I'm not crazy, I swear

The Cook's pest control people must thing I'm a crazy woman. First I was busted dancing around and singing practically naked and now I've been observed yelling at the top of my lungs at my well behaved angels.

Here's how it went down. I had meat from Friday in the fridge that had to be stored today. I brought everyone to the middle floor, placed Annabel in her baby seat and got to cleaning and packing. This is a process that usually only takes 20 minutes or so, depending on what I have to freeze. Today it was just pork and chicken...no big deal.

So as I was washing the pork the kids started. First it was running around the circle the middle floor creates. Then it was yelling at each other, then it was tag. I know from past experience this will lead to injury.

"Please stop running!" I yelled out and continued putting the pork chops away.

By the time I'd finished the first bag I'd requested nicely that they stop 4-5 times. I cleaned my hands and intercepted them midrun. I got down on their level and asked again before returning to finish up the pork. When I was done I started on the chicken.

Now, I hate cleaning chicken to freeze. It stinks and I'm terrified of raw chicken contamination. So I don't like to be pulled away with my nasty hands to tend to my little heathens. Of course they went buck wild during this time so I did what any respectful and well meaning Mother does. I yelled and I yelled and yelled some more.

"STOP RUNNING PLEASE! STOP RIGHT NOW!"

Finally I realized the chicken would have to wait. I washed my hands clean and as I was wiping them off I yelled a warning;

"Here I come, you're about to get busted!"

I rounded the corner when I saw him. On the back porch, well within earshot to my yells was the pest control man.

I noticed after the last fiasco a new man was dispatched to take care of all our insect needs. I wonder if this one will request reassignment to.

I just love my children, thanks guys.

Ouch

These gas prices BLOW. It is over $60 to fill the tank of our Camry. YIKES!!!

Fast Food Service

First some quick news! I registered Arwen today at the same school her brother attends!! I'm so very excited as they are in our county but outside our 'zone' so I had to wait until they knew their capacity to enroll her. I can't wait until she gets home to tell her, I know she will be as happy about this as I am!

Now on to the entry at hand.

My sister, Hailey, and I are polar opposites. In high school she was the flirty party girl, I was the book worm. She got pregnant very early (17), I got pregnant late (24). She doesn't plan, I do. She is always out and about, I'm a home body. There are things about us that clash, like the fact I no longer babysit for her because she never shows up when promised. But for all of our differences I love her, she is my sister of course.

She doesn't work and Craig (her fiance) only works from time to time for his parents. Yet they live in an expensive house they just remodeled and because they 'had to' bought a 2005 Lincoln Navigator just two weeks ago (they had to because their 2002 Ford Explorer was having mechanical issues). From my understanding Craig's parents are very well off and give him an 'allowance' of around 1500 dollars a month or more. I'm also under the understanding (ie, heard it thru the grapevine) that his Mom and Dad pay their rent. For the most part they spend their days sleeping in and when they finally get out driving around shopping or shooting the breeze.

Yesterday when they arrived to pick up my niece I had just cooked dinner. They arrived 4 hours late and I found out they'd decided to go out to eat before coming. As I cleared the table Hailey tried a ravioli I made. She told me how much she liked them and I told her it was inexpensive and I'd be more than happy to share her how to make it.

"How much is it?" Craig asked.

"I don't know, maybe 6-7 dollars for that huge serving? It will feed us for a few lunches still."

"Are you listening to this Hailey?" Craig teased. "You need to learn how to save money."

"Oh shut it!" Hailey laughed back and popped him gently on the arm.

"You know," he looked at Jimbo. "Since we didn't have our new stove yet we spent three months solid eating out. It got to the point where Wendy's knew what we wanted to order before we did."

"You're joking?" I looked up in shock. They had to be joking. Didn't they?

"No," Craig and Hailey laughed. "One guy that worked the night shift knew us and would laugh and ask if we wanted our usual."

I shook my head and the conversation drifted off on another topic. It must be nice to live so carefree and happy. But honestly, fast food for 3 months?? I think my body would start to smell and stink after all that fat I'd ingested for that long.

No wonder Zoe has such terrible stomach issues. Yikes.

Shingles

Remember that little welt I'd mentioned I'd found in the hairline at my neck a week ago? Well it's been annoying as all hell to me. Then yesterday I noticed the muscle running from my hairline down to my neck (running downward from this welt) has been incredibly sore. So much so I started to favor it and wouldn't turn my head.

Today when I got up the pain had stretched even further down and my neck alternated between feeling warm and hot to itchy and painful. I immediately called my Mom, then my Mother in Law (who is a nurse). They asked me if I'd been under a lot of stress recently and when I said yes they were both pretty sure...

