 continue to lose my voice. I'm achy, have a sore throat and worse of all, my monthly friend is taking this time to reintroduce herself into my life (after tubal) so I'm in a bit of pain. Top that with all of my children waking each night and wanting "Mommy" to come soothe them back to dreamland.
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Luckily for me, Logan and Arwen returned to school today and Vincent woke up at 6:30 am. So I went about the morning as usual and after lunch it was time for nap. I carried Vince and Annabel upstairs, got Vincent comfy and set for a loooong nap and then took myself and Annabel to my bed.
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Yes, I am aware of the dangers of co-sleeping BUT I've slept with every child of mine at night for the first month or two. Naptimes are prime co-sleeping times due to the fact I have the entire bed to share with her and I can nurse her in the middle with a pillow along her other side and we can both fall asleep together. This is exactly what I did today.
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I woke up 2 and a half hours later and felt soooo much better. Then I got to look down into my baby girls sleeping face and kiss her softly. I'm positive there is no better sleep in the world.

Reach out and smack someone

Logan's party went very smoothly (aside from the sickness that still lingered). We picked up his spongebob cupcake cake and I had the place decorated. Family arrived, we had cake and ice cream, he got tons of toys.

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It's amazing to witness each and every "birthday" of my children. I am reminded of the day I held them first in my arms and love to pull out pictures each time and reminisce on the experience and all that has happened to bring us where we are today as a family. I truly live for each and every one.

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But as is the norm in my house, nothing goes by without some sort of problem or "hitch". I've become accustomed to this and just prepare myself that something can and will probably happen. It's easier to accept than if you are expecting a wonderful day with no drama.

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My husbands relatives showed up for the party (none of mine did but that's a story for another blog). I didn't mind and sat down with them to talk just prior to cake and ice cream. Problem is...Jim's cousin Jay showed up with is wife Lorie and their two boys, Caleb and JJ.

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I'd been told of Lorie's desire to have a girl while she was pregnant with Caleb (he is about 8 months old now). When she found out she was carrying a boy she was very sad and I felt for her. I understood how it feels to want one sex but I also remembered that no matter what you have the love is no different afterward. After Caleb's birth she had a tubal ligation. Jay is 46 years old and does not want more children, Lorie is 36 and did. Jay has already said once in the presence of family that he didn't want to tell Lorie about Annabel's birth (she was two weeks old before Lorie found out we had a girl, we'd waited to find out sex until the birth) due to the fact "she might want to reverse her tubal".

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So as I sit with Annabel, Lorie points to her and prods Jay. "Look at her!" and Jay completely ignores Lorie and my daughter. Then Lorie asks to hold her, this grabs Jays attention. "Don't hold that baby, you might losen your tubes". Thinking he is joking I almost laugh until he continues "if you wanted another you shouldn't have gotten your tubes tied". My smile vanished and the urge to reach out and slap the hell out of this man overtook me! I was so fracking pissed!!!

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How dare he address his wife and mother of his children in such a cold, hateful way? In front of family no less! Had that been Jimbo I'd have given it right back but Lorie just sat there and said nothing. A part of me feels badly for her yet another part feels that you are only a doormat if you allow yourself to become one. I feel for her and her desire to have a daughter but I also realize that even had she gotten pregnant one more time she may have had a boy again. It's a 50% lottery each time.

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Once Jay and his crew left (immediately after cake and ice cream, they didn't even stay to allow JJ time to play with the children) things returned to normal. We all chatted while the kids destroyed my wonderfully clean house. I was so angry I brought up Jays behavior (he completely ignored Annabel before and I was still angry about that brush off) and was happily surprised to have his mother and sister both agree his behavior was out of line and rude. I told them that next time, I'm calling him out on it. I won't ruin my sons birthday but on a regular day all bets are off.

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After everyone left, I tucked my newly minted 4 year old boy into bed and told him how much I loved him and about the day he was born. I kissed him and hugged him tightly and made a memory I can hold on the days when I need them most.

Surprise!

I'm not sure why this has happened to our happy family yet again but...

Our bundle of joy you want to choke sometimes aka Arwen woke up Wednesday complaining of a sore throat. Now, seeing as how she always complains of some ailment prior to school, my husband brushed her off. She was not running a temp so he told her to start getting ready. As per her norm she doesn't listen to dear old Daddy-O and runs to me instead.

"My throat hurts". So I pry open her mouth and take a look. The tonsils are definately swollen. I take a feel on the outside...yep she's got something.

I inform the hubbie that he can head on to work, that I'll have to get Arwen into the doctor. Upon inspection Doc informs us she has tonsilitis and a nice contagious cold. We get her meds and return home. I tell her she is to remain in her room to keep us from catching the cold she's got. As usual she doesn't listen to me and is busted downstairs on more than one occassion with her brothers. I also find her touching the baby while I'm preparing our dinner.

In the course of 3 days, due to our generous daugther and sister, we all have this funk now. And the worst part? Tomorrow is Logans 4th birthday.

Thanks sweetheart, nothing says I love you like a good cold with chills, fever and body aches.

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**the same thing happened on Christmas eve 3 years ago. Vincent has just been born and Logan got a seriously bad cold, which we all passed around for a week. Fun stuff.

School Money

As you probably gather, I don't know a heck of alot about school and how it works. My daughter is currently initiating me on the ups and downs. At first I was excited. I would get to do homework with my daughter and plan out her snacks and meals daily (and help out when I have the opportunity at school). The one thing my silly little brain didn't take into account was money and just how much the school would be asking for...

First I should mention, the institution our daughter attends is a private one that we pay for and it isn't cheap.

Ok first I have to buy things that coincide with being in a private school: uniforms. We forked out over $300 smackers for this, then we had to buy the school supplies, lunch box and sleeping mat, so that was another $100 or so, we'd figured on that too.

We get a letter in the mail asking for $25 to "buy supplies to help the class". Of course I'm confused since I just bought the school supplies in the first place, what supplies exactly do they mean and how will it go toward benefiting Arwen? We passed on this. Then we went to the parent/kindergarten meeting. Here we had to write a check for $9.95 to cover magazine costs for the year. Then we were asked to donate $10 or more to the PTO and then were directed to a board that had "items we'd like to have for the school" which had to be purchased in bulk at pretty high prices. We paid the magazine fee and passed yet again.

Then today I get an email asking for money again and this time people to volunteer for the lunch room (they've asked this numerous times in each email) and also someone to volunteer as head over sports and planning. So I've started to wonder...

Where exactly is the huge amount they are being paid PER student to attend this school going? At first I assumed naturally it would pay the staff and costs for the building, etc. But shouldn't some of those funds go to fund items and staff the school needs? Isn't it somehow wrong to expect people to continue to dig deeper and deeper into their pockets as well as their time after forking over checks monthly?

Perhaps it's due to the fact that this is a Catholic School and most of the families belong to that parish. Many of them are very well off (this is apparent when I see all those new shiny vehicles, chanel sunglasses and coach purses galore) and I suppose digging into their check books isn't an issue. For average Mom of 4 here it is however.

I want to do what's best for my daughter and her school yet I just can't justify paying all that extra money for things the school should provide (at least partially) from the money they receive from tuition. I'm fairly certain sadly that this trend asking for money won't stop in the near future.

I should also add, I would be more than happy to volunteer my time but have been told the school can't use help when you have one or more toddlers in tow. I suppose I should welcome myself to the world of being a school Mom huh?