I have the fucking SHINGLES.

Why? Why can I not get a freaking break man? I'm in agony as I type this because I don't know what's going to happen. Annabel will not take baby foods or juice, she only wants the breast and this will mean I have to take some sort of medications (if it is in fact shingles).

I'm beginning to feel this is a test on my sanity. I've made this statement before and I'm sorry I can't find a better one but I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's bad enough this is physically and emotionally hard for me but Annabel is so allergic to foods that I can't offer her anything more than a bite at a time of stuff (she is terribly allergic to dairy, one bite of potatoes had her blistered up and her face swollen) and I'm absolutely horrified about taking her off the breast.

It's as if god parted the clouds and said, "Jaime, I hate you."

Am I the only one?

It was brown and nasty. Stains covered the inside nooks and crannies. The lid even needed a cleaning. And the worst part? It had been this dirty for days. I decided to do a little experiment. How long would this disgusting, nasty, smelly toilet remained used by my family? And better still, would my husband take the plunge and clean the toxic hazard or wait until I did it? After a week the answer was painfully clear.

He was going to wait for me. (Thanks Babe.)

I know there are some people who say, "I don't do bathrooms" but jeezus.

Better with Age!!

Does anyone remember the 80's group A-ha (They sang the hit "Take on Me" with the picture above being from that video)? Boy I sure do! I remember having the biggest crush on the lead singer, Morte Harket.

Well, I was surfing the web today and I found some videos and pictures of him and HOLY COW, he looks better than he did back then and he's going to be 50! Yes, 50!! Why can't women age this gracefully, jeez.


One things for sure, I'd happily put his poster on my wall again if I were still a teenager!

File this Under

Just file this under what happens when your child takes the recliner/rocker and jumps on the back of the head rest.

FYI, the corner of a recliner can and will pierce dry wall. Just in case you were wondering...

Liar Liar, pants on Fire

I'm not sure which is worse. My daughter who tattles on everything or my niece who lies about it. This has been ongoing since last night. Starting with the breaking of the Unicorn I forked out way too much money for for Arwen's birthday present (I'll blog about that fiasco later).

One funny moment came when Arwen wanted to watch Final Fantasy Advent Children and Zoe threw a fit and began crying. She claimed it "scares her" and she wanted to "go home". This coming from a 7 year old who told me the last time she was here, "I watched that scary movie Wrong Turn (and yes, you read that correctly, she seemed very proud of this in fact). I don't know which is worse? The fact that she is scared of a cartoon but not people being hacked to death by cannibals OR the fact that somehow Zoe watched this.

I have to talk to my Sister. I hope to god she didn't allow her child to watch this. And if she didn't, she needs to be aware someone is.

Some people are SICK!

I saw this on the news, I wanted to vomit. You can read the story HERE but I'll summarize below.

Anne, a 3 year old beagle, was let outside to play. When her family called her she didn't respond and they became worried. Then somehow, Anne made it back home. She was missing 80% of her coat. She had apparently been skinned alive, all the way from the nape of her neck to her tail. She had to be euthanized because her injuries were so severe and there wasn't enough skin to do graphs with.

This makes me so angry and so disgusted. There are some very very sick individuals out there. It is the reason I can't even allow my children to play outside unless I am right there beside them.

Champagne Wishes & Trailer Park Dreams

Today I was thinking about my childhood and then Jolene Sugarbaker, the trailer park Queen.

I lived in a park for many years. Mom and Dad were struggling to make ends meet and forge a career for themselves (which they both have, they recently built their own house, which is totally paid for, GO Mom and Dad!).

I have zero regrets and I remember a happy childhood. But today I was thinking of the funny things about trailer parks and wanted to share just a few that popped into mind.

~~~~~

Dumpster divers aka garbage diggers aka trash hounds. They will dig through your trash but usually are discreet and only do so if you place what might be considered "treasure" to them. Placing any large piece of furniture outside near the trash can and will illicit a visit.

There is always, without fail, a cat woman aka "The Cat Lady". This woman will horde all the stray cats she can get her hands on. These cats live both outside and inside her home. You can always tell when you near such a home because the porch, front yard, or car will be covered in lounging cats.

There is always, without fail, a dog person aka "The Mountain Woman". This person hordes dogs but not to the extent of the Cat Lady. She is generally more burley in stature and sports plaid flannel shirts.

Usually she has 4-8 smaller dogs inside and 4-8 large german shepard mixes outside. Some of the outside dogs will be chained to stakes in the ground, near doghouses. You can tell when you are near her home (if the dogs barking widly doesn't tip you off first) when you see a fenced in trailer but the dogs are chained inside the fence. The chain is for safety as these dogs are usually "biters" and she's been threatened or sued before.

You will always see at least one car on concrete blocks on the road. Most of these cars will sit for months like this. The "wash me please!" written in children's handwriting on the bumper or back windshield attest to this truth.

If you live in a trailer park, at some point, you will be asked for sugar, eggs, bread, ketchup or any other such items. It's called communal living.

There is always a gossip queen. She can tell you who is having affairs, who is on welfare and who is pregnant again. She's kind of hard to pinpoint at first but after she's stabbed you in the back you'll never forget her.

There is always the thieving child. We had several where I grew up. They will steal dolls, cars, bikes, you name it. And the worst part? They deny stealing it, even if your name is clearly marked over with permanent marker.

You will always see some, if not all children, sporting some sort of mullet. And if they don't have a mullet they did have one at some point prior.

They might not have a will or a retirement savings. But you can bet their double-wide, they have a tornado escape/safety route planned.

There is also "true trash". These are the people that really give trailer park living a bad name. They do stupid things like:

Put garbage atop their trailers because they "couldn't afford the trash bill".

Secretly hook their water hose to your faucet outdoors so they can avoid paying the water bill to wash their hooptie ride.

Have a path of junk and trash that forms a path to their doorstep and a sign on the door that reads, "Screw the dog, beware of owner!" with a picture of a very large handgun.

Have added onto their home with plywood or better yet, have made a porch with all the spare wood and plywood they could find, thus upping their trashiness level.

Keep all cars, even if they don't run. These are the people that also love to chain their dogs up to the tires and then say "the dog's fine, it can crawl under that there car."

And lastly, the one cardinal rule for the true trailer park trash lifestyle. . .

You absolutely have to steal your cable. I can't tell you how many times our cable box got checked because someone had tapped into our line.

~~~~~

I'll also add, just for clarification. There are actually clean and decent trailer parks and really really slummy ones. I should drive to a few and take some pictures. Redneckville is a haven of the trailer park lifestyle, both good and bad!

Black Friday Madness

Today I embarked on my first ever Black Friday shopping. I sat my alarm for 4am, got my sleepy behind out of the bed. After a cup-o-coffee I then shot out the door in search of a digital camera on sale at the local Hell-Mart.

When I arrived it didn't look that bad. Sure it had more cars than should be out at 4:45 in the morning but still. I found a spot and began walking in. As soon as I hit the doors I was greeted by a police officer. I smiled at him and started thinking to myself, now this is some serious shopping they got going on here!! But it didn't stop there, oh no. Then I was given a map! A map to help me on my shopping adventure! All right!

.

I passed the carts, then made the pass from the registers and BOOM. People all over the place. Each strategically placed in front of loading docks with items covered over with black plastic. The only way a person could know what was inside was by the white paper that labeled each thing (or by reading those incredibly nifty treasure maps!). I passed those camping out the $10 mixers, crock pots and toasters. Then I passed those at the $5 DVD's and then the $25 food processor. Finally I was at the home stretch, almost at electronics! I rounded the corner...

and OMFG. Oh my good god. There were people everywhere. It took 5 minutes or so of asking which line for the cameras before I got into one. Only, as soon as 5am hit, there were no lines, only absolute chaos. People were pushing each other, acting like wild animals. It was a sight! Apparently several of them were after the $50 portable DVD players and the $199 camcorder.

I watched some of the people grabbed for their friends way back in line, pissing off those directly behind them who were afraid they would run out of goodies. Bickering started back and forth and my line stalled out.

As I stood in awe I looked toward the counter, to where they were keeping the precious cameras and camcorders that had to be paid for there. I strained and my eyes found exactly what I was looking for. My heart dropped.

There were only 6 of the Kodak easy share cameras on the rack. Shit.

I immediately decide to change tactics. I suppose if you can't beat em', join em'. I'd been waiting at that point 30 minutes and the new line was moving faster and off was going all the good stuff. I swapped lines and crossed my fingers.

After another 15 minutes, I made it to the counter and looked at the two Kodaks left and got my camera. It was the most nerve wracking experience in the world. I paid and held it close. But I quickly moved on, I wasn't finished just yet! Time for the other bargains circled in my ad!

I rushed to the toys first, scored the 120 piece blocks set for 10 smackers. Found the extra large care bear for 10 as well. Hurried to the barbies for 5 bucks and got a couple and finally rounded off the kiddo shopping with the large 10 set packs of Hot Wheels for $5.

Then I hurried to the sheets. This would be the thing we needed but don't absolutely have to have. Luxurious 400 count cotton sheets. I got there and asked if they had any of my size and they said they were long gone. But I had a hunch and started to dig, I found the very last two in the entire display. Score.

Then on the way out the door, I found a CD for my kiddos, full of all the good Christmas classics. The Chipmunk Song, All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth, I ain't getting Nuthin' for Christmas, and Frosty the Snowman are just a few of the gems included on the tracks.

So all in all, not so bad. But I'll tell you, I kept waiting for someone to break out into a fight. You could sense the tension in the air. I guess they call it black Friday for a reason.

What is wrong with people??

I'll try to keep this PG-13 but it's going to be hard. So please, if foul language is a turn off, don't read on. If you don't mind, please continue. I'm sure that more than one of you will sympathize with what I'm about to blog.

When did people become so damned entitled? When did they become so much more important that others around them? I'm so sick of trying so hard to be respectful (as I was raised to be) only to be surrounded by others who are so rude and arrogant.

Just the other night, Halloween to be exact, we had the kids out. Arwen needed to use the restroom so she and I hurried back to her Meme's. As we arrive there are children at the stairs. I make Arwen wait instead of pushing through the children and SMACK! One of the kids, a little boy that is maybe 2 or 3 years old, slaps the piss out of my daughter.

Arwen grabs her arm and immediately looks to me. I glare at the child and one of the adults grabs him by the arm.

"Say you sorry!" the woman yells.

The boy stands there glaring. He shakes his head. She wraps her arms around him and stands over him.

"I said say you sorry or you gonna get a whoopin'! Say it right now and you won't be in too much trouble."

The boy stands and refuses to apologize to my daughter. The woman looks at me as I glare and offers a half-assed apology. "I's sorry." and walks away with her demon spawn. She never spanked him. The other woman with her and the two other children ask, "what did he do??" and I hear the woman mumble, "he hit that girl standin' there."

As I walked into the house I praised Arwen for being so respectful and told her how wrong that boy and his Mom are. She was confused and asked why he was allowed to do that and I told her because his Mother wasn't raising him properly.

Then this past Friday. We go to the movies after dinner on our anniversary. The movie is 30 days of Night and it's supposed to be dark. Someone should tell that to the couple who texted on their blackberry the entire time. They kept that phone on and open almost the entire movie. Totally disrespectful to those around them.

I wanted to go up and say something and each time I went to do so Jimbo would give me his puppy eyes, begging me not to. He knows how I am and he wanted to enjoy our night. I kept my seat but it was hard.

So what the hell is wrong with people? When did parents stop teaching the simple things? Like manners for instance? When did people start functioning under the assumption that it is their world and everyone else is just living in it?

This makes me wonder about parents today. That woman allowed her child to hit my daughter. Arwen did nothing to that boy. He just walked up and hit the shit out of her. I even heard one of them say as they walked away, laughing too I might add, "I guess he thought it was Karla."

If I weren't in the presence of my daughter I'd have slapped the shit out of those women. I'm trying to raise the future generation here but it's hard to do that well when you are surrounded by assholes. I'm just glad it wasn't Logan with me. If that boy had struck him I wouldn't have been able to contain myself and I'm certain a fight would have broken out. I'd like nothing better than to show those women how it feels to be beaten up on and see how they like it.

Take a number and get in line. I plan on taking my time.

People today, I just don't get it. And what's worse? I hope I'm doing right as a Mom to my children. I want them to be respectful of others but I don't want them being walked on by these rude children they are growing up with.

Maybe it's the rednecks and trash here. I have to admit we are surrounded by those living in poverty, in the projects and cheap mobile homes. Funny thing though. They can't afford rent but they can afford to drive a new car, while carrying around designer imposter purses and blackberry phones, with their nails and hair did.

I guess if I had the government supporting me I could "live large" too. I guess that little thing called "self respect" is holding me back.

Dear Cook's Pest Control Man

Dear Cooks Pest Control Man,

I'd like to take a moment to apologize. I didn't realize my husband called you out to spray our back porch deck. Had I known this, I would never have been caught in the position of dancing around without my shirt, to the wiggles 'Big Red Car', with my children.

I'm sure the sight of a still slightly "poochy" baby belly, nursing bra and stark white skin have possibly caused irreperable damage. I tried to jump into the adjacent dining room as quickly as possible but by the shock in your eyes I'm fairly certain the damage has already been done.

I promise in the future I will never "take a chance" and dress in the living room again. Having two glass doors should have been reason enough but the embarrassment and shame will do a much better job of reminding me in the future.

Sincerely,

A Mortified Mommy

.

P.S. Thank you for placing our billing statement on the door in the plastic baggie. You were correct in assuming we'd seen enough of each other for one month, I appreciate your thoughtfulness